Not Great
by AlphaMiddle21
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE/NonCon Kara attends a NYE party at an old friends house. It is great until it isn't. This is a story of trauma and recovery as Kara battles to get through one of the hardest things anyone could possibly go through. Maggie, Alex, Lucy, and everyone are there for her as she fights it. I hope this story can inspire some hope, some comfort.
1. Chapter 1

**AN**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: rape/non-consensual**

 **PLEASE FRIENDS IF YOU THINK THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU DON'T READ.**

 **That being said... I wrote this to help people. This kind of thing affects a lot more people than you would think. This is just one of many scenarios that happens. This is a story of tragedy, trauma, and recovery. It is my hope that in writing this people can find healing and some comfort that they might not have received, that they would know they are not alone. It is also my hope that this can be a look into what might go through someone's head while this happens so that friends and those close to them have a better idea of what to do to help love them.**

 **I had originally posted this on Ao3 and took it down b/c I didn't think I was going to keep writing and some other more personal reasons. However I changed my mind after a couple of people reached out. Sorry for any confusion. I didn't steal this from anyone, it was then mine and now. No worries there.**

 **That is all.**

 **As always. Please let me know what you think. Reviews/comments literally make writing worth it and this is one of those stories that kind of relies on your guyses feedback. I have taken great care to write this and have tried very hard to capture this in the best way possible.**

 **I hope this story does everything I hoped it would. All the best guys - T**

* * *

"Drive safe."

"Yes mom" Kara yells to Alex as she heads out the door of her apartment. Alex was over checking in on her after they had gotten back from the DEO and had spent the last two hours trying to talk her little sister out of canceling the plans she had made in early December.

Erin, one of her good friends from college invited her to spend New Years Eve with her, her fiance, and a few of their friends. Kara wasn't going at first but Alex and Maggie encouraged her to stay in touch with the friend she spoke fondly of whenever college stories came up and talked her into it.

She was still dealing with a solar flare from earlier that morning, which is why Alex had followed her back to her apartment from the DEO. Kara had the message typed on her phone to send to Erin but Alex had snatched it away before she could press send. Alex was always nervous when her klutz of a younger sister was with out her powers but she knew how excited Kara had been to see her old friend.

She always had to push Kara to stick with her plans for social interactions. Kara would be all excited then in the hours prior to the engagement she would talk her self out of it and cancel opting instead to stay in and hang out on the couch in sweats with some coffee, pizza and either a good book (good being a relative term if you asked Alex) or a movie she had probably seen at least 50 times. Alex pushed her this time too, claiming that still having the effects of the solarflare only meant that Kara could let loose a little bit and be normal. God only knew how much her sister needed that right now with how crazy her life had gotten since becoming supergirl.

Kara got to Erin's apartment a little early, at about 6 when the "party" didn't start until 8. It had been almost two years since they saw each other, she really missed Logan and her goofy sense of humor. She had always helped Kara with her papers and figuring out her writing style as she was studying linguistics and was now two years in to an accelerated Phd program before she starts law school. Erin had recently gotten engaged to a guy from the program, Kara hadn't met him yet, but she could tell he was good for Erin by the way she seemed to be _so_ much happier then she was when they were at NCU.

After talking to Erin Kara had bought a 24 pack of beer for Jake from a brewery in National City. He loved the stuff and after moving a few hours away he didn't get it often. " _He will love you forever!"_ Erin had exclaimed the last time her and Kara had talked on the phone. When she walked in the door she put the case of beer down on the floor and was immediately nearly tackled back out the door in a flying hug from her friend. "I'm so glad you could make it!"

Kara helps Erin get the pulled pork and wide assortment of chip-dip ready for when, Nick-one of Jake's friends, and Jason, Kaitlin, and Andrew came over. Kara hadn't met any of those people before but she was still excited. The girls eventually got changed, Erin helping her with her makeup and picking her out an outfit from the 4 different possibilities she had brought with her. Just like she had during their time in college that seemed so long ago. She settled on dark wash skinny jeans and white v-neck t-shirt and a Ralph Lauren zip up a white and navy checkered jacket thing. Erin had always loved that outfit on Kara, told her she acted more confident and fun in it then when she tried to be overly "hot" and that it was better for her. Besides, Kara pulled off the preppy look _really_ well. The guys always seemed to like it when Kara would tag along to house parties as the DD, which wasn't too often as Kara never really felt comfortable there. Gamenights were much more her style.

Kara, of course, was the first one done getting ready. Erin and Jake's sister- Andrea?- were still getting ready. Plopping down on the couch James had handed her one of the beers she had brought over for him. "I'm glad you could make it. E has been talking about this for weeks. It's good to finally meet you." They clink their glasses in a toast as Kara offers him a small smile. She could see why he made her friend so happy.

A few drinks in, and still waiting on the other two girls to be ready, Jake's friend - Nick - arrives and Kara can't help but notice how cute he is. Erin had warned her that Nick was getting over a bad break up and was kind of a man-child when it came to dealing with emotions, but he was sooo cute. Kara would be lying if she said hadn't mentally called dibs on him for a kiss at midnight. She'd never had one of those and the idea seemed really nice.

She was a hopeless romantic after all. Not to mention pretty lonely. It'd been two years since she had broken up with the tool of a boyfriend she had on and off through college. There weren't really any prospects on the table though Kara longed for someone to "do life with" like Alex and Maggie did or like J'ohn and M'gan.

Kara knew she wasn't in a place where she could be the kind of girlfriend that who ever it was would deserve. Her life was too crazy with CatCo and the whole Supergirl thing and she just knew she was too focused on other things right now. However, that didn't mean the selfish part of her didn't want to have someone to start making memories with.

After the arrival of the other three friends the evening gets going. It's nice and low key, much to Kara's approval. They sit, talk, eat, play beer pong-more like water pong, drunk jenga, and sip on their drinks. Nick was her partner most of the night, they shared slight touches on the shoulders, back, and arm as they talk but that's about it. Kara can't read him well, she never was good at reading boys though. This goes on for a couple of hours and the more they drink and the more games of beer pong that go on the more attractive she finds him. Sometime around 11:30 she sneaks a photo of the smiling young man and sends it to Lucy.

"Should I send it?" she asks Lucy's favorite question as of late. Her friend really has been enjoying her singleness after James. Kara's really not sure why she even asks. It's not like her at all. She doesn't even want too but she feels relaxed in a way she hasn't in a long time with the help of alcohol. She doesn't mean 'send it' in the way Lucy usually does, more so just with the kissing. The other stuff… she's not ready for that. And Nick is just so _cute and nice. And that smile… God that smile. It is absolutely contagious._

Kara typically told Lucy to go for it. Lucy was really into _that_ and it was kind of impressive. She just did what made her happy or what she wanted and didn't give a damn what other people thought. Kara admired that about her friend, quite a lot actually. It wasn't for her though.

The problems with Kara's on again-off again boyfriend in college had started when Kara had refused to do certain _things_. But despite their problems he was just kind of nice to talk to, nice to have around - most of the time. She didn't love him though and she certainly wasn't as into the relationship as he was.

Her boundaries were for a lot of reasons though. She could hurt him, for one. But she also wanted to wait for that special someone, as cheesy as it sounded, and be completely theirs. She wanted to do that for them. Give that to them. It was not a part of the Kryptonian tradition to wait until a union or even for the 'special someone' like it was on earth. Some people did and some did not. Kara had always been a little bit intimidated and skittish at intimacy, at vulnerability, and "moving" to earth hadn't helped that at all. As much as she wanted him to be she knew Landon was just not that person. They hadn't even kissed in all their dates, and she found herself being thankful that they were a long distance couple. Kara had always managed to sike herself out or maneuver away for a kiss on the cheek.

Lucy snapchats her a photo back of her on her couch with her dog, Oli, whom Kara related too much more than she did with most people. Kara always felt a little bit out of place. She enjoyed some social interaction, people seemed to like her, and she liked interacting with people most of the time but she also always felt a disconnect. It was draining, unless it was Alex, Maggie, Whinn, James, or Lucy, and sometimes even then too. An extroverted-introvert Alex had called her. "YAAAGAAA, SENDDD IT SISTER!"

They snap-chatted on and off after that. A couple hours after midnight and more games and chatting Erin and Jake had gone to bed and Travis and Amanda, their roommate and Jake's sister who were apparently also dating, had long retired. The others had gone out downtown about 30 minutes after the start of the New Year, no one really missed them if they were being honest.

In the now very quiet apartment her and Nick were left to decide who got the couch and who got the floor. Travis had given them pointed looks and told them repeatedly "no sex on my couch" when he gave them about 7 blankets to keep warm with (they kept the heat pretty much off in the apartment still being "broke as fuck" after college). Kara had smiled sheepishly in her drunken state up at the man saying thank you for the blankets. Little did he know, Kara was a virgin and couldn't even say the word aloud let alone participate in anything past kissing. She knew there was no reason to get so embarrassed and flustered about _stuff_ but that didn't change how uncomfortable and squirmy and just a little embarrassed it made her. Alex teased her but would then usually give her a quick side hug and tell her never to change.

Nick had laughed wholeheartedly, with that _smile_ that reached his eyes and was just so cute, at Travis sensing Kara's embarrassment. After the man left muttering something along the lines of "whatever man" they stood awkwardly in the living room littered with empty liquor bottles, beer bottles, and champagne flutes. The light was dim, coming only through the window from the lights outside and the glow of the led lights on the beer pong table.

"So…" He draws out as he rocks back and forth on his heels, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He wasn't like this all night but Kara supposes that he was picking up on her nervousness and uncertainty. She tended to get like that around guys when she was alone with them. She wasn't scared or anything like that she just generally didn't know what to do.

"Want to share the couch? The floor would be so uncomfortable and cold." She offered with a blush blooming high on her cheeks as she played with the zipper of her jacket. She really wasn't tired though but you could only play so many one-on-one games of beer pong or jenga. She wouldn't mind cuddling, it was one of her favorite things to do with her close friends and Nick seemed like he could be a good cuddle buddy. He smelled so nice and his shirt was really soft and with a smile like that.. How could he not be?

He smiles at her turning from unsure to confident in a blink. "Yeah, ok. Lets get changed first." He suggests while digging through his bag to find what he brought over to sleep in.

"Good idea." She agreed with a nod and grabbed her bag of clothes excusing herself to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet the bathroom spins a little bit around her and Kara is reminded of how _not_ sober she is at the moment. Maggie and Alex would tease her about being a lightweight - which is funny because usually alcohol doesn't affect her at all but also warranted in the most innocent way. Kara was a cuddly, sleepy, drunk. That or she liked to "play" and go on adventures, like stealing the nerf guns from the boys down the hall to shoot people returning to their dorm for the night from behind the couch in their building's lobby. She also tended to ramble, completely losing any sort of mental filter as she got closer and closer to sleep.

After looking at herself in the mirror for what felt like an hour as she let warm water run over her hands Kara pulled her hair, down and straight, back into a messy bun. She slid into comfortable sweatpants needing to brace herself against the vanity to keep from tilting over. She then slid into a soft old t-shirt of Alex's from high school. A very not sexy outfit, perfect for cuddling the cute boy on the couch and _maybe_ kissing - just a little. _His lips look so soft._

Kara returned to find Nick laying shirtless on the couch in basketball shorts holding up the blanket inviting her to lay on top of him. Kara feels herself blushing but she snuggles into his chest quickly to hide her reddening cheeks. She really hated that they became so flush so easily. She unintentionally brushes her lips into his warm skin whispering into his neck. "Is this ok?"

"Yeah, this is nice." He wraps his arm around her back and starts to drag his fingertips over her spine through the worn cotton of her t-shirt as he replies.

She smiles and relaxes into his hold. _Yeah, this is nice._ He had been so sweet all night. Funny. Easy to talk too. Joke around with. She had been a little disappointed when the ball dropped that he hadn't kissed her but it wasn't that big of a deal. They were mid conversation with one of Jake's friends, it would have been weird.

Out of nowhere Kara caught herself starting to slide her own hand up and down his ribs and out of her drunken state kissed his pulse point with chaste lips. "Happy new year, Nick." Neither of them dozed off though. They kept with the soft caresses as they laid there, reveling in the feeling and comfort of one another. The warmth, the softness.

Nick turns his head to look down at Kara who had closed her eyes. He smiled to himself at the sight and let out a content sigh making Kara look up at him. Those bright blue eyes peeking up at him through thick eyelashes. He twisted his head a little bit more and shifted just slightly to kiss Kara on the lips. "Good night, Kara."

She kisses him back letting her lips meet his tentatively. _Rao, his lips are soft_. As they kiss she grows slightly more confident. Taking his bottom lip in hers, she had read that was something people enjoy, she pulled away and tucked her nose back into the crook of his neck.

She was too focused on the goodnight kiss to really notice Nick's hands sliding lower and lower on her back. Noticing it now that she wasn't thinking about how much she liked that good night kiss, her mind dashes to one family vacation where she had gone out with Alex at night and ended up making out with a boy on a beach. She jolted away from that boy when his hands worked down to her butt, but she didn't feel afraid like that right now. She was curious, and his hands felt _so_ good in her weakened state and not overwhelming with her nerves slightly dimmed, still heavy with the effects of all the alcohol she had consumed.

She laid her head back on his chest giving a content sigh. "Good night." It wasn't five minutes later when she kissed his neck again. Why she did that she really didn't know. She thought it was a little weird but she was afraid to scoot up enough and separate their bodies enough to kiss him. This felt safer and she felt a little too lazy to move as well, her bones heavy with drunkenness.

He squeezed her butt over her sweats and she felt her hips press down into his. Well, she certainly hadn't meant to do _that_ but it felt ok, like that's what she was supposed to do in this situation. At some point his hand slid beneath her shirt as he continued to roam his hand over her back. He had slipped his arm below her waistband of her sweats before she could protest and gave her butt another squeeze with his calloused parm warm on her skin. She let out a breathy sigh deciding to focus on his hands massaging a surprisingly sore muscle rather than the apprehension twisting in her stomach.

"Kiss me." She breathes as he takes another long grab at her rear, surprised with herself and hiding her face in his neck a little embarrassed. She wanted him to kiss her because she was scared of where this touching would lead and she at least wanted a kiss if this happened. She liked what was happening at this moment. The kissing. The strokes up her back. The firm hand squeezing with just the right amount of pressure on her muscle. But she was absolutely terrified of where this was probably going to lead and she couldn't just stop it…she felt too guilty... and she really didn't know how. He would be mad wouldn't he? Hadn't she started it by kissing his neck like that?

She hoped kissing him again would distract her, turn her mind off for a second.

She was 24, and it was probably time she stopped holding onto her virginity for the man she would come to love and hopefully marry. _Grow up, Kara._ _Mates don't exist on this planet. Give it up._

She felt so conflicted by that. She wanted so badly to be able to give that to someone special. She wished to Rao that she was still on Krypton so she could find her mate, but she had to move on. That ship had sailed… or rather sunk… or blown up. _Okaaaay, Kara, so not the place for that head-space right now._

She also knew how messy sex had been emotionally for her friends and she wanted to avoid that situation all together. It was intimate and it was beautiful and she knew he would deserve that. She knew the right guy would take care of her and calm her fears and still love her regardless. But she also felt like it was a little bit contrary to all of her other "power to the girls" beliefs and practices but hey, it's how she felt. She thought Lucy was awesome for being comfortable with herself enough to _enjoy herself_ like she did. Kara just knew that something like that wasn't for her.

He muttered "ok" in response to her request and easily maneuvered her to switch how they are lying to press a much more passionate kiss than she had ever experienced to her mouth. She couldn't help but wonder how he got her where he wanted her so quickly. She didn't know how he did that but he just guided her back against the couch like she was a puppet or something.

His lips were wet on hers but not in a bad way. She'd had much worse. Kara had never really liked kissing…not even a little bit actually. She wanted to though, she really really did.

Her first kiss was in 7th grade. One of Alex's friends, a sophomore, had cornered her at a beach house an it was sloppy and tasted like beef jerky and made her skin crawl when he tried for more. Thank Rao Alex's friend Peter had come by and pulled his buddy away.

Her second kiss was an awkward and totally unwanted - again - peck at the water fountain after a football game her sophomore year. This time she pulled away and gently told John that she didn't feel that way about him. She felt bad really, he was sweet. When John had tried for a second one Kara had literally face palmed him, gave him a hug and scurried away. Alex had seen that one and didn't stop laughing for two whole weeks, imitating something called the _heisman_ almost every time she saw Kara until Eliza made her stop.

Her third was sloppy and drunk - on the beach with that boy the last night of vacation for her senior year spring break. Really gross actually. She had gone for it - dove as Cat would say - but it was just not good. Alex liked to tease her about that one too. Poor kid had probably broken his nose...

Her fourth was sweet but a little weird… it was Win after all. She wanted to be into it. She loved Win but not like that. At least she didn't break _his_ nose...

Her fifth kiss was… well it was this, so to say she was a little inexperienced would be an absurd understatement. She liked this though. His mouth was hot, his lips smooth from what she could feel on her tingling lips. It tasted a little like honey from the bourbon he had been drinking but her tongue was a little numb to really be sure. She let him take the lead as they rolled a little to the side. She didn't know what to do with her hands. She never did.

Alex told her that she thought too much when she asked what to do about kissing Landon so Kara just let her hands move up and down Nick's ribs. She soon brought it to rest on his bare pec before eventually letting it travel up to run through his short hair.

She always liked the high and tight… _oh yeah_ … Nick was in the army too, like Lucy and Landon. She found something about that attractive. Not that she was attracted to Lucy… but Kara had a "hero" streak in her obviously and Landon and Nick understood that a little bit at least.

Her attention is called back to the kiss as he grabs at her butt again under her underwear. Her stomach flutters with nervousness. She wants to stop. To go no further than this. She knows she should. She's more intoxicated than she should be and she just met this guy, Nick. Her mind is screaming at her to figure a way out of this but she lets it continue. Partially because she has no idea what an "out" would even be and partially because the relaxed, intoxicated side of her unsure as to what someone else's hands feel like besides her own. Curious if she could actually orgasm. She stopped before she did when she had tried it out herself, more often than she was really ok with admitting, feeling too overwhelmed and a little bit ashamed.

His hands slid up into her shirt giving her breast a rough squeeze under her bra. It's so opposite of everything up to this point. It was hard and startling when everything else was smoothe and grounding. When she arches into the touch, mostly out of surprise and partially to lessing the pulling sensation, he takes that as permission and un-clips her bra before she really knows what's going on. He squeezes her again and she's more than a little disappointed and concerned - it doesn't feel good. Like at all.

It actually hurts as he squeezes too hard or not in the right way or if she is too dry as it feels prickly and almost painful. _Can your boobs even be too dry? That makes no sense._ She doesn't say anything though. _Maybe it'll get better?_ Maybe it's just her. Maybe he will stop. He does after one, two, three more squeezes and trails his hand down her stomach to the top of her waistband. She stills, going completely rigid (rather than just tense) his arms from where she had been letting her own hand roam looking for somewhere to stop. She just kept it in his hair though because that seemed safe enough.

Kara squeezes her eyes shut and triest to talk herself into relaxing. _This is normal, Kara, You are 24. Let it happen - no Kara it's not worth it. Wait like you really want to. - no Kara, this is pathetic. Quit being such a little baby. - Kara just tell him to stop you don't want this._

Her mind is halted as his fingers dig into her _down there_. They press into her entrance and slam as deeply as he could drive them. She doesn't know how many he had used but it had certainly hurt. She lets out a surprised but also pained squeak. She hoped it wasn't mistaken for a cry of pleasure, that he would ease up. _Tell him. Just tell him it hurts. Tell him to stop._ He must get bored or maybe she wasn't ready enough, she really didn't know. She just knew that that pain at least stopped.

He moves to rub that bundle of nerves now, at least that's what she thinks is happening. That is what she read is supposed to happen. But it felt wrong too. It didn't feel like when she tried on her own. That at least felt pleasurable. This... this was not that.

Every little movement of his fingers against the nerves was just enough of a glimpse of that pleasure she thought it was supposed to feel like it gave her some hope that maybe, this might be ok. It wasn't enough though and she spread her legs letting one loop around his hip to give him more room because then maybe it'd feel less like he was punching her and pulling at her skin too roughly and more like he was trying to make her feel good.

But it hurt, just like it hurt when he had tried to grab her breast. It was way too hard and way too fast and she needed it to stop. _Why can't you just say "stop." It's easy! Just say it! STOP!_ Instead she gets a novel idea and decides to try to distract him. She put her hand on the hem of his shorts and whispered into his ear. "Is this ok?" She asks softly fighting everything in her telling her not to do this.

 _You can say that and can't tell him to stop? Kara, just do it. You can do it. He's a nice guy. He will listen. Tell him if he has to do this to be gentle. Tell him to make love to you not… Tell him you're not ready. Not for any of it. Tell him not tonight._ But she can't. She isn't thinking clearly and all the wrong words come out of her mouth. "I've never done this before. Is this ok?"

"More than ok." He told her so, ready or not - mores so not - she slipped her hand into his boxers. The skin was hot, hotter than she expected, and very smooth, soft to the touch. She took him into her hand wrapping around it and experimentally stroking it like the motions she always saw guys joking about. He let out a breathy moan into her mouth as he leaned up to press their mouths together trying to be quiet, mindful of the others in the apartment.

She kept asking him if it was ok. Checking in for some reason. She could tell he was ok. He chuckled every-time she asked and kissed her forehead or cupped her cheek and would kiss her deeper. She felt like she had to though. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want him to be feeling like she was. She certainly wasn't ok. Though she's not sure if he did ask if she was ok if she would have told him the truth. So she checked in. She really didn't mean too, the words just kind of fell out of her lips like she didn't know what else to say. Mostly she didn't... besides one other 4-letter word. _Stop._

The DEO, Rao love them, was a government agency vaguely under the department of defence but also not really, and thus had to do lots of sexual harassment/assault/abuse training. Kara knew all about asking for consent. It helped her get past her apprehension to reach into the man's boxers to get his hands out of her pants after all. She just wished he'd be more gentle or maybe that he would have asked first. _Yeah, probably should have asked._

A few strokes in and she not only had distracted him enough for him to stop touching her and to make her feel like she wasn't somehow breaking in his hands. Though his hands had taken up a new part of her body... he had pushed on her head and guided her down to his crotch. Again moving her like a puppet, just like he wanted to. She really didn't know how he was doing that. It was confusing and she really couldn't wrap her still very fuzzy mind around it.

"Please" he said as he shoved her head into his crotch his… his um… his _yeah_ free and against the side of her cheek. Kara didn't know when his pants had come down either but she was thankful it was dark enough she couldn't see _it._ She complied and took him into her mouth. Still using her hand because she really didn't know what she was doing but that felt like a way to control how deep he went into her mouth. She really didn't want to gag. _No, nonono._

He didn't taste like anything really but he was hairless and smoother than she had expected. It wasn't as bad as she had always felt it would be. She remembered that first kiss and how that boy mentioned it and she wanted to throw up at just the thought. This wasn't as bad as thinking about that. He seemed to be enjoying it as he gripped the hair just below her messy bun, so she stayed sucking and rubbing and felt her face flush when she could her the slurping noises she was making. _I can't believe you are doing this.- It's not so bad. Still a little gross though. At least he is liking it.- At least he stopped._ His hips started to jump a little with each motion down his shaft she made so she thought she must be doing ok. But the more frantic his movements the more she became nervous.

 _Is he going to cum in my mouth?_ She wasn't ready for that. It grossed her out. But not as much as the idea of him losing it on her face or any where else to make a mess. The more she thought about it as the continued to suck tasting a new fluid over his head the more she thought swallowing was the lesser of two evils. She must have slowed down as she got caught in her thoughts because he grabbed her cheek so she could look up at him despite her mouth being full. "How does his end?"

"Huh" she asks with him still in her mouth, sucking because that's what she thought he wanted. _Stupid Kara you were just freaking out about how it ended. Just tell him you don't want…_ "um…" she couldn't bring herself to say it. She just shook her head finding his eyes trying to say an apology with a look and knowing she failed. He must understand what she didn't even know she was trying to say herself because he stands up, leaving her kneeling on the floor next to the couch.

"I'm going to go take care of this. I'll be right back."

"I'm sorry." She drops her head and feels so deeply embarrassed. Both at what she'd just done and that she was too immature to continue or to even see it through. But also thankful he was taking care of it in the bathroom.

"Don't be." He said but she felt like he didn't really mean it. She puts her bra in her backpack from where it had landed on the floor so she doesn't forget it in the morning - more so that Erin or someone else doesn't find it then anything - and he returns quietly laying back down. Kara climbed back on top of him fairly quickly.

"Was that ok?" she asks concerned one hand tucking under his warm body the other resting up near where her head rested on his chest. Glad whatever that was… was over now, but also a little disappointed that it didn't feel good… that she couldn't just be a normal 20-something year old and enjoy it.

During their little round of messing around she must have told him out loud that she'd never done this before what felt like 50 times. He seemed to be getting annoyed. She doesn't know what she said but he responded "don't worry, that's not happening tonight" or something along those lines multiple times. She really couldn't recall what that had been in response too but she remembers hearing it many many times.

He must have meant sex. Penetration. Full on intercourse. He must've. But Kara doesn't know why he felt the need to say that, even the first time. She remembered feeling relaxed at his reassurance. She didn't want that to happen tonight. Not even a little bit. The only thing she was even a little bit ok with was some _friction_ on that part she found her own hands drift too some nights before she fell asleep.

Then again maybe she had asked him not to go as far as he was. Maybe she had said it out loud. Even though she doesn't remember doing that, not even once, it made sense if he kept telling her "it's not happening tonight." But then he kept going a step further and further and it still hurt and she still didn't want what was happening.

"Yeah, it was good." He mumbles into the eerily quiet apartment, not even their old refrigerator was humming. His arm wraps back around her getting back to where she was so comfortable what couldn't have been more than 15 minutes ago but also felt like about a lifetime.

Because now she was one of those girls… one of those girls who had put _that_ in her mouth… who had given a man a blow job.

Not that it mattered. At all really. She never cared what other women had done, that was their business. It never made her think less of them. She respected it actually… but _she… she_ felt incredibly dirty and a little ashamed. And _gross_ she had put that in her mouth… but it also didn't feel all that gross at the same time… but it certainly wasn't something she was ready for. _God I'm too drunk to try to figure this out right now._

"Ok." Kara was shaking now and she couldn't stop. She felt wrong but she still wanted to cuddle. She really wanted some comfort. She couldn't just fly right now - stupid solarflare - and go curl up with Alex. But she didn't want to interrupt her and Maggie probably doing similar things - _EW_. But she also had the mind to know that what her sister and her fiance had wasn't similar to her current situation at all. Besides, she couldn't drink and fly anyway. _You can't even fly, dummy. Solarflare. Remember._

She also just wanted to fall asleep. His body heat felt so good below her. Warm and calming and her head tucked just right into his shoulder and his heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest… She had been so lonely recently and this was something she had literally dreamed about. Well not _this_ but cuddling someone like this. Fitting in someone's arms like this. She slept with pillows at her back to mimic it some nights she felt especially restless. She just wanted to be held. God she loved to be held.

"Are you cold?" He wrapped his arms around her tighter rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm a chill that didn't exist.

It was then she realized she was shaking, quivering, and incredibly tense against him. "No." Now that she has become aware of it the spasms in her muscles worsen as she shakes against his warm body, his arms wrapping around her to try to 'warm her up'.

"You're shaking." _Well, yeah, I see that now…_ She was still feeling a bit weird from the alcohol though… maybe that was it.

"Sorry." He only held her close to his chest and pulled another blanket over top of them in attempt to comfort something Kara knew he couldn't. That wasn't his fault.

"It's ok." She remembers rambling for a little bit after that, mumbling into his chest - about what though she didn't remember really at all. He had shushed her though and rubbed her back soothing her to sleep though she was still shaking. Kara wakes up feeling more comfortable then she thought she would, a lot more comfortable, content even. She couldn't wait to do this with her husband some day if she ever even got to have one - the cape made that a little difficult and then there was the whole alien, kryptonian, lack of a mate thing.. She looks up from where her head rests on her chest to see him looking down at her still stroking her back. "Hey, go back to sleep."

"Are you comfortable?" She mumbles again wiggling ever closer to his warmth.

"Yes," he laughs lightheartedly at the sleepy question "I'm fine, I just don't sleep much." he admits. Nick mumbles on about his coming deployment and how he wants to make a difference. Help people even if that meant giving up himself. Kara could appreciate that. She doesn't remember her words but she remembers wishing she could tell him that she understood that probably even more than he did and that it was ok.

She doesn't remember how it started again but they - mostly him - pretty much only him - were back to roaming hands. Fairly soon he reached into her pants again below her underwear and started rubbing through the sensitive skin. Kara only now had half the mind to wish she would have shaved that morning, maybe then it'd have been better. It was slightly softer this time but still didn't feel much better. That only stayed that way for a few fleeting seconds before his fingers stung as they entered her. _No way is he only using one finger_.

She puts her legs wider for him in hope that it would ease the discomfort. It isn't long before he somehow maneuvers her so she is on her back now. Her hips open to him as his hand is buried between her legs rubbing and entering her roughly for what felt like less than 45 seconds. Time felt all weird and jumbled - like this was lasting forever and would never end, and then before she knew it he had moved on to the next thing.

Kara is still in her sweats but is no longer in her underwear... she doesn't really remember how he had managed to get rid of those without taking her pants off. Slowly she started to be a little bit ok with his rough hands. It hurt but if she closed her eyes and tried to focus on the small jolts of something that vaguely resembled pleasure that would happen occasionally it wasn't so bad.

She decided though that she didn't really want those pleasures from his hand. She wanted to stop this. To wait. She wasn't ready. Not even a little.

He was still squeezing her breast with painful force too. That didn't last long either though and suddenly his hand has worked its way up and was squeezing her neck now. Her eyes flashed open and she wheezed as his hand closed tight around her throat. When she wheezed he looked up at her hungrily and took it for a noise of pleasure. "You like that?" His voice dropped and she went wide eyed as it possessed a quality she couldn't name but made her need to never stop taking a shower _ever,_ but also not take her clothes off again either.

"No. No! I can't breathe." She gasps out. _You're scaring me. Stop. No this feels_ _ **wrong**_ _._ She wanted to say. But she didn't.

He just moved his hand back to her breast and acts like nothing happened. That still didn't feel great but at least she could breathe. Kara was getting a more apprehensive again trying to be as still as possible so it wasn't so painful. She could feel herself shaking. He mentioned it again, telling her to stop. _Like I have any control over that. Something's wrong._ She thought deep in her mind but the louder thoughts slipped past her lips - "I'm trying. I'm sorry."

He doesn't respond at all. Maybe that's a good thing. She doesn't know why she hasn't stopped him yet. She really wasn't curious at all anymore and this felt awful… but not as awful as she felt for leading him to think this was what she wanted and not saying anything to stop it. She must have done something to make him think she wanted this… _right_? It really hurt, she knew first times were usually painful but these were his fingers… these were just his hands on her in what was supposed to be the good part… at least she thought it was.

Somehow Kara finds herself on her side with him at her back, maneuvered again with such a swiftness she really doesn't notice at all, just feels her limbs comply to where he moves her. She just lets him place her where he wants her, her mind too cloudy to really realize what he is doing until it is done and then at that point she goes with it because she didn't stop it so could she really? _What, no… Kara don't let him just move you. - Too late. - What the hell are you doing?_

She can feel him hard against her rear through the material of her sweats. His hand still pressing too hard between her legs but still she holds her legs open because it hurt less that way. She shouldn't be doing that. She knew she shouldn't as that was basically telling him she was into it… but she can't bring herself to say anything. Not a damn word.

He slips her pants below her hips before she knows what is happening.

When she feels his hand behind her butt, hopeful that maybe this new angle wouldn't hurt so bad. Knowing he wasn't finished when he had guided her sweats so the waistband was just low enough to give him access.

She stills when something that feels _different_ presses into her. She knew it had only been about 3 seconds since he had put her on her side but time slowed as soon as she felt _that._

The thing feels smooth against her butt as he adjusts it to rest at her entrance. Without warning it is pressed to her with the guidance of his hand. And there was nothing she could think to do. Nothing at all.

 _Oh… I guess that's happening tonight. - No! Tell him to stop. You don't want this. You want to wait. - Too late now. - IT HURTS. STOP. - At least go slower. PLEASE._

She gasps, goes completely rigid for a moment before jerking away. It hurts. It _really_ hurts. Tears come to her eyes. If his fingers hurt this was so _so_ much worse.

She felt like she was being torn open.

A little bit like when she had tried out a tampon, the small one, and had to remove it while it was still dry in some kind of misguided curiosity of what the human girls did when she had first arrived. She had asked Alex about it, her sister explained then, and Kara was very grateful that she didn't have to bleed for a whole week every month. That seemed miserable. She knew it made Alex miserable.

This though, what was happening right now, _this_ was _**miserable**_.

She thinks she told him that it hurt, or that she at least muttered "ow" when she jerked away. She can't remember if she told him to slow down or not. That doesn't make sense though… if she can tell him to slow down she certainly could have told him to stop. She must not have. Had she?

He pumped into her from behind, grabbing her hip with his hand, holding her waist too tight. His other arm finds a way between her side and the couch, wrapping up and around to hold her waist. She tries to think that it's comforting, him trying to hold her, while she shakes and she thinks she might be whimpering, she's really not sure. All she can really focus on is how much it hurts.

She knew it was supposed to hurt, that's what all the websites say, but she didn't think it was going to be this bad. Kara liked to think she had a pretty high pain tolerance, even without her powers. She had broken her arm, she had cracked ribs, smashed knuckles… and none of that compared to this.

Three or four pumps in after she finally registered what was actually happening she was trying to get away. She thinks that maybe he thought her moving was her trying to move with him so she didn't say anything. It wasn't his fault. It was just painful and she wanted it to stop so badly. _So badly._

The extra space she created though causes him to slip - or at least Kara hoped he slipped - and he bottoms out in her ass. She lets out a yelp as her eyes snap open from where she had them squeezed shut. Her bottom lip she hadn't realized was pinched hard between her teeth is released and iron flavors her tongue as she opens her mouth suddenly finding it very hard to pull air into her lungs. The tears she felt stinging the corners of her eyes are dampening her cheeks now.

Kara jerks away to get off the couch, her hand jumps down to grab his forearm where he had a hold on her hips she tries to use it as leverage to separate them. She squeezes, feeling his muscles moving below her hand as he holds her not letting her get away. She had really hoped grabbing him would tell him to stop. She didn't know why her mouth wasn't working or why her brain wouldn't even give her words to say. But this time she had actually moved, like legs trying to get to the floor or her trying to roll off the couch. Anything to make it stop.

Well, except telling him to apparently.

He goes back to the right hole when he pulls out and pounds into her a handful of times more but it was too much. It hurt worse than she could have imagined. She wasn't ready for that, not at all. But there was no taking it back now.

What's done is done.

Eventually he stills and holds her for a minute or so. She remembers him hugging her tight to his chest, sliding her pants up for her. She's thankful for that, that she wasn't completely exposed. They turned to go back to their original position of her resting on top of him, or do they stay spooning like they were? She really can't remember. She thinks they might doze off again but she isn't sure because she is on her back what feels like too soon and he is getting up.

"Go back to sleep." He kisses her forehead softly as he brushes a hand back over her hair. That was really sweet of him. She was always a sucker for those.

"Where are you going?" Kara looks at the clock 5:30 sitting up on her elbows. He was obviously still tipsy as he stumbled around in the dark apartment and should not be driving but she's still in too much shock trying to figure out what just happened to say anything about that.

"I gotta go." He says with zero explanation he slides a t-shirt on and kisses her lips softly again caressing her cheek with such _care_. "Kick ass at CatCo" and with that he is gone and Kara lets her eyes close pulling her into a sleep, tucked in quilts he had stacked on her when she hadn't quit shaking.

When she wakes up her head is pounding but she's so cozy under the many blankets Nick had tucked around her like a burrito. She groans as her bladder forces her to exit her little cocoon. As she shifts to sit before standing she realizes her lower half is incredibly sore and memories of her _activities_ pop into her mind. _So… I guess that happened._ She wants to be upset about it, deep down she knows she is… like _really really_ upset about it. The nonchalant attitude about it poking through as a cover for the time being though. She needs to be ok right now. The others will be up soon… She can think about it later.

When she wipes she notices blood on the toilet paper. She knows she doesn't get periods so it must be from last night… her butt really hurts. Like bad. She really isn't sure how she'll be able to sit down comfortably for a while. _Now would be a really great time to get my super-healing back._

When she lays back down, careful of her sore body, she tucks back under all those blankets and falls back asleep. A couple of hours later its 9:00 and she's being woken up by the smell of coffee. Her stomach lurches but she manages to keep from vomiting, the effects of her hangover in full effect.

Erin, looking no better than Kara felt, walks over to the couch with an extra mug and hands the blonde a much needed cup of coffee. It doesn't help much and Kara can't really stomach it but the sentiment of it, as the two sit quietly on the couch groaning about their hatred of alcohol, means a lot. Kara puts her coffee on the table and lays back down using her old friend's lap as a pillow listening to Erin and Jake as they continue grumble about the hangover.

They take a slow morning, Kara doesn't get out of there as soon as she planed too. She really was never drinking again. She'd never felt to terrible… and clearly she lacked any sense of decision making ability as well. She settles to stay for a little while after some pleading and eyelash-batting from her good friend, getting greasy pizza for lunch as they watch the National City - Metropolis football game on the television.

The effects of the hangover mostly cured by the greasy pizza. _We really should have gotten that sooner_. At halftime she says her goodbyes with promises to be better about staying in touch. They both pretty much know that won't happen, not for lack of wanting too though, that's just how things go. Kara really sucks at texting. She sinks into Erin's hug for a long minute and with that Kara starts her drive back to National city.

Sitting in her car at the gas-station waiting for the fuel to pump her phone buzzes against the dashboard.

 **Lucy** : you send it?

 _Oh, did I… great now Lucy knows._

 **Kara** : never let me send it again. I'm really sore, Luce

 **Lucy** : that good? That bad?

A sick feeling works its way into Kara's stomach. The blonde knows the new and sudden uneasy feeling has nothing to do with the previous night's consumption of alcohol.

 **Kara** : I don't know. I have nothing to compare it too.

 _Bad, Luce, it was really bad. It felt terrible. Is that normal? Is it supposed to be like that?_

 **Lucy** : that was your first time?

 **Kara** : yes

The pump clicks off as her car is now ready to go. Kara tosses her phone back to the place on the dash and slides out of the car to take care of the hose. When she gets out though she feels like every eye at the gas station is looking right at her and they _know._ They know she got drunk and did something she shouldn't have. They know she was so… so disappointed in herself for letting that happen and they were disappointed too. She feels nearly overwhelmed with panic at the palpable judgment in the air until she takes deep breaths reminding herself that no one possibly could know.

She looks just like the day before, maybe slightly more disheveled and a little bit hungover but they couldn't tell she was no longer _pure,_ tainted in some way _._ She knew she wasn't but that's what it felt like. She also knew her mind was playing tricks on her… but that didn't make it much easier to calm down. She got back into the driver's seat, grabbed her phone and keys off the dash and started on her way back to National City. Far away from that place where the people knew, only to find out that it felt like each car she passed, or passed her, knew too.

Her phone vibrates on her thigh as she pulls up to a light. Kara know's it's another text from Lucy and she strongly considers tossing her phone into the back seat to ignore completely for the remainder of her life. She doesn't really want to talk about it but something inside her is also screaming at her to talk about it.

The more she thinks about the night before the more the throbbing deep in her rectum worsens. It's raw and tight with no hope of finding any relief any time soon. It feels crampy as it presses at the forefront of her concerns. As does the tenderness of her crotch amplified by the pressure placed on it by the way she is sitting in the driver's seat. The discomfort below her belt isn't enough to make her cry on it's own but it compounded with what brought it about is enough to start the stinging at the end of her nose and a dampness over her bottom eyelids.

She knew Lucy could probably help but what if she judged? Kara didn't want to lose a friend. To have Lucy look at her differently. This was so embarrassing. What the hell had she done?

 **Lucy** : Kara, are you ok?

 _No. Lucy I'm scared and it hurts and I didn't want this. It's not supposed to be like this. Why is it like this?_

 **Kara** : yeah. I think I'm ok. I don't know. I don't really want to think about it

 **Lucy** : talking about it might help. I'm here for you babe, whatever you need. I was really sore after my first time too. Hot baths helped, or a hot shower. Also advil.

 **Lucy** : have you talked to Alex

 **Kara** : no. I'm driving back now

Kara waits another 30 minutes before she types one handed as she drives, trying to convince herself that she's not distracted from the road as her car veers a little into the rumble strips. Though her phone isn't the only thing stealing her attention, she doesn't even remember the bulk of the drive. It's almost like she'd teleport-ed to this point in her trip. How had 40 minutes gone by already?

 **Kara:** I don't know what I would even say.

 **Lucy** : Kara, I know you, and Alex knows you even better. Something's off. I'm here if you want me to be but I think you should talk to Alex too.

 **Kara** : she'll be so disappointed..l oh god Lucy what did I do

 **Lucy** : no, Kara, no she won't. Breathe, babe, just breathe

 **Lucy** : you're disappointed or regretting it?

Kara doesn't answer for another 45 minutes which is answer enough to confirm Lucy's suspicions. She knew the blonde was driving back but she also knew that Kara was really bad about texting while she drives. It really irritated Lucy to no end but this was important and she knew there was no way the blonde would talk to her with her actual damn voice.

 **Kara** : more in myself. I can't really regret something like that can I? I was drunk.. I made an adult mistake… regretting it does nothing… I just have to move on, forget about it… things happen. I'll never see him again either

 **Lucy** : do you want to?

 **Kara** : no, I'm nowhere near being able to be in a relationship right now with everything going on. I'm too busy and I wouldn't be able to give them what they'd need… no. I'm perfectly good with being single. I'd prefer it really

 **Lucy** : As for the other things, things happen and ur right but i think ur still too busy to think too intensely on it. You didn't give this boy your heart or anything special. You are still a pure person and a badass. IT was a physical act. Like running a half marathon. Something that may alter your body but its momentary. You're still you. It will be painful for a little and sore but your body will recover and when you train your next half marathon the past one will have no effect on the next one and when you run it again it will feel just as hard and just as new as the first one. Trust me. You're still you. Nothing will change. You can't let it.

Kara wants to laugh a little bit at her friends analogy… she had never run a half marathon in her entire life. Also… the whole "sore" thing was a pretty novel concept for the Kryptonian. Also… training for sex seems like it's not a thing… but she is pretty sure Lucy hadn't meant that she should train for the next time… nix that Kara knows Lucy didn't mean it like that… At least she's pretty sure...

However she didn't really know what to say to the youngest Lane. Tears stung her eyes at the words in the text and Kara knew she would be going back to look at those words often to try to comfort herself.

She always liked receiving texts telling her what she needed to hear… that way she could go back and look at them when she needed too instead of needing to go to that person again when she was struggling with something else. It was better for everyone that way. She got the words she needed. She didn't annoy someone with her problems. She didn't have to tell them her new problems. _Win - win_.

 **Alex** : drive safe sis, love you. Hope you had a good night with your friends

It's then the tears spill down Kara's cheeks. It had been a good night. It had been a _really_ good night … until it wasn't. Kara really didn't want to deal with that right now, not at all. So the blonde turned up the music as loud as she could handle and tried to focus on the road (she failed, her thoughts were only about how big of a screw up she was).

About an hour later when Kara gets back to her apartment she finally texts her sister back. She must type the message out 5 or 6 different times deleting it each time before she finally talks herself into sending it.

 **Kara** : hey, can I ask you an embarrassing personal question?

 **Alex** : always. Do you want me to call? Don't text and drive.

 **Kara** : No, that's ok. And I just got back.

 **Alex** : good, Maggie and I are almost back as well. What's up?

 **Kara** : don't be mad

 **Alex** : I'll decide if I'm mad after you ask.

 _Crap._

 **Alex:** Talk to me, Kara. What's going on?

 **Kara** : I'm not in trouble or anything like that

 **Alex** : Never thought you were

 **Alex:** Kara. Tell. Me.

 _Rao, here it goes_. Kara really isn't sure why she's texting all of this. It feels a little like word vomit, like she is still missing her filter from the effects of the alcohol, but she's not… She doesn't want to be texting this, it's silly and dumb and Alex really doesn't need to worry about yet another one of her nonproblem-problems. Yet, she finds herself pressing send anyway.

 **Kara** _:_ so last night I kind of slept with this guy and I'm really sore Alex and I don't know what to do

 _Kind of? How do you kind of sleep with someone one. Pretty sure that's either something that either you do or you don't… stupid._

 **Alex** : first of all are you ok mentally? And were you safe?

 **Kara** : I'm not sure how I am mentally and I know that doesn't make any sense

Some moments she was ok. Then she thought about it. Then she wasn't. Then she talked herself into being ok again. Kinda. So no she probably wasn't ok mentally but it was super confusing. _It really shouldn't be though._ Her being confused didn't make any sense to Kara. _Pick one, Kara. It's not hard._

 _Safe? Well yeah, I guess. We were at Erin's apartment, I wasn't attacked or anything like that. That seems far fetched.. We were just at her apartment.. On her couch… it wasn't unsafe… weird question sis..._

 _Condom. Dummy. Alex wants to know if he used a condom._

 **Kara** : I don't think he used a condom

 _Hell, I didn't even know he was going to… there wasn't time for him to have put on a condom._

 **Alex** : that was your first time wasn't it

 **Kara** : yeah

 **Alex** : Oh, sis

It's then the lump forms in Kara's throat. It feels like it's closing off as she swallows past it trying to force it back down where it came from. _No. No lumps in the throat. You're fine._

 **Alex** : are you sure you don't need me to call

 _No, then Maggie will know and she'll just_ _ **know…**_ _.. Because she's a detective and "detectives detect, Danvers."_ Also Kara really isn't sure that she could speak past this colossal lump still sitting in her damn throat. _Silly alien, emotions are for humans._

 **Alex** : I don't care what you say I'm coming over when we get back

 **Kara** : you're with Maggie, don't call. I'm ok

There's no point in arguing about Alex coming over though. That was happening weather Kara wanted it to or not. And if she was being honest she really wasn't sure which that was. She needed Alex but also she really didn't want to deal with this or let Alex see her dealing with this. It was silly to even have to deal with this. _It was just sex. That's it._

 **Alex** : Maggie won't mind and you literally just said you didn't know if you were or not so don't lie to me. Do you regret it?

 _I know Maggie won't mind. She'd probably actually be really helpful but I can't deal with that right now._

 **Kara** : I don't know if I want her to know, ok? And a little. But I don't think I can… I don't know Alex. I was ok when I woke up but I've been thinking about it all day…

 _Don't be that girl, Kara. You don't get to be that girl who regrets having sex and makes people think that it was something it wasn't because you feel guilty. You don't get to do that._

 **Alex:** oh, Kara, she's not going to judge but ok

 _I know she won't. It's Maggie for God's sake…_ But Kara can't say that so she just doesn't respond. Instead she chooses to… well she doesn't really choose to do anything… she just sits there. On her couch. Staring at the wall. Doing nothing. Lost in thought. About pretty much nothing at all. But also everything. All at once. Until another vibration from where her phone rests on her coffee table pulls her from her not thought-thoughts.

Kara wipes her hand over her face as she forces herself to take a deep breath. _What the hell is going on with you? Snap out of it._

 **Alex** : we're back. I'm coming over. Be there in 30. Take some ibuprofen. If you're still hurting you can sit on an ice pack. We can talk more when I get there

 **Kara** : ok

 **Alex** : I love you, Kara

Kara fights back tears as she reads that text. Damn it, Alex always knew what she needed to hear even if Kara herself didn't. Why'd her sister have to know her so well?

She forces herself to stand from the comfort of her couch, her literal favorite place (safest place) on the planet and does what "Dr. Danvers Jr" prescribes. She really couldn't be more glad that she kept ibuprofen in the house for Alex or whomever might need it. She remembers Alex trying to convince her to buy some _you won't need it till you need it - That doesn't make sense - but it does, fine, if not for you keep some for me_.

She gets in the shower like Lucy had suggested, just wanting something to make her feel better. Stop the aching between her legs. Make her feel a little less _dirty._ Showers always helped her feel better, especially hot ones. She loved them. So Kara made sure she turned it up while being mindful that she is still without her powers and it can't be as hot.

The shower feels nice but she still feels dirty when she's done. At least the warm water hid her tears.

Wasting no time she steps into a pair of comfortable sweats a loose bra and a over-sized t-shirt. She really didn't want to feel exposed by her nakedness much longer than she had too. She told herself it was because the air of her apartment was cold on her wet skin without her superpowers to insulate her. She told herself it's just so she could stay warm…

When she's gathering her dirty clothes from the corner she had tossed them in while trying to get into the shower as quickly as possible. It's not until she is pulling her the layers of her pants and underwear apart to make washing easier does she notice fresh looking blood on the crotch of her panties. _Breathe Kara, blood is ok. You bleed when you don't have powers. You're fine._

She's still holding them in her hand as Alex enters her apartment, the layout allowing her to catch her sister's eye for a second. Kara quickly looks back at the hamper and shoves the offending clothing into the bin before turning to smile at Alex. She hopes Alex thinks it's real… well it was a little bit. Her big sister has come baring ice cream and pizza. Pizza and ice cream could only be made better if pot stickers were added to the mix, even if Kara wasn't exactly feeling like she had much an appetite at the moment. Her blood always made her just a little bit queasy.

When Kara's greeting of "hey" comes out a little weaker and squeaker then intended she watches as her sister rushes to put the goods on the counter. Kara thinks Alex might have superspeed for a moment because not a second later she envelopes Kara in a hug. Alex's arms are around her shoulders, Kara tucks her nose in the crook of Alex's neck squeezing her sister tight. Alex squeezes back just as hard.

"How are you holding up?" The eldest whispers into the blonde locks tickling her cheek.

"I'm" - Kara's voice cracks, _dang it -_ "I'm ok."

Alex kisses the side of her head knowing for a fact that she was not. And when she says "you're ok" into the crown of Kara's head still hiding in the hollow of her shoulder she means it in a completely different way. "I've got you."

Kara takes a final deep breath in and forces herself to step out of her sister's embrace. _Be a big girl Kara. Deflect._ "How was your night with Maggie?"

"It was really good," She smiles and lets her hands fall from Kara's torso "but we can talk about that later. Go. Sit. I'll grab some plates and we will talk, ok?"

Kara nods and does what she's told. There's really no trying to get out of it. She doesn't want to but she also wants nothing more. _MAKE UP YOUR MIND._ The young hero sits in her spot folding her legs as close to her chest as possible ignoring the pull deep in her still very tender core. She pull a blanket over her legs from where it lay over the back of the couch and hugs a pillow over her chest to try to hide a just little bit.

Alex gives her a sympathetic look when she hands the pizza over and plops down across from her on the other side of the couch, catching the split-second a wince on her sister's face as she moved. _Shit, she must really be sore._ "Kara-"

"I don't need _the_ talk, Alex, I'm 24."

"This isn't a sex talk." Alex shakes her head as she rips a bite from her pizza. Kara always thought it was weird that Alex folded her pizza in half when she ate it... "Besides I think it's a little late for that."

 _Ouch._ Kara bites her lip, her face flushing. _Too soon, Al._

Alex watches her little sister carefully as the blonde visibly winces at her words a little more then she had the same expression playing on her face just moments ago. Kara drops her head and immediately the brunette feels too much like she had just kicked a puppy. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok I know you were just teasing." Kara says without much conviction but it's still evident that she's trying to make Alex feel better for putting her foot in her mouth. _Besides_ , Kara thinks to herself, _she's not wrong… is she_?

"What made you decide to have sex with him?" Alex starts, realizing that her sister hadn't actually said the word sex yet. Or anything really.

 _Well, I guess we are just jumping right on in there then. Grreeeeaat._ Kara shrugs as she moves to answer putting her pizza down on the coffee table and hugging her legs even closer. "I didn't. It kind of just... happened? I don't know. We were drinking. At the end of the night we laid down to sleep on Erin's couch. We decided to share because sleeping on the floor sucks and I really don't mind cuddling."

Alex holds a snort at that. Kara _loved_ cuddling. "We had been flirting and talking all night and I was fine with that. He looked comfy and he was so sweet." Alex listens to her ramble for a moment before she raises her eyebrows prompting Kara to continue without spooking her into silence. "Aaanyyy-wayyyyy...He kissed me goodnight. That turned into making out and one thing lead to another." Kara gestures in circles with her hands to fill in what she doesn't really feel like saying out loud.

 _Kara, there are a lot of steps in-between making out and full on sex…_ "Was it 100% consensual?" It strikes Alex that the young woman had told her that she didn't decide on anything. Kara wasn't that kind of person. As confused and conflicted as she could get sometimes Kara always made a decision even when she _didn't know._ And sex didn't just happen. Alex was well aware of that, probably more than anyone should be. Decisions were always made, so for Kara to say she hadn't decided set off more than a few redflags for the agent.

"Yes." Kara answers too quickly, she answered before the question is even all the way out of the redhead's mouth. Alex looks at her very _very_ concerned, a sick feeling gets trapped in her stomach and she _knows_ … knows it probably wasn't. Something just doesn't smell right. She knew her sister and she knew that even drunk, it was unlikely that Kara would have wanted to have sex. Even with her questions and even with her loneliness. "Yes?"

 _And there it is…_ Alex thinks, because if it wasn't clear before it's plenty clear now: Kara really hadn't thought about that at all. She hadn't even considered it a possibility. "I think it was at least." Kara's face goes blank as she thinks about what happened. "I kissed him back. I didn't tell him to stop it. I didn't say no." _Oh, Kara…_ "He didn't know…"

"He didn't know what, Kara?" Alex watches as her sister swallows hard and clenches her jaw. She is suddenly incapable of keeping any kind of eye contact or even looking at any part of her older sister. _Fuck, Kara, what happened…_ The blue eyes usually so bright and brave glass over and grow wide, she looks a little too close to a deer in the headlights for Alex's taste. A little too close to panic. Alex shifts closer to her sister on the couch and covers Kara's toes with her own, offering a small touch that she could easily pull away from if she needed too. "Hey, hey. Kar, it's ok. Can you tell me what happened?"

"We fell asleep after um... _fooling around_... for a bit then both woke up and started messing around again. That's when _it_ happened. I think I fell back asleep for a bit then he had to leave. He woke me up to say goodbye and got my number. I just met him last night…"

Alex gives her a look knowing there's more. Needing to know more so she can help Kara process this she drops her head forward a little bit and raises her eyebrows just enough to let Kara know that she can tell her more. That she wants to know more. Whatever _this_ is. "You can tell me more if you want to." _Please tell me more. I just want to help._ Alex pressed lightly, she knew Kara wanted to talk about it, at least a little bit, to try to figure out what happened… to try to see if that was normal… ask why it hurt so bad... she was just nervous and a little bit too pure hearted to jump right to it. Maybe a little scared too.

"Alex." Kara turns 100 shades of red at even trying to articulate the events of last night. It was hard enough for her to say the word sex let alone describe it. Give the play-by-play if you will. See, she was really worried that it hurt so bad because people always joked about people who liked it rough… that wasn't Kara.. she was just hoping to connect with a man she cared about on a deeper level, to trust them with her in every way… that was not what last night was. Not even close. She didn't want to be a _freak._ Not like everyone always teased her about " _it's always the quiet ones. It's always the ones who seem the most vanilla…"_ Heck, Kara had even had to ask Alex what being vanilla meant that's how _uneducated_ she was… is.

"Walk me through it Kara, no judgement. I just want to help." She twitches her lip up in a smile making sure Kara sees her soft expression. _I promise, sis, there isn't anything that could have happened that I haven't heard or done myself._ She watches as Kara fights a quivering lip and scoots closer to the blonde on the couch. Kara extending her legs to drape across her older sister's lap. Alex hugs them close to her as she takes Kara's hand in both of hers. "It's ok." _It's going to be ok._

Alex draws her thumb against the back of her little sister's knuckles as Kara starts a recap of what happened stumbling over her words as she struggles to ever talk about anything sexual. Her friends, even Alex, always loved to tease her about it. See who could make her blush most. Kara didn't mind that too much, it never made her too uncomfortable and they always stopped before it went too far, but now it just felt sad and pathetic.

"Ok… yeah.. Um.. so… it's all really fuzzy and blurry. I don't remember everything but he kissed me good night. That turned to a make out. His hands were moving over my back then they were squeezing my butt. Then they were squeezing my butt inside my pants… He had his hands pulling on my boobs too at some point. Then um… then his hands were… his fingers… they… um, were in front. They were… _inside_ … before I knew… so I wanted to distract him and asked him if I could um… _you know-_ "

"Give him a hand job?" Alex gently supplies the words when Kara falters but doesn't press her to say them.

Kara nods shyly, her cheeks flushing even more. "He said yes and his hand stopped… I was relieved… but then he had his hand on my head and all the sudden it was _down there._ He asked me to… to… um… well he didn't really use words I don't think but um… god this is embarrassing…"

"Suck his dick." Alex kicks herself for a second. _Good, hit it right on the head._ She has to shrug internally at herself because it was probably best that she did. Besides… how many other ways could she really put it at this point.

"Yeeaah, yeah that. So I did. He stopped me before he… before he _finished_ and he went to um... take care of it in the bathroom. When he came back I fell asleep on his chest after we talked about something for a little while I don't remember what." Alex nods encouraging her to continue. "All I remember him saying when we were… messing around...is that I shouldn't worry and that "it" wasn't going to happen and that I should stop asking if he was ok."

"Did he know you were a virgin?"

Her face grows hot again, well hotter then it had been this entire time. The blonde huffs a breath and whispers in such a small voice… Alex hadn't heard that voice in a long time. Not since she left for college at least. "Does it matter?"

"Kara." The older sister rests her hand on the young woman's knee. Close enough to her hand that Kara could take it if she wanted too. She felt weary about touching her sister now. She didn't want to trigger anything. But Kara had always relished touch. It was as if she were starved of it. She needed it sometimes, especially from Alex.

"Ok, okay." Kara wipes her hands over her thighs gripping the worn cotton bunching up at her knees. "Not before I don't think. But I must have said something for him to say that right?" She wipes her hand over her face. "I kind of remember telling him that I'd never done the um…" Kara waves her hands around trying to convey something with pretty much zero success.

"Oral" Alex fills in once again. _How the hell did she have sex if she can't even say oral… what in the world…_ Alex always thought it was funny how immature Kara was when it came to this stuff. She was so damn squeamish… and it's really kinda more funny because Kara was one of the most mature 24 year-olds she had ever known. Hell she held the weight of at least two worlds on her shoulders and did it with so much grace. She could save lives, punch through walls, throw things into space, fly, and do all kinds of amazing things… but she could not even say the word _s-e-x_ without blushing.

"...thing before... Or the hand thing either but I'm not sure." Kara takes a second to breathe trying to read the agent sitting across the couch from her. It wasn't any use really, Alex had schooled her expression and Kara found that both comforting and concerning at the same time. "So after we woke up, I think I kissed his neck again. I really don't know… but his hands were back on my butt and I was on my back and his hands were in my pants again… He was kissing me though. I at least liked that. His lips were so soft."

"Did you not like the other stuff?" Alex asked gently, pretty sure of the answer already but she needed to hear Kara say it.

"No...It didn't feel good at all. It hurt… All of it hurt… that's why I tried to distract him… I wanted it to feel better… to feel good… but more then that I wanted it to stop... I couldn't tell him to stop… The words… they just wouldn't come out... but um… when I was on my back when we had woken up… He um… he…" Her face drops to stare a hole in the couch through her legs that had made their way back up to her chest. The deep shade of red coloring her face could rival her cape.

"It's ok, Kara. You can tell me. No judgement, remember." _Here we go… this is when it happened_

"He was choking me…" _Did not see that coming, sis. Kara, I'm so sorry. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Who chokes a virgin… a clearly nervous/distressed virgin... who chokes Kara for god's sake._ "I couldn't breathe… I couldn't breathe Alex… He thought I liked it but… I… uh... I don't know why… but when I, um, told him to stop um… he did..So.. I think he would have if I would have stopped the other stuff if I would have just told him too..."

It's then that Alex's heart truly breaks for her sister… _fuck, Kara. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. That's not sex, sis. Oh god I'm so sorry._ She kept it together though, calling on her training to keep her face schooled for her sister's sake. If she reacted Kara might not continue and she needed too… _damn it._ "That freaked you out didn't it."

"Yeah. I was scared before but then, I was shaking, he told me to stop doing that a few times, even asked if I was cold. I wasn't, but I couldn't stop shaking… Alex I couldn't breathe… but he stopped so it was ok." _No, no, Kara. That is not ok. Not even a little bit._ "Then he flipped me around somehow so he was… he was um… behind me. Then…" _no, please no. "_ Then he was inside me before I even knew my pants were down or before I even registered that something besides his fingers were against me… It hurt so bad, Alex. I pulled away from him, flinched really. But he kept going and he must have slipped because he…it… it went in the… um… he got the wrong hole."

Tears were in Kara's eyes at this point and starting to spill over her cheeks. So embarrassed that she had technically done anal, and been choked… And she honestly couldn't believe that she had given a blow job either but hey this was her now…

And Alex… Alex could swear she felt her heart actually breaking in her chest wanting to take all of this away from her little sister. To protect her from all this pain and confusion and whatever damage would come down the road as she dealt (or didn't) with this. She scoots forward on the couch and cups Kara's cheek. Their legs pulled to both their chests as they sit face to face. Her thumb brushing her baby sister's tears away. "Breathe, Kar. I got ya." She wanted desperately to say that it was ok. That it was ok to do anal but this wasn't that and nothing about this was ok.

Kara has to take a moment to remind her lungs how to work correctly, swallowing hard she drops her voice even softer. "I know I yelped at that point. I tried to get away. I think I might have told him to stop at that point but I don't remember. Alex I've never felt so much pain, especially not there… I tried to roll off the couch but he held me there by my hips and his bottom arm below me holding my body down. He… um… fixed it though and went back to the right one… Then it was over after that. He just stopped. I don't know if he… if he finished or not. I don't even know how long it lasted after he.. Uh.. corrected. It stopped though and then I fell back asleep and woke up a little while later when he was leaving. He was really sweet when he left though. Told me to kick ass at CatCo and kissed my forehead."

Alex was fighting back tears for a completely different reason. That asshole - _poor choice of words, Alex_ \- had… he had assaulted and pretty much raped Kara... and sweet, innocent, Kara, had no fucking clue. She still thought the guy was sweet and nice. That, that's how it was supposed to be. "Kara… I am so sorry. God I am so, so, sorry that this has happened to you. That's not sex, Kara. It's not."

"What is it then?" She tilts her head to the side, truly not catching on to what Alex was so painfully carefully trying to point out. Trying to figure out how to tell your precious little sister - who literally smiles the rays of the sun and practically shits rainbows even after everything she's been through - that she'd been raped. How the fuck do you tell somebody that?

 _Oh, sweet, sweet Kara. Oh, sis._ "Kara he violated you. You didn't consent to that. That's not… Kara that's not sex."

"But I don't think it was um..." _rape or anything like that._ She can't bring herself to say the world.

Kara stops talking for a while. She just sits. Knees hugged tight to her chest, trying not to think about how it still feels like she's being ripped open down there. She sits staring down into the worn out couch cushion focusing on a spot just in front of Alex's big doe. She tries to focus on the feeling of Alex's legs against hers. Of her hand resting cautiously on top of Kara's knee. Alex doesn't talk either though as she tries to let Kara process a little bit, tries to let her think about it a little bit.

Eventually the usually so sweet and smooth voice croaks out "It's just something that happened." The emotion swelling in the younger woman's throat making it difficult to get words out. "I didn't stop it. He was drunk too. We both were. He couldn't have known it hurt so bad or that I didn't want to… I didn't say anything." Her sister, the strongest damn person Alex knew, was choking back a sob.

"Oh, Kara." Alex's heart truly breaks then. _God damn it._ Alex fights with everything she has not to take hold of her sister and pull her into her arms. She couldn't do that anymore. She didn't want to scare her. To make her feel worse. "My heart hurts for you. What can I do?"

"I really… I really need a hug." Kara whispers hardly loud enough to hear as the tears she had been holding back flood over her eyelids with a blink. Now. Now Alex pulls her sister into her arms, the kryptonian always felt so small, so fragile when she curled up into Alex. It never failed to surprise Alex that Kara's long lean frame could feel so breakable. "Please don't tell anybody. I'm so embarrassed." She hides her nose in the bunched up fabric at Alex's chest. She turns her face into the flat of her sister's chest as if she wanted to crawl inside just to be safe.

"Never." She states dropping a kiss to the part of the blonde head that she could reach as she pulls Kara in tighter to her chest. Her arms bracing her and her hands rubbing gently over Kara's arm not tucked into her gut. Though Kara's boney angles always found a way into the most uncomfortable spots, Alex never minded. Not even a little bit. This was _HER_ little sister. "Kara there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Not even a little bit."

"Alex it was so bad." She almost blubbers out through another sob. Her fist clutching at Alex's shirt.

"Shhh, Kar. I've got you." She kisses the top of Kara's head again. "I've got you." Alex rocks slightly as they sit curled tight to each other, just like she used to. God, she never thought she'd be thankful for those times she held Kara as she broke for the fact that she knew just how to do it, what to expect. She was plenty thankful that she got to hold Kara and be the one to be there but now she's just glad she knows, for the most part, what Kara needs. Even though it's been _years_ and this is just a little different, she still knows that her sister just needs someone. Kara needs _her._

They sit like that a long time, Kara's tears getting caught in Alex's old shirt. Eventually she quiets, the sobs stop. The tears a little while later and Kara, sitting rigid and straining into Alex as she holds her. Alex can breathe again when Kara relaxes into her arms, getting even closer if that was even possible. Kara tilts her her head back to look into Alex's eyes. Those bright blues glowing. It always breaks Alex's heart when they shine that bright… the only thing that gets them glowing like _that_ is tears, sad, sad, tears. Kara adjusts slightly in her oldersiters lap and winces as her rear hits Alex's leg. Pretending she doesn't catch it, Alex reaches down and tucks a peice of the wavy blonde hair behind her sister's ear leaving her hand to hold the side of Kar's face as she speaks softly. "Kara, are you still sore?"

Pink flushes the Kryptonians cheeks but she doesn't look away from where their eyes hold each other's, each sister trying to take in what the other is thinking. Eventually though Kara gulps a little bit and nods into Alex's chest. "Yes."

"It's ok." She soothes dropping her head back against the couch as she considers the ceiling while Kara rests her nose in Alex's stomach, sinking down so her head is in her sister's lap. Alex's hands habitually start running through her still damp hair. "So your powers are still gone?"

"Yes." The blonde mumbles as she turns on her side, nose still buried in her sister's tshirt, legs getting tucked so she's a little ball. With one arm Alex drapes the blanket kept on the top of the couch over her as she continues to stroke Kara's hair with the other.

"Did you bleed?" Silence is the answer though she thinks she feels the wiggle of Kara's head on the tops of her thighs in a nod. Alex needs a real answer though as much as she wanted to let Kara just cuddle into her. As long as she needed. "Kara it's ok if you did. Just tell me so I can make sure you're alright." _Physically, at least._

"There was still blood when I got in the shower."

 _Fuck… why'd she have to get in the shower._ She thinks, realizing now that Kara's hair had been wet the entire time she'd been over. Cuddling a freshly showered Kara isn't anything new for Alex, it's just this time she'd wishes she would have put two and two together a little sooner. _I hadn't even thought of that…_ Alex kicks herself because she definitely should have thought of that, but she also knows that there was no way she could have known that Kara hadn't actually had sex…

Alex must take too long to respond because Kara is sitting up and turning to look at her carefully. "Alex, what is it?"

"You're ok." She comforts the panic from Kara's face almost immediately. Her arms open again as Kara leans into her, resting her head on Alex's shoulder. "But I think we should go in to the DEO and get you checked out. I'm not worried about anything I just want to make sure you're ok an I really think that it would be smart, ok?"

"Would it be you um…" She vaguely motions down to her waste. She really didn't want Alex poking her head around down there but she didn't want anyone else to do it either.

Alex pulls her in closer to her side, running her hand over Kara's arm not tucked tightly to her ribs. "No, I'd ask Marley Hamilton to do it." She leans away from her little sister for a second to look her in the eye. "Unless you would rather it be me, then I'll do it. Whatever makes you most comfortable, ok?"

"No… no.. um. That's fine." Kara lets her head fall with a slight thud back to Alex's shoulder. If this situation didn't suck so bad Alex would chuckle at how _soft_ her little sister was. Not that she wasn't either. Alex was the softest, especially when it came to Kara. Hell, with Maggie too now. "You really think…." _I need to go get checked out?_

"I do."

"Ok." Kara tucks into Alex's side making no moves to rush getting in to go through what will be a very invasive exam. Alex lets her through, her arm following Kara's body as she pulls her in close. It's no surprise when Kara mumbles "can we stay here for a little while though" into her chest.

"Sure, Kar. How's 20 minutes sound?" She knows the answer is _good_ when she feels Kara's head trying to nuzzle just a little closer. Alex lets her. God, she'd always let her. Kara wasn't this snugly often but when she was it's because she needed to be held. She needed to feel like there was someone still out there.

Alex lets the powerless hero doze off for a little while in her arms. Sinically she want's Kara to sleep now that she can because she's afraid for a near future when sleep is just a little harder to come by for her little sister. She pulls her phone out carefully and types a couple quick messages, the only sound in the apartment is Kara's soft snores and the tap of her fingers against her phone.

 **Maggie:** Hope everything's ok. Give little danvers a hug for me

 **Danvers 3:** I'm going to take her in to the DEO for a little bit to get looked at. I might be sleeping over here tonight. Sorry babe

 **Maggie:** Don't be sorry. Do whatever she needs. Text me when you guys finish up and I'll bring some food over, ok?

 **Maggie:** Love you both, hang in there big sis

 **Danvers 3:** Love you too

 _God, how did I get so lucky._ Maggy is literally a saint and an angle and every other good heavenly thing wrapped all into one. Alex's heart swells just a little when she thinks about how lucky she is to get to marry that women.

 **Alex:** Hey, are you in today?

 **Marley:** Yeah, just running some research. What's up? Our favorite alien doing ok?

 **Alex:** Can I bring her in? I'll fill you in when we get there. How long are you there for?

 **Marley:** Absolutely. I'm not doing anything today so I'll be here a while probably.

Alex looks down at Kara sleeping softly not wanting to have to wake her up, let alone take her in to do this exam. It's her little sister, damn it. Her little fucking sister. God damn it.

 **Alex:** Thanks, Mar. See you soon.

 _Damn it._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN -**

 **Hey, guys. Thanks so much for the reviews and for reaching out. I really appreciate the feedback and support.**

 **This chapter deals with a SAFE exam. It isn't exactly what happens for the sake of not trying to make it to difficult to get through as a story but I try to cover it as closely as I can. I tried to make it so if you are afraid of it you might know a little bit of what to expect. Or if you have gone through the exam and didn't know if how it went for you was bad or not. That being said everyone's own reactions and experiences are a little different. I also hope that even if you didn't/don't have someone there for you like Alex was for Kara you can use this a sort of a vicarious comfort.**

 **Let me be clear. I am not writing this as something sexy or to be looked at (even last chapter) in any sort of a sexual way. I'm not going to tell you how to read this but the inclusion of these chapters are 100% to tell the story and are very deliberate in the way I worded the details to try to be as helpful as possible in maybe helping someone relate in a similar situation. In case it was not already made painfully obvious. RAPE IS NOT SEX.**

 **Please keep the reviews coming you guys. They really do mean a lot to me. If you have any insights or suggestions please, please, let me know.**

 **All the best -T**

* * *

Alex watches Kara carefully as they exit her car and walk through the parking garage. It's not often Kara uses this entrance to the building. Kara tries her best to walk normally, and Alex wouldn't have noticed the added stiffness to her sister's gait if she wasn't aware of how sore she was feeling. The two go from the dim parking structure into the bright florescent lights of the hallway as they make their way to the labs/medical section of their building.

It just so happens that as they are walking through on their way to medical Marley Hamilton walks across the hall way from her office to her lab. "Marley, hey." The older Danvers waives her friend and colleague down trying her best to smile at the women. There was no need for anyone to see that there was anything wrong with Supergirl, let alone let anyone see that she, Agent Badass in the flesh, was not ok.

The doctor flashes a warm smile and stops as the two sisters approach her. She takes note of the way Alex stands tall at Kara's side. She's only seen that specific posture in her friend a handful of times. Each of those have been when she was being strong for Kara, acting as a quietly strong shield as if daring who or what ever it was to try her. She noticed the way that Kara drew strength from that posture her sister often took to act as her protector. Her chest out, chin back, shoulders pulled back to seem wider somehow. Alex felt like a shield when she got like that too. Like every little thing would somehow bounce off her chest before it could even think of reaching her vulnerable little sister. As if somehow reality did not reflect the exact opposite. In short it was easy for the scientist to conclude: something was definitely going on. "What's up? Problems with the solarflare?"

Alex frowns and mutters "not quite" under her breath as she turns to Kara. Her expression close to heart ache and worry but unreadable at the same time as if she were trying to be strong for the young hero. Because she was. Alex always was. Kara hadn't looked up from the tile floor for more than a second as she all but hid behind her older sister.

Marley always found it curious how people thought of the blonde as juvenile, that's how she was often portrayed, however she never saw that quality in the young hero until this moment. She was afraid and she was begging Alex to save her. To protect her. Sure, Alex was Kara's shield, but Marley had never actually seen Kara posture behind her. Not once. Usually the two got caught up in trying to be strong and protect each other to worry about themselves. Whatever happened… it had to be exceptionally horrible.

Kara tries to smile at the kind woman as she pushes the fear deep down in her chest, a practice she is not new too. She really likes Dr. Hamilton. She's been very helpful in Kara's start of her superhero career. Kara got her ass kicked way more often than she'd like to admit. Sometimes Alex takes care of her and sometimes it's Dr. Hamilton. Depending on who's around, if Alex is also hurt, but most often it has to do with Alex's feelings on the reason Kara needed to see medical… when it's the later Kara actually prefers Dr. Hamilton. She doesn't tend to lecture half as much as Alex.

But right now Kara doesn't really know what to say to the woman waiting patiently. She doesn't know how to tell her that she has an injury _down there_ and all the other things that will come out within the next couple of hours. The young blonde only turns to Alex, who is watching her carefully, when she can't quite find the courage to speak past the very tight feeling strangling her vocal chords. Her big blue eyes pleading with her older sister for a little help. _I can't do this Alex. I can't._

Alex nods and grabs Kara's shoulder for a second brushing the pad of her thumb over Kara's shirt where she can feel the angle of Kara's collar bone just below the soft cotton. _You're ok, Kara. I've got you._ "Go change, Kar. I'll talk to her." The blonde mutters a thank you as she walks down the hall to the exam room. Neither of the women miss the way the blonde glances around the hallway to make sure no one sees her before she steps into the room, shutting the door quickly as she can.

With a sad shake of her head Alex turns back to her friend. "Kara… Kara was… well I don't exactly know how to put it… someone slept with Kara last night. She's still bleeding and she's a little bit freaked out. I know she'll heal when she gets her powers back but I think she needs a kit and needs to be thoroughly checked out. I'm not really convinced it was consensual at all. Actually I'm pretty much 99% sure she was assaulted. I think she understands that as well but she's also in denial and beating herself up. So if you could…"

The doctor listens closely and her shoulders drop, deflated, as she hears the concern in the Agent's voice. It's her turn now to reach up and grab Alex's shoulder reassuringly. The shield posture shrinks momentarily as the sister accepts the comfort for the situation at hand. She might not be the one going through it but that doesn't mean it's not the hardest damn thing she's ever had to help Kara with. "Say no more."

The agent takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of her nose trying to fight off the stinging in the end of it, so indicative of tears about to flow down her cheeks. That can't happen here, Alex knows that. Not yet. And certainly not at the DEO. "Thank's Marley."

"Don't mention it. I'll be in in like 10 minutes I have to finish this up quick then I'll be all yours." She lets her hand drop back to her side as she shoves her hands back into the pockets of her lab coat. "Will you let her know a little bit of what to expect? You know how…" _tough these things can be._

"Yeah…" Her hand finds its way back to the bridge of her nose pinching just at the lump where bone meets cartilage. Doing so always takes Alex's mind from whatever thing is stressing her out enough that she need to put her hand to her face. She had broken her nose a few times, you'd never tell unless you really looked but still. Once in training for the DEO. The other two coming from her childhood. Once from soccer in high school and the other from not paying attention when she was running and happened to clothesline herself on a low hanging sign on the beach. _Good times._ "I'll talk to her."

The two turn away from each other for the time being as the doctor stops mid stride turning to her friend. "Oh, Alex," She had remembered a key part to the collection but was unsure how to really approach the situation. Sure women had to go through this more than could ever be ok but this was Kara and this was personal and she wanted to help her through it as much as she possibly could.

"Hmm?" The older sister hums in question, wondering what it was that her friend could have thought of last second that couldn't wait till she was with Kara. Alex really was happy to have a friend like Marley. They had a healthy rivalry at first with the whole bio-engineering, alien focus, MD thing going on but it quickly worked itself out after late nights in the lab over grape soda, provided by an overly energetic blonde alien, and less than stellar food from the mess hall or from one of the poorly stocked vending machines.

"Can you get the clothes she was wearing…" She really didn't think Kara would have stayed in them, it also looked like the blonde's hair was still damp from a shower. Which was not ideal at all but they would cross that bridge when they came to it.

"Yeah." _Fuck._ "Yeah… I'll work on it. See you soon." Alex fights the churning in her stomach and the sudden urge to vomit. _This is really happening. My little sister was really raped. Fuck._ She schools her expression as she steps quietly into the exam room taking in the sight of a still very flushed Kara sitting on the table, legs dangling over the sides, feet kicking in the air. The paper gown doing Kara's sense of vulnerability no favors as Alex could pick out the goosebumps on her sister's arms. "Hey Kar. Marley is going to check you out in about 10 minutes, ok? She's just finishing up in the lab."

She walks over to the cabinet and grabs out a warm blanket to wrap around her little sister's shoulders as she sits down next to her on the exam table. Alex notices her own apprehension of looking at Kara in this increased state of vulnerability. She doesn't want to make her more exposed but even more then that she is trying to protect the careful mask she has slipped behind to help her sister out with a firm ground to stand on. Alex didn't get to freak out right now. Not when Kara needed some source of strength to lean on. "Alex, I'm scared."

"Hey, no, Kara. there's nothing to be afraid of." She habitually wraps her arm around her little sister's shoulders pulling the quivering woman into her side. The warmth of the blanket radiating through her thin shirt, her jacket forgotten in the back of her car. Kara seems to find solace, at least a little, in Alex's arms. When Kara tucks her head onto her shoulder Alex finds herself pressing a soft kiss to the top of the hero's head. She takes a moment to smell the fresh coconut shampoo in her sister's hair, before she even realizes she is doing it. "Do you want me in here?" Alex whispers only to be answered by a nod against her shoulder she feels more then she sees and an arm snaking round her torso to squeeze her close - a silent plea for her not to go anywhere. "Ok. You've had a pelvic exam before right?"

Again she feels the shake _no_ against her shoulder without seeing it and the grip grows a little tighter still around her abdomen. It's then Alex leans a little bit away from the Kryptonian to look her in the eye. She was surprised by the revaluation a little bit, she had just kind of assumed... Alex had been on top of her yearly checkups but unlike jokes she shared with some of her female friends about it Kara had never once mentioned it now that she thinks about it. And again she really isn't all that surprised either. "Kara..." She scolds before really thinking about it much. Kara really did need to do a better job of taking care of herself…

"I wasn't um.. Active.. So I thought it was fine. And it's not like I could go to a human doctor or Eliza…" Kara speaks so softly, still terrified of even the idea of a simple exam like that.. even before this... She really didn't want anyone around her … _you know …_ if they didn't have to be. Which was honestly part of what made this whole day really that much more awful.

"No, Kara. It's not a big deal. I'm sorry. It's ok." Alex rubs her sister's upper-arm still holding Kara into her side. "Really not that bad at all. Promise. This is going to be a little different though. We'll take it slow and you'll be in-control the entire time."

"Did you tell her?"

"I did. She'll be up in" Alex takes a moment to glance at her watch. The little numbers glow out at her. Ticking away the seconds to where pretending like this isn't what it is will be damn near impossible. Till her little sister will be subject to a very invasive exam that she might not fully think she needs. Alex huffs out a long breath allowing the air to puff out her cheeks as she exhales "like 5 minutes."

"This is awful." Kara pulls her knees up to her chest sitting kind of sideways on the table her head still resting on Alex's shoulder, comforted by the additional warmth and weight from the blanket and her sister's fingers combing through her hair. Kara always loved these blankets. She hated needing to be in medical but these blankets were great. They were heavy and warm and just comforting in general. Especially when she got more than one. She tries her hardest to focus on the warmth and weight and the pressure of Alex's shoulder on her cheek and her arm around her back. But she can't get rid of the feeling of being stretched wide open and honestly it is almost too much. The pull of the surly damaged tissue of her anus stealing the majority of her attention, and what's left being pulled to the throbbing a few inches toward the front. "Alex why is it like this?"

"Kara, look at me." She brushes a non-existent stray hair away from her sisters face and cups her cheek as Kara tilts her head up to catch Alex's deep brown eyes. "It is not supposed to be like this. It's not. And I am so, so sorry that it is."

She hopes that Kara really believes her. Sex wasn't supposed to go this way. It shouldn't be humiliating. It shouldn't be this painful, or painful at all really. It shouldn't be completely demoralizing like this. It shouldn't be scary. It shouldn't be like this. Not even a little bit.

Kara seems to catch on. If she was being honest though she found it hard to think that it could ever not be like this. If you had to bleed from two different places. If you had to go to the doctor. If you had to cry on your sisters shoulder for who knows how long as you processed what happened… how could that ever be pleasurable. How could anyone ever want to do that. She didn't think this level of humiliation or interference from other parties was supposed to be a marker of your first time. It wasn't supposed to be this way… It shouldn't be this way… "You think he…he..." _raped me._

Alex swallows hard, bobbing her head forward just a bit as she locks her eyes with Kara's. Meaning to fully be honest with her sister who, quite frankly, had no god damn clue she dropped her voice to a gentle whisper "Yes, I do."

Kara tucks her face back toward Alex's chest breaking the eye-contact and seeking more comfort, more safety. Alex naturally hugs her a little tighter to her chest and side. Alex thinks she's doing a pretty good job holding herself together, being strong for Kara until her sisters hardly audible whisper steals the breath from her lungs. "He isn't a …a rapist." Alex can't remember a time she's had to try that hard not to let those ever ready tears slip over her eyelids. "Alex, he's a good guy. He was so sweet and I didn't stop it. He couldn't have known. That's not his fault."

Alex loses the need to let a few salty drops slide down her cheeks then, though the heartbreak doesn't ease any, it turns more to anger. She would kill this guy if she ever met him. She would. _How could he... Damn this is so messed up_. Instead of reacting, out of fear for making it worse, she just holds Kara and takes a deep breath. She had a feeling that this was going to be a circle her sister and her got caught in for the months and weeks and days to come… _god please don't let it be years._ "A good guy would have recognized that you were drunk and nervous and shaking and hurting left it at that. He would have covered you with a blanket and taken the floor, or the other side of the couch. It was L shaped. I looked at the snap-chats from last night."

"He was drunk too." Alex resists the urge to wipe her hand over her face again at her sisters inability to admit what happened. Her inability to not blame this on herself. Kara on the other hand can't imagine blaming this on the young man. She didn't think this was worth ruining his life over. She wasn't going to let it ruin hers, and she sure as hell didn't want to let her mistake, her lack of ability to communicate, ruin his. He was a smart guy, going places and protecting people, how could she accused him of something so heinous when he likely had no idea how she felt about it. She couldn't live with herself is she turned a good man into a rapist against his will. She couldn't. She would never know though, how he felt about it. She would never see or hear of him again.

"That's not an excuse. You said you were shaking, that you tried to get away, that you...that he said not to worry and "it's not happening." You must have said something to get that response. You cried, Kara. That's no an excuse. It's not." She spoke a little firmer with her sister now. Needing desperately to get through to her as much as Kara didn't want to listen. She also couldn't just repress the bubbling anger in her chest at the piece of shit who did this to her sister. He knew. He had to have known. It's too obvious when someone isn't into something. It's really not hard to tell at all. But that was not something Alex thought would be good to bring up at the moment - how sex worked - how you sort of feed off each-other - how it's not fun unless the other person is fully into it too.

"I'm not going to ruin his life over something that just _happened_. I'm not a victim. I'm not a survivor. This isn't a #metoo thing. It's just something that happened. I put myself in that position and I did nothing to stop it. That's not his fault. It's mine and I have to live with that." _I have to live with the fact that I lost my virginity to a complete stranger when I didn't want to... when all I've ever wanted to do was wait till my wedding day. I have to live with the fact that I didn't stop it._ The hero voice makes its first appearance since the morning before when Kara blew out her powers. That's her… all honesty and integrity and personal responsibility. That's Kara... and she'd be damned if this situation, whatever it was, changed her. She wouldn't let it. She couldn't.

Alex stays silent, knowing her sister well enough to know she was still thinking and still had something to say. Hell, Alex was still trying to formulate a response to the nonsense Kara had just said. This was going to be harder than she thought. "I won't… I won't be a girl who does something she regrets and blames someone else to make myself feel better. I won't cheapen other women's experiences by doing that. I can't."

Kara mutters into Alex's shirt with more conviction than she had said anything since they had started talking about the subject. Which is at least a little bit reassuring to Alex that her baby sister wasn't breaking completely but it also really, _really_ , fucking pissed her off. _How could Kara think that was what she was doing?_ "That's what you think of girls who are raped? Are you kidding me?!" Alex knew it wasn't but for Kara to be talking about herself like that really struck a nerve in her. It was absurd.

"No! No of course not! But that's not what happened here, Alex. It's not." Kara's voice chokes off at the end as she loses conviction in the lie she is starting to feed herself more and more convincingly each time. She really didn't want this to be a thing. Maybe if it wasn't true they could just go home. She could just pretend it didn't happen. Her powers would come back and she would heal, and nothing would change. "I didn't tell him to stop. I wished it felt better. I wanted it to feel good. I was curious what someone else would feel like because I don't like how I feel when it's me. It hurt and I hated every second of it and I wanted it to stop but I didn't _do anything._ It sounds a lot to me like I just did something I'll regret for probably a long time because I wasn't thinking clearly."

Alex loosens her grip on the blonde as she sits up and away from her older sister so they are looking at each-other again over their shoulders, feet dangling off the edge of the table. "Kara, everyone is curious about it. I was, and when I would sleep with men, I didn't get into it much but it wasn't like this. Never like this."

"But…"

Alex twists on the bed now tucking the leg closest to Kara up beneath her so she can fully face her sister. "Which is worse?"

"What?"

"Which is worse? To think, to know, that you made a decision you regret and can take responsibility for or to admit that you had no control over what happened and he _violated_ you? That he took something you value so much from you without you getting a say." Kara looks away knowing the answer but not wanting to say it. Not being able to. "I know you Kara and I don't believe for a second that you would want to have sex, even drunk, with anyone aside from the person you think you will marry. And the way you can't even say the words out loud right now… before you got embarrassed and squeamish about it but now you can't even say it and I can see you trying to make yourself."

They stay quiet for a while. Alex watching Kara as she finds a very specific point on the wall to focus on as she dangles her feet. The blonde willing the tears back from where they are starting to cloud her vision. God how she wishes Alex was a liar, that she didn't believe every word that ever came out of her sister's mouth. Because she does… she trusts Alex completely… she trusts her judgement and she absolutely trusts her insight. But this is a lot to take in. She still hardly remembers last night and she really doesn't want to believe either one happened. Which one clearly did, and she really, really doesn't want to have been raped. "But this isn't your fault, Kar." Alex opens her arms again and Kara finds herself habitually allowing herself to seek out the comfort of her sister's embrace.

"It's not his either." Kara's voice remains strong through her statement. Trying to convince herself, and certainly trying to convince Alex. _What does that say about her if Supergirl of all people (aliens?) can have this happen?_ She wears a uniform. She's supposed to protect people. What does that mean if she can't even protect herself? She knows how to fight. How to defend herself. She knows how to get out of certain holds. She knows... and yet...

Alex holds her tight, she has a feeling she would be doing this a lot in the days and weeks to come, and presses her lips to the top of her sister's head. "That doesn't make it yours."

"Alex, please." She twists her head yet again to catch the eldest Danvers's deep brown eyes. Kara can feel her own starting to sting with the wetness she doesn't want to let fall. "I can't… I can't talk about this anymore." She blinks to rid her eyes from the burning only adding to her humiliation as the tears spill over yet again for the nth time today.

"Ok, ok." Alex rests her chin on the top of Kara's head as she pulls her sister impossibly close to her chest, a promise to stop the conversation for the time being. Alex liked to push, Kara knew that, but right now she really just needed something _else._ Literally anything else. "Shhhh, sh, sh, sh, I've got you. I'm sorry."

"You guys good?" Dr. Hamilton knocks on the door. Alex and Kara separate and the older sister hops off the table to take a seat near the wall. Kara quickly wipes her tears with the back of her hand and the edge of the collar of her gown. Alex gives her a quick sympathetic smile as she does, but if the blonde was being honest it really didn't do much to help her pull herself together.

Alex can't help but think _finally, took you long enough_ with a huff as she eases herself down into the chair. "Yeah, come on in Marley" finds its way out of her mouth instead. Her friend is doing her a huge favor after all… even if it is part of her job description. It's not exactly like there was many options here.

"Hey." She greets Kara with a soft smile noticing the blonde hero is quivering on the table despite the warmed blanket wrapped around her shoulders. It breaks her heart a little. "Ok, Kara, are you ok to get started?"

She swallows hard, her mind screaming _NO_ but she utters "yeah" nodding her head instead.

"Alright then." The doctor slides over to her on her little rolly stool. "Kara, this is a SAFE kit." She holds up a white box in front of her before resting it on her lap. "There about 15 steps in the process of completing the exam and the kit. You can opt out of any of the steps at any point but I really recommend doing the whole thing if you can. Don't think for a second that you aren't in complete control of what happens here, ok?" Kara nods as she considers the white box on her sister's friend's lap. "It goes from least invasive to most invasive as far as the exam goes."

"That's…. That's a rape kit isn't it?" She looks away from the doctor to her sister, knowing exactly whose idea this was. "I wasn't… he didn't… I wasn't…" her voice drops from a normal tone to a hardly audible whisper. _Alex, please. We just talked about this._

 _Damn it, Kara we've been over this._ "Kara I still think we should do the full work up." Kara looks at her older sister who's still speaking to her softly. Kara knows she's probably right but she doesn't want to think about what that means for her. She also doesn't really know how to comfort Alex or how to… the blonde doesn't even finish the thought before she stops focusing on anything in the room and just looks out into space, unsure of where her mind is going, she's called back by her sister who is now sitting down next to her on the exam bed again with a warm hand on her knee. "Kara, hey, it's ok. I just want to make sure all of our bases are covered, ok? Just in case. You don't have to know, you don't have to decide anything. I just think you could benefit from this."

"You can say no, at anytime you can say no. You're in control here." Marley reminds her again with a warm soothing voice. At this point Kara really isn't sure if it's a good thing that both the women in the room know her so well or not. There's comfort in it but then again… they both _know_ now.

"Ok, yeah. It's ok. Let's get this over with. I trust you." Kara only looks from her sister to the sweet doctor once before she tucks her hands below her thighs on the exam table with the falsest sense of conviction she's ever felt. The blanket stays draped over her shoulders. Kara focuses on the weight of it on her shoulders through the thin paper gown. She focuses on how it protects her back and weighs down on her. She doesn't think about the tight feeling in her chest, the racing of her heart, the lump forming in her throat. No she doesn't want to think about that. So she gives a short nod to the other two women and longs for this to be over before it even begins.

Dr. Hamilton gives her own nod before looking down at her clipboard and clicking her pen. _Alright, Kar. Here we go. You can do this._ "You've showered since?"

"Yeah… was I not supposed to? Lucy said it would help…" It's then that Dr. Hamilton knew there was no a shot that the former JAG knew what really happened to Kara. No way would the Associate Director tell her friend to shower if she knew. Absolutely know way. She just hoped Kara could find a way to tell Lucy what really happened. She didn't want Kara to have to hide this from her dear friend. That's a burden she's not sure even Supergirl's shoulders could carry.

"No. It's ok. I know you've already changed but do you have the clothes you were wearing?"

"What?" Kara looks to Alex wide eyes begging to know what is happening. Which doesn't really make sense to Kara either. She knew what was happening. At least she thought she did… but needing her clothes…

"Marley, can you give us a minute?"

"Yeah, take all the time you need. I'll wait in my office. Also, if you could… I need a urine and stool sample. The sooner the better for that. I'm sorry. I'll be in my office. Just come get me."

The doctor steps out of the room and Alex turns to Kara to take in her sister's flushed face, it doesn't take long for the color to completely drain from her face though. "Kara-"

"Why does she want the clothes I was wearing? Or the _samples?_ "

"For evidence. In case you want to use it later. The others are to make sure you're ok." Kara's eyes go wide and neither of the Danvers are really sure why. Kara knew what this kit was. She also had a general knowledge of how it worked from TV and stuff. Alex knew she knew. But it all seems too real… asking for clothes and stuff. "I know. Just hear me out. You don't have to do anything with it. It will sit in an evidence locker for 7 years and you never have to do anything with it. But if you want to, if you decide you want to, then it's there. I know this must be a lot to process right now but Kara…"

"7 years?" Alex nods and waits for her to ask more questions. She however was no anticipating the follow up. "Do you have to leave to go grab them?"

"No. I was thinking I could call Maggie to have her grab them. Only if you're ok with that. I'll stay here with you and we can get started on this. It's your decision, Kara. I don't want to pressure you -"

"But you really think this is something I should do."

"Yeah, I do."

"I trust you. I don't know what to do right now. I don't think it's _that_ but I trust you." The two nod at each other and Alex resists the urge to pull Kara in for another hug. Kara quickly tells Alex where the clothes are while she picks at the cooling blanket still wrapped around her shoulders.

"Ok. I'm going to step out and call Maggie, ok? You going to be ok in here for a couple of minutes?" Kara pulls the blanket tight around her as she shudders, feet still dangling off the side.

"Yeah. I'll be ok." She gives her sister the ok to involve her fiance. Maggie didn't have to know what was going on to grab her clothes. She explained to Alex where everything was. It would be easy for her to just grab the backpack. As far as Maggie had to know it would be for some clothes Kara needed to put at the DEO or something. Nothing like this…

"I love you, Kara." Alex gives yet another soft smile. Kara really appreciated the worry and the comfort from her ever "hard" older sister. However the comfort was making it really hard for her to be strong too at this point. Kara didn't want to feel vulnerable anymore. Never again.

"Love you too." Alex pauses a moment at the door to consider her sister. This was one of those times she was so damn glad the man with the cape couldn't take care of his cousin all those years ago. She really didn't know what she would do without her. Kara's expression drops from a smile meant to comfort her older sister to one of concern as she thinks further about involving her sister's fiance. "Alex?"

She pauses more than three fourths the way out of the door. "Huh?"

Kara's gaze falls the the floor just below where her feet have started kicking with a little more meaning behind them. "Are you going to tell her?"

Alex takes a long sigh as she steps back into the room closing the door softly. Kara feels bad for asking, knowing Alex must be getting a little annoyed with her juvenile neediness in this situation. She really did need to grow up… this was an adult thing she did… no need to be a little baby about it. "Not if you don't want me too, Kar. But Maggie…" She wipes her face as she watches Kara carefully. She can't even imagine what her sister must be feeling in this moment. She knows how much Kara cares about what Maggie thinks. Especially after they didn't get off to the greatest of start to their relationship. Kara now respects the crap out of Maggie and even looks up to her on a level near how much she looks up to Alex herself. So Alex knows that Kara is truly terrified of losing the cop's respect. "Maggie's not going to judge. She's not going to feel any differently about you, ok?"

"I kinda don't want anyone to know the details. It feels dirty and wrong. And just… Dr. hamilton will know, and you'll know, and J'ohn might read your mind and..."

"Kara, I'm 100% positive Maggie has heard it all. So has Marley. Them knowing will not change a thing about your relationship. Maggie's not going to think your weak. She's not going to think you're making this up. And she certainly won't think that you are not somehow damaged and dirty. Ok? This wasn't your fault, Kara. None of this is your fault."

Kara picks at the edge of the blanket as she looks up at Alex finally from where her hands play at the cooling fabric. "She's going to figure it out isn't she?"

Another smile finds its ways to crinkling Alex's cheeks as she considers her soon to be wife. Her soon to be wife who is literally one of the best detectives in the damn city… "She might have an idea but I doubt she'll know 100%."

"But she'll figure it out won't she." Kara persists with the question pretty much knowing the answer at this point. It was Maggie they were talking about after all..

"Yeah, probably." Alex chooses to be honest with her and Kara is appreciative of that at least. The blonde also realized that it might be good for Maggie to know. Not so much for herself but for Alex. She knew this was eating at her older sister and she was really going to need Maggie. Having to keep this from the woman who kept her heart would be needlessly hard on Alex and Kara didn't want to do that. Not after all Alex had done for her.

"You can tell her, if you want to, or if you need to. I trust you. I trust her… but Alex…" _I'm so scared. I don't want her to think I'm overreacting or that it's not a thing. Because I'm not really sure myself and I just… I don't know…_

"I know, Kar. I know. We're going to get through this." She says as she walks over to Kara, dropping a quick kiss on her head. She takes the now cool blanket from her sister and swaps it for a fresh toasty one. The smile actually reaches her eyes when she watches Kara run the soft material under her nose with her eyes fluttering shut at the comfort.

As soon as she is in the hall Alex quickly dials her fiance and leaves Kara to give Marley the samples. True to character Maggie picks up on the second ring. "Hey, Danvers, what's up? The alien ok?"

"Maggie-" Alex swallows as her voice cracks, her hand flying up to her mouth to cover it. Hearing Maggie's voice was all she really needed for her emotions to bubble to the surface. _Damn it, Danvers. Keep it together._

"Alex, what's wrong?"

She takes a deep breath and shoves whatever bullshit weakness was sneaking to the surface deep deep down. She speaks smooth and slow with an even tone. Maggie knew though… She could read the Agent like a damn book. This was the way Alex panicked. Cool and calm and collected. Voice so level it nearly sounded robotic. "I need you to go to Kara's apartment and grab a few things for me and bring them to the DEO."

"Alex-"

The Agent just kept talking though knowing that if she stopped to address Maggie even for a second all that emotion would come bubbling back to the surface. So the brunette just kept speaking slowly, being sure to keep her tone even. "I need you to grab the orange backpack from Kara's apartment. It should be by her door. It's bright orange with a purple design on the front, ya can't miss it."

"Alex-"

She could hear the soft worry in Maggie's own voice now, growing a little more frantic with each time she had to say her love's name. Knowing that something was very, very wrong. _Keep talking Danvers. You have to keep talking._ "Can you toss in the clothes from the top of her hamper as well? And um… try not to touch more then you have too, maybe evidence gloves would be a good idea."

"ALEX, what happened?" She'd had enough of the robot version of her fiance. She hated that version. Well not really. It was awesome and badass and really helpful in the field, and so… just awesome. But she really hated that it was directed at her, it was about Kara. She hated it because it meant that Alex was hurting beyond anything she could fathom and she was trying not to for the sake of one very important blonde.

"You're a detective, Danvers. Detect." At this point Alex defaults to defensive, knowing she couldn't tell Maggie over the phone. Not right now at least. She wasn't strong enough to say it right now. She too needed to deny it on the surface a little bit to make it through the next couple of hours. Maybe Kara wasn't so off base in her denial after all. It helped… a little…. it did... "Sorry, that wasn't fair. I'm just... Orange backpack. Clothes from the hamper. Please get here as soon as you can." _I need you._

Maggie yells into the phone knowing that the way Alex's voice inflected off the last word that she was likely already reaching to hang up. "ALEX! Alex, tell me what happened."

"I... Kara was..." _Come on Danvers, just fucking say it. Tell her. She'll help._ "Maggie, please just… I need you to do this."

"Ok… ok. I have it covered. I'll be there soon. Love you, Al. Whatever it is, we'll get through it"

"Love you too. See you soon." She hangs up the phone and slides it into it's home in her back pocket as she steps back into the room careful to keep the door as shut as she could for the sake of Kara's comfort. "Maggie is on her way with the stuff. I'm going to grab Marley."

Kara nods and Alex disappears for a couple of minutes to return with her friend. Alex takes the chair in the corner of the exam room as Dr. Hamilton sits back down in front of where Kara is perched on the table. "Alright, let's get started..." The doctor checks her out asking questions about her medical history she doesn't already know… which isn't much. Next comes a very general overview of what actually happened. Kara didn't give a lot of detail but pointed looks from Alex helped encourage her along. "I have to ask you some tough questions now. Please be honest, it will only help me help you. There is absolutely no judgement here, Kara." Kara gives her a nod looking at Alex. "When was the last time you had sex?"

The older sister watches as Kara slips behind the Supergirl mask for a moment. Keeping her face impassive and her voice even. Much like Alex had just done with Maggie. Damn it, if the Danvers sisters didn't act just like one another in the most irritating ways. "Last night was the first… it was the first."

"Ok, that's ok." Marley gives her best soft smile wishing that she could amend Kara's statement, with a blunt _"so never"_ but refraining. Kara takes comfort in her sister's friend's gentleness. Dr. Hamilton really was good at her job. The DEO was lucky to have her. Kara was lucky to have her. "Did you participate in oral sex?"

Kara swallows heavily, ironically, she notes mentally. Also she changes her mind about being lucky to have Dr. Hamilton. _Nope_ … _Did she really have to know?_ Kara knew the answer was yes but she finds strength to answer in the slip of her sister's hand into her own. Alex now standing next her and giving her hand a small squeeze as Kara lets their fingers intertwine - waffling, Alex had called it when they were kids. "Me, on him."

"Manuel stimulation?" The doctor is met with a blank look. "Fingering?" _Yep. No longer her favorite doctor_. Well that was a lie. She was just doing her job and she was being so calm and professional. Kara couldn't really hold the questions against her.

"Um, yeah… he did. It was pretty painful."

"Was anything else painful as well?" Kara nods biting down hard on her lip. Letting the skin slipped between her teeth so she chews off little pinches of the top layer letting herself taste the blood. Letting her tongue feel the difference in smoothness of the part of her lip missing freshly removed skin. "Kara?"

"Yes, it was all very painful." She kicks her feet off the edge of the table. Alex gives her hand another light squeeze encouraging her to continue. Rewarding her for her honest answers. Kara really doesn't know how she's keeping it together at this point. She's slipped behind the mask she sometimes wears as Supergirl. Though she was never really good at it at all, now she just doesn't feel anything. _So this is what it feels like to be numb. Huh_. _Not so bad._

"How were you positioned?"

"Do you really need to know that?"

"I wouldn't be asking if it wouldn't help me make sure you're ok."

"Ok… um, it was like we were spooning, he was behind me."

"Was there anal penetration?"

Kara goes red and it get much, much, warmer in the exam room very quickly but she hugs the blanket even closer around herself. She looks over to Alex and pleading for her to answer for her. But she can't. They both know that, so Kara watches the slow nod of her sister and pushes the embarrassment as far down as she can. _Dignity, Kara. You have to keep your dignity._ "Yes. I think it was an accident. That hurt the worst."

"Was there bleeding?"

"Yes, there was still blood last time I went to the bathroom about 30 min ago, then again with the uh sample..."

"Are you sore or in pain?"

"Yes, really sore. It's very uncomfortable."

"Can you describe it?"

"Throbbing, kinda sharp at moments, sensitive to the touch. I uh… it feels like I'm still being stretched open."

"Did it hurt when you passed your stool?"

"Um... yeah... it uh.. it hurt a lot."

"And it hurts vaginally as well?"

"Ye.." Kara has to take a moment to swallow past the embarrassment of these questions. Her face feeling so hot she'd imagine cooking a fried egg on it wouldn't be too hard. "Yes."

"Was lubrication used? Were you aroused?" The doctor pauses thinking that might not be the best way to word this.. "For lack of better terminology, were you wet, Kara? Even if you were that doesn't mean you were into it or wanted what was happening. It is a physiological response to certain stimuli."

"No, no extra stuff… I don't know. I don't think so? It hurt so much… um his fingers even.. they didn't feel slippery.. it just really hurt." She has to swallow hard again past the raising emotion lodging itself firmly in her throat. Needing a break from the rapid fire questions that seemed like they would never end.

"Ok, you're doing great Kara." Dr. Hamilton nods to Kara and checks on her friend from the corner of her eye. Alex hadn't so much as made a noise the entire time, aside from when she stood up to slide her hand into Kara's. The doctor stops writing down Kara's statement and move on to the next part. "I'm going to check you for bruises. Do you know of any?"

"I haven't looked."

"That's ok. We'll check it out and get you cleaned up if there's any scratches or anything. This part should be quick." She explains shortly as she starts to check Kara from tip to toe.

"You have some bruising on your neck. I'm going to take a couple of pictures. One with a ruler, two without. Ok? These are just for evidence. No one will see them. Is it tender?"

"No. Not really. I mean a little bit, maybe. My throat is kind of sore and weird feeling and when you press on it." The Doctor walks her fingers over Kara's neck and under her chin checking for tender spots.

She checks Kara's forearms and upper arms finding no evidence of bruising. She takes a wooden pick and scrapes beneath Kara's fingernails carefully placing the evidence in its proper place. She moves on to find nothing on her legs where the gown doesn't cover.

There is a little one on her knee but that could be from anything. Kara was clumsy as hell and she had no powers to protect her. Alex was truthfully a little surprised that her sister wasn't bruised like a banana after all her tripping and bumping into things she had done yesterday morning after returning from the mission.

She then takes swabs of Kara's cheeks and throat which are a little uncomfortable but Kara tells herself she can manage. _It's a glorified qtip, that's all._ "Ok, Kara. I'm going to unsnap one shoulder at a time on the gown and look at your shoulder and chest. Is that ok?"

She squeezes Alex's hand unintentionally only to be greeted by a small squeeze back from her older sister quietly reminding her that she can do this. "Yeah."

"Go ahead and lay back. Put your right arm up and kind of grab the back of your neck or head so I can take a look." Kara closes her eyes and forces herself to continue breathing as she wraps her hand around the back of her head. She feels a stretch along the side of her ribs and under arm, still slightly sore from the fight the morning before. "Good just like that." She hears the doctor stand up before she feels hands at her shoulder ready to pull the thin protective layer back to expose her. "Here come the snaps now. Good Kara. Just keep breathing."

So Kara does. She just keeps breathing and focuses on not flinching with each little pop of the plastic buttons holding the gown together at her shoulder. When that doesn't work she squeezes Alex's hand again as she berates herself. _She's literally peeling off the gown and taking a look at your chest. That's it. Quit being such a baby. How are you going to handle it when she has to examine your pelvic area…_ The gentle drag of Alex's thumb across her knuckles pulls her out of her thoughts. _Thank god for you, Alex._ "Ok and I'm going to peel the gown back."

A shiver runs through her body as the cool air hits freshly exposed skin. Kara's mind jumps to how her nipple will harden at the cold and how that might look. God she just felt so damn exposed. Dr. Hamilton didn't seem to notice anything about her body's natural reaction or seem to react to Kara's chest being out in the open at all. She just kept plugging on with a gentle kind of professionalism that Kara was beyond grateful for. "Ok, there's a little bruising. Alex can you hold the ruler for me." Kara twitches as the ruler brushes against her skin. She grounds her jaw down and focuses on the way it flexes when her teeth press together. "Agan Kara. No one will see these pictures unless you decide to move forward with an investigation. These are just for evidence."

Kara doesn't react though, just keeps her eyes closed and tries not to cry. She's thankful for the clinical-ness of this. It's comforting in a way. It feels like a little protective shield keeping her from being completely vulnerable. Kara had noticed something similar about Erin in college. Erin was an athlete and she noticed that though her friend didn't like being danced with or touched much either, she didn't mind when the trainer had her positioned very close to a seemingly intimate position to stretch out her legs. Maybe there was something to that. "Ok, good. Right there Alex.

She moves over to the next breast after taking a couple of more pictures of a bruise on Kara's shoulder. That one is a little worse for wear. It's a little irritated, akin to chafing, and slightly more defined bruises color Kara's pale skin. Photos are taken. Alex fights down the bile in her throat as she shares a look with her friend, thanking god that Kara had kept her eyes shut.

Dr. Hamilton covers her chest back up as soon as she can to expose Kara's abdomen. Luckily for Kara, at least she thinks so, there isn't any bruises. Dr. Hamilton coaches her through the next part as she takes the pads of her fingers and presses gently in a few areas following a zig zagging pattern over her abdomen. "Are you tender at all?"

Kara has to swallow again as she struggles to find her voice. "No, just a little queasy. I drank a lot last night." That's a lie. She's plenty past queasy. She could full on vomit right now at the sinking feeling churning her stomach as they get closer and closer to _that_ part of the exam.

"Ok." Kara sits up again as the doctor completes that portion of the exam. Kara tries to flash a smile at Alex who stood over her friend's shoulder watching to make sure everything got done correctly. She didn't have to. She trusted Marley with her life. Even more importantly she trusted Marley with Kara. Just watching made her feel more at ease, and her hand needed a little break. Even without her powers Kara was crushing the crap out of her knuckles. The thing is though, Alex was pretty sure that Kara didn't even know she was squeezing her hand so tight. Hell, Alex could tell that the only thing Kara was actively focusing on was breathing, it was as if if Kara didn't focus on that then she would forget how to draw air into her lungs entirely. "Go ahead and lay back, Kara. This is going to be the part that might get a little tough. We will go slow. I'll talk you through everything that I'm doing so there is no surprises. You can stop this at any time. You have all the power here, Kara. You might feel a little bit exposed but there is nothing to be embarrassed about, Ok?"

"Doesn't feel like it." she mutters under her breath. She gets set with the help of Alex and Dr. Hamilton. Maybe she should have told Alex to wait outside. She really wasn't ready for this. Not even a little bit. Her stomach was churning. She could feel her legs shaking at the thought of opening them even a little bit. Her hands were sweating profusely. She really really didn't want to do this.

Either the women don't hear her or they choose to ignore it. Kara would bet on the first one. She knew if they had she would be met with gentle reassurance that would do little to change her mind. It felt how it felt at this point. She just needed to suck it up and be an adult about this. Who cares if she was terrified at having more eyes _down there._ At having hands _down there._ At having things _inside._ "Ok, Kara, scoot down on the table." Dr. Hamilton drapes a sheet over Kara's lap though she is still covered by her gown. "Stick your feet right in those sturps." She helps guide Kara's feet by griping her ankles. With one hand she makes sure to pull the drape down so the now violently shaking hero before her isn't exposed. "Good. I'm going to check if you're down far enough so I have to lift the drape a little to check, ok?" She soothes with her voice hoping that the soft encouragement does a little to comfort the blonde. Kara can't find it in her to answer. "Kara I won't check till you are ready and give me the ok, alright? Take your time."

Kara takes a couple of breaths before she chokes out a broken ok. The rustle of paper as the drape is lifted a little bit is enough to make her squeeze her eyes shut. It's like she can _feel_ the doctor's eyes on her... each place they look. "Scoot down a little bit further. It'll feel like you might fall off the end but you won't. Good. Right there." The drape rustles again as it's dropped and Dr. Hamilton is visible again. "Ok, Kara. Good. You're doing so well. Do you need a second?" All Kara can do is nod a little bit, completely incapable of speaking for the moment.

The Kryptonian is shaking so much her teeth start to chatter. Her eyes pinched tightly shut and her breathing stopping all together as she strains against the fear quaking through her body. She lets her knees drop together as close as they can go in an attempt to protect herself and stop that god awful stretching feeling. Alex moves to stand at the side of the table, her hip leaning into the side. She leans over more and puts her hand down on the other side of Kara's body, acting as a shield between the Kryptonian and the view of her spread legs under the drape. She reaches out to stroke her thumb softly against Kara's cheek as she frames her little sister's face. "Hey, hey… Kara" She wipes an escaped tear from her sister's skin. "Hey, sis, look at me." Reluctantly Kara opens her eyes, so full of tears that the blue is nearly glowing. Damn it if that doesn't break Alex's heart and steal the breath from her lungs. "There you go, Sis. Breathe." She exaggerates her own breath so Kara can see the inhale and exhale. "I know this must make you feel vulnerable and exposed. But, it will be over soon. You're safe, Kar. I've got you. You just close your eyes or look right at me or the ceiling, whatever you need. And you keep breathing. And this will be over before you know it."

Kara nods, the paper pillowcase rustling below her golden waves. "You're doing great, Kar. I'm so damn proud of you." Alex takes a moment to bend down and kiss her sisters abnormally salty forehead. _Right, no powers means the little alien sweats now._ The older sister is also incredibly thankful for her friend in this moment. For stopping. For not making a sound or moving at all to allow Alex to talk Kara down from the panic she had started to enter.

When Alex leans back up she smiles gently at Kara and brushes her thumb along her cheek again briefly before she takes Kara's hand in her own. She doesn't move from her position between Kara's head and her legs though as if somehow it would protect her. Kara's grateful for it as she focus on Alex, her soft broken voice hardly audible as she finds herself swallowing yet again. "Is it going to hurt?" She really didn't know how much pain she could take down there, mentally, on top of everything else she was feeling.

"It shouldn't but you tell me or Marley if it does, right away, ok?" Alex gives the arm she was leaning on a break as she tucks a loose blonde curl behind Kara's ear.

Kara's eyes close again as she nods more to herself then anything. "Ok."

It's then Marly senses the end of the moment between the sisters and decides that much more waiting might be worse for Kara rather than better. "Ok, Kara. I'm going to lift the drape a bit. Is that ok."

"Y.. yeah."

As Marley gets situated the rustle of the drape sends Kara a little closer to panicking. Alex watches her chest halt and tears leak from the corners of her eyes. Marley hasn't even touched her yet... "You're ok, Kar. Breathe for me sis. Good. Breathe."

"Alright, Kara. This will be more comfortable for you if you relax you're knees." It takes a moment for Kara to fight her body's instinct to cover up, to close in on itse'f and does her best. She feels her knees fall further apart as she grows increasingly exposed. "Good, Deep breath. Kara. Relax just a little more... Good. I'm going to start the exam now, Kara. Are you ready?" When she hears a ruffling of paper, likely Kara's head against the pillow case, the doctor peeks around Kara's legs to try to see her face. "I need verbal confirmation Kara, are you ok to start?"

"Yeah." The sheet lifted up just a little more so the doctor can see better as she slides in front and shines a large light down on the patient. Kara could swear she could feel the heat from the lamp. It feels like the warm sun, maybe that will help her get her powers back so she can stop feeling so _open._ She feels the doctor's eyes as well. The cool air. So naked. SO exposed. SO so vulnerable.

"Ok, Kara. First what I'm going to do is take a comb and run it through your pubic hair." Kara feels her face flush and the lump, that seems to have taken permanent residence, in her throat grows a few sizes. "This will help collect any trace evidence. I'm going to put my hand on your thigh so there's no surprises before I use the comb."

Even with the warning the gentle hand just on the inside of her knee startles her from her thoughts and makes her jump a little bit away from the contact. She scoots for a second up the table away from the end her rear is hanging over.

Alex immediately reaches out to rest a hand on Kara's shoulder. Not holding her down but enough to still her and pull her back from her initial panic. "Easy, Kara. Easy. You're ok."

"Sorry about that." Dr. Hamilton apologizes, her hand still resting just above Kara's knee. Kara's not sure why. She didn't do anything wrong. Kara's just being jumpy and stupid for no reason. Really. Nothing for the very nice and very professional doctor to be sorry about at all. It's her that should be sorry.

"It's ok."

"Ok, here's the comb now." Kara hates the feeling of the comb running through her hair. It catches a little and pulls some of her little curls but it's over soon. She's glad she keeps it trimmed, though she wonders if Dr. Hamilton would think that because she tried to keep her hair short and neat if that meant she had wanted what happened last night. That she was prepared. Kara really hoped she didn't think that.

"Good, Kara. Next I'm going to swab around your labia. Here we go." Dr. Hamilton's hand touches the inside of her knee again and moves up to rest on her pubic bone, Kara jumps again but not as bad this time. The doctor reminds her to breathe as she holds Kara's skin open to slide the q-tip type swab through her folds.

The blonde shudders at the feeling and for some reason she finds herself opening her eyes to look at her sister. The sensation stealing what little air she did have in her lungs. Alex, keeping a careful watch on Kara's face gives her a small smile, nods and whispers soft encouragement as Marley does her work. " _Good, Kar. Keep breathing, Sis. You're ok. I've got you."_

Three quick knocks on the door steal the three women's attention. Alex turns as she still stands over Kara. Kara's head snaps so quick in that direction, Alex is a little surprised it didn't fly right off, and jerks up the table again away from the doctor seated at her feet. Marley looks to the door for a moment before continuing to deposit the evidence correctly. The door cracks just a little bit. "Hey, Danvers. Am I good to come in? I got the clothes."

Kara's eyes bug out of her head as she looks down her body through the gap between Alex's arm and body for the first time to look at how vulnerable and exposed she really is. As exposed as Kara looked.. she felt even more so. It felt so raw. She closes her jaw tight around her teeth and looks back at her sister. She partly expects Alex to invite her fiance in out of habit. She had seen Kara getting checked out plenty of times. She often sat in the corner chair and made jokes or whatever to keep Alex from murdering her sister for being an idiot. Maggie really _really_ didn't want to have to arrest her fiance… that, she supposed, might not be the best start of their life together.

Alex took in instantly how not ok Kara was with Maggie coming in at the moment so she gave her sister a small nod, for what felt like the millionth time today and turned her head toward the still slightly cracked door. "I'll be right out. Thanks Maggie. Just give me a second."

The agent is glad her fiance had the forethought to knock. Usually she just walked right in to check on both her Danvers girls. Kara when she had blown her powers or something stupid, and Alex to make sure she wasn't too hard on that damn puppy she had for a little sister. And Alex when she had done something equally as stupid or heroic and would likely be refusing medical attention because "I'm a doctor too and I'm fine, damn it." And Kara whenever Alex got hurt because that girl paced enough to walk a hole all the way to China. That or she squeezed Alex's hand so hard Maggie gets a little concerned that she might need a cast for a few weeks.

So Maggie checks on them. When it's Kara, she cracks jokes or tries to make Alex a little frustrated at her so she doesn't take it out on Kara. The kid really did try to do what she thought was right. It wasn't her fault Alex always felt so guilty or when Alex would go full on scolding mode. Though sometimes Kara deserved it. _Kryptonians man._ When it's Alex she calms Kara down first because she can get really worked up and no one needs to see that. And certainly no one needs to deal with a particularly "lets punch all the things that could have had anything to do with my sister getting hurt" super powered Alien. The two were so similar that way. Pacing. Lectures. Anger. "Punchy phase." Then just a little emotional to where they need to be held and told it would be ok, even if they weren't sure it ever would. So Maggie checks on them.

"Yeah, no problem. Take your time." Kara visibly exhales when the door clicks back shut. Marley Hamilton, bless her soul, pulls the drape back over Kara's legs and suggests they take a short break. She rolls her chair over to the corner of the room where the vanity/cabinet/shelf thing is and starts filling out what paperwork she can.

"Kar, you going to be good in here for a second while I get the clothes from Maggie?" Kara hesitates for a second trying to muster up the courage to let her sister step out the door for what probably will not be any longer than three minutes. Kara hates that she can't just say yes. How stupid was that? She hated how needy she felt but she also didn't want to be without Alex there, holding her hand, telling her it was going to be ok. "Kara, if not that's ok. It is more than fine with me, alright?" Kara nods as tears slip over her eyelids. "Ok, ok. I won't go anywhere. I've got you."

Before Alex can even ask her friend she is standing from her rolly stool and popping out of the door for a second. Knowing the sisters needed their time, and also knowing that for Kara to show that level of vulnerability, of not wanting Alex to step away even for a second, the Kryptonian really was doing a lot worse than she had showed to this point in the exam. Sure, she had been gentle with the girl but Kara was holding it together a lot better that she would be if the situation had been reversed.

When Marley steps out into the hall careful not to open the door to wide she is face to face with a somewhat surprised Detective who is dropping her arms from where they had been prepared to wrap her fiance in a hug. Because though she didn't know what was going on, Alex generally needed more hugs than she let on, and she had a really bad feeling about this in the pit of her gut. She had been a cop for a while now and when things didn't feel right, they generally weren't. "You're not Alex."

"Nope." Marley smiles at her friend's fiance. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't excited for the wedding. They were perfect for each-other for one, and both of them knew how to throw a fucking party.

"Is everything ok?" Maggie asks as she hands the bag over to the doctor. Her stomach flipping as the bad feeling grew a little at the realization of two things. Alex couldn't leave Kara's side because either she didn't want to or Kara didn't want her too. And two, that Kara needed some privacy or didn't want Maggie to see her like that. Maggie wasn't stupid, she saw the way the younger woman looked up to her. She saw the way Kara cared so much what she thought. Kara cared about what Alex thought too but it was different. Alex had seen her through it all and Kara needing Alex outweighed any need she had to not be vulnerable in front of her sister. Kara wasn't there yet with Maggie and it broke the detectives heart a little bit that the Kryptonian thought she could _ever_ think anything less of the hero. She was the kid sister she never had, and damn it, if she didn't want to help just as badly as Alex did.

The doctor's face drops and nearly confirms Maggie's suspicions. There was blood on the underwear she had found on the top of the hamper. Alex had asked her to use gloves or an evidence kit. Kara was in an exam room, apparently in an exposed position she didn't want Maggie to see even though Maggie had seen the girl at least half naked body on a hospital bed too many damn times in the last two years that she had know her. "I don't really know how to answer that. Alex told me to tell you that she will meet you back at Kara's. We shouldn't be too much longer."

"Ok. Thanks." Maggie nods as she turns to walk back to her car. "Wait, Marley."

"Yes?" The doctor stops as she reaches to open the door again.

"Thanks, for uh, thanks for taking care of them."

"Just doing my job."

"We both know that's not true." _It's so much more than that and you know it._ "Thank you."

"Any time. Maggie. I mean that." When Maggie walks away she feels a little better knowing that Alex had such a good friend and knowing that they were taken care of for the time being if Maggie couldn't be there the way she wanted too.

When Marley steps back into the room the sister's haven't moved. Alex is holding Kara's hand up to her own chest though letting the blonde feel her sister's heart beat. She knew Kara listened to her sister's heart. One time Kara had caught Alex crashing before the machines had. She imagined without her powers not hearing Alex's heart would be slightly distressing. "Hey, Kara. Can you tell me what you were wearing in this bag? I'll collect it and get everything done then we will continue. Is that ok?"

"Yes." Her eyes flit away from Alex's for a second to find the cool brown eyes of the doctors. "Yes that's fine. Um, I could tell you or you can hold it up and I can say yes or no. Whichever works."

"How bout the second one. There are bloody panties in here. Were you wearing those last night?"

"No, I put those on this morning when I changed to leave Erin's."

"Ok." Marley puts them in the evidence bag anyway. They go through the contents of the bag. A pair of nike pros. An under armor sports bra. A pair of Adidas soccer pants. An xl National City University football t-shirt. The other clothes remain in the bag and Dr. Hamilton puts it on the chair where Alex had sat briefly.

Kara's breath quickens and the shaking returns when Dr. Hamilton rolls back over and warns her that she is going to lift the drape again. Alex squeezes her hand and presses a soft kiss to the back of her knuckles."Ok, Kara." Dr. Hamilton starts. "First I need to take some photos for evidence."

Kara quickly responds that it's ok before she can talk herself out of it again. Dr. Hamilton is quick with that but the sound of the shutters flashing still set Kara on edge a little bit. She's had sex. Done anal. Why not take nudes too. Deep down, hell even on the surface, Kara knows it's not like that at all but it feels an awful lot like it.

"I'm going to use a speculum so I can check a couple of things and swab inside."

When the speculum slides into her she feels the unpleasant stretch like last night, god how it hurts. She tenses and tries her damndest not to twitch away, unsuccessful as the attempt was. "Kar," Alex whispers softly, "does it hurt." Kara nods as she squeezes her eyes shut, her breath caught in her lungs. "Marley, stop."

So Dr. Hamilton does and Kara relaxes when she no longer feels the stretch but she still can't draw air into her lungs. "Kara, there's some blood. It's ok. It's not a lot. But I'm not going to use the speculm because you have some tearing and some bruising I couldn't really see before. That's why it hurts this way." The speculm makes a small noise as it's deposited back in the sterile trey. "I'm going to stop the bleeding with some gauze first, ok here it is." She warns as she presses some gauze to Kara's opening. And Alex knew that if the bleeding had to be stopped with gauze its' significant. She appreciated Marley's attempts to keep her sister as calm as possible though. "Keep breathing Kara. You're doing so well."

No one moves really or says anything for a couple of minutes. Kara just focuses on the way Alex presses her hand to her chest. She focuses on the steady thump of her sister's heart and the gentle rise and fall of Alex's chest as she subconsciously matches her breathing. Alex knew though, she knew Kara was forgetting to breathe. She could see her chest stop moving for a little bit and the vein in her forehead pop out just enough until Alex made an exaggerated breath and gave Kara's hand a little squeeze, reminding Kara that her body needed some air.

Dr. Hamilton removes the gauze and rips something paper open as she asks the next question. It's some what of an attempt to distract Kara from the imidiate actions of the exam and also just to clarify pieces she hadn't picked up on explicitly during their initial conversation. "Did he use a condom?"

"No I don't think so."

"Ok. Did he ejaculate?"

"Oh, God." Kara's voice breaks as she starts to think. "Oh, god… I don't… I don't know."

"Kara, hey, Kara, look up at me, sis." Alex continues to Kara's hand over the flat of her chest. The blue eyes appear from where they were hidden behind tightly shut eyelids. "There you are. Keep breathing. In." _One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two._ "Out." _One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two._ They go one for a minute or so. Kara feels her heart settle down from where it had threatened to beat right out of her chest. "Atta girl.

"Kara, I'm going to swab to you check for DNA, ok? Three swabs, that's it. I'll insert the swab, then I'll have to move it around some to get a sample. It's not much. I'll be quick and this shouldn't hurt at all. You ready?"

"Ok." She nods against the crinkling paper pillowcase again. Her breath hitches when she feels the gloved hand slide down her thigh to its destination on her ready to guide the first swab into her. _Into her._ "Wait. Wait!" She yelps out as she feels the first press of the pressure from both Dr. Hamilton's fingers disappear as Kara tries to calm herself back down. "I can't… I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Alex, please."

Kara is nearly sobbing. No tears and no snot filled breaths. None of that. But it feels an awful lot like she's sobbing. "Shhh, Kar. I know. I know. You can do this."

"I can't." She tries to sit up but she's a little sore from the fight still and the way she's positioned is a little awkward and it's really only a half-assed attempt anyway. "Alex. I can't."

"You can. I know you can. I know it's scary. And you're embarrassed and you feel so weak and exposed and dirty and violated and vulnerable right now. I know, Kar, but you are none of those things. You are so strong, and good, and pure, Kara. You can do this. It'll be over before you know it. This will all be over soon. Just squeeze my hand, Kara. Focus on me, ok? I've got you. You can do this."

"Alex." Kara shakes her head against the pillow somehow damming back the tears from falling. Alex can't help but be proud of her sister in this moment. She's the strongest person Alex knows. Alien or not. Here she is, scared out of her mind for a whole host of reasons, and here she is fighting not to be. Fighting to stay calm and do what she has to even though everything, _everything,_ in her young body is screaming at her not to. Kara might not see it that way, but Alex sure as hell does.

"You can do this. Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"You can do this."

"Ok." Kara mutters and nods her head back into the pillow surrendering over to her sister. She trusted Alex with her life. With everything. And she would trust her with this too. "Ok."

Alex shifts her head to look at her friend patiently waiting with her gloved hands resting mid air as to not contaminate anything. She gives a short not and catches her friends sympathetic smile. "Go head Marley." Kara tries not to flinch when she feels Dr. Hamilton's hand back on her. "Just focus on me, Kar. Here we go."

"Alright, Kara, here's the first one." Kara exhales as she feels the pressure against her opening, trying not to panic at the slight popping sensation as it enters her. " _One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six."_ The doctor counts slow and drawn out, similar to how one counts down a shot or something painful for a younger child.At the end of the count the swab sides out of her and it's a lot easier to breathe again. "And the second one." Kara drowns out her counting but she appreciated the gesture. She tries to breathe. _This isn't so bad, right?_ She can totally do this. "And last one." A few seconds later Kara feels the slight tickle as the swab sides out. The plastic evidence case closes shut around the swabs as Dr. Hamilton deposits them in the proper bag.

"One last thing Kara. Lay on your left side. I'm going to examine your anus and rectum. I think that's where most the blood was coming from. There is some tearing and bruising there as well from what I could see but I'd like to take a better look."

"Oh… um ok." She does as she's told and rolls over toward Alex who's half sitting on the bed with her. The way she has to curl to go where Dr. Hamilton needs her practically wraps her around her sister. Kara tilts her head to look up at Alex.

Alex stops her little sister from saying whatever it was she was going to. "You can do this, Kar. She just needs to check to see if you're ok or if you need some treatment. It will be quick. It won't hurt. Just a couple of swabs and a visual check. That's it."

"Ok." Kara relaxes knowing that nothing wider than a q-tip will be stretching her open. She really doesn't think she could handle that. God she loves Alex for having the degree to be able to explain it to her before she could even ask. Dr. Hamilton was doing that a lot but hearing this come from Alex was a little more comforting and somewhat less embarrassing.

Dr. Hamilton warns her as she opens the gown and exposes Kara's backside. She warns her as she separates Kara's butt cheeks. Kara has to squeeze her eyes shut again as she fights the bile rising up in her throat. This. This is how it felt last night. She didn't want to remember that ever again. "You're ok. Kar." Alex soothes and rubs a soft hand over Kara's shoulders and upper back. "You're ok." Dr. Hamilton warns again before she slides a swab around the exterior causing Kara to twitch and tense on instinct. The doctor gives her another second to recover and another warning just before she presses the next two swabs into Kara. The blonde yelps and clings closer to Alex as the swabs sting against her raw flesh. No way should something as little as a swab hurt as bad as that had. There's more noise from the camera.

Kara can't hear or see anything at that point she just lets the tears run down her face as Dr. Hamilton covers her back up. She thinks she hears the doctor step out but she really can't be sure. She really doesn't know hoe much time goes by before she breaks the silence with a raspy voice. "She'll have it for seven years?"

"The DEO will, yeah." Alex confirms. She thinks she can feel Alex brush a tear away from her cheek but she still feels numb so she really can't tell.

"But those are my favorite sweatpants." And Kara really doesn't know why but that makes her so sad. A sob bubbles out of her throat at the realization that she's lost her favorite sleep clothes for ever. Hell, it wasn't that. They both knew it wasn't that, but crying over sweatpants felt so much less painful then crying about having a doctor check her out for injuries to her most private places. At least, Kara thinks, at least everything feels numb.

She does, however, feel Alex pull her up and into a tight, tight hug. Her sister making sure Kara's back was covered as she cradled Kara's head to her chest. "We'll get you some new ones, ok?" And Kara doesn't know why it's Alex's promise to replace her sweats that breaks her, but it does. She knew Alex knew that it wasn't about the sweats, not really. Alex shifts her to hold her even closer somehow, her arm firm over her back while the other holds the back of Kara's head into her shoulder. It's only then Kara realizes just how hard she is sobbing into Alex's shirt. That she was hyperventilating and ruining her sister's shirt with snot and tears and probably some drool too. "Shhhhh sis. I've got you Breathe. You did so good, Kar. It's over. It's over."

She's really not sure how long it is until she finally finds herself relax into her sister. "Alex this is so humiliating." She sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her wrist before Alex is handing her a Kleenex. Another noise on the door makes Kara pull herself back together with such efficiency it really, _really,_ concerns the older sister.

It's Dr. Hamilton. Kara watches as she gives Alex a small comforting smile before she addresses the Kryptonian. "Alright, Kara. You have some slight bruising and tearing but there isn't much we can do to treat that. You don't need stitches. There was one that is borderline though so keep an eye on the bleeding. I don't want to put you through stitches when it's not absolutely necessary. You're going to be pretty sore for a couple of days or till your powers come back." Kara nods in understanding as Dr. Hamilton explains that ice will help, and taking it easy for a couple of days, and tells her some ways to relax. Lord knew Kara needed that advice, she sucked at relaxing when she was hurt. "If anything else comes up give me a call and we'll see what we can do. You're going to get through this Kara." And with that it's just the Danvers sisters again.

Alex takes a second to check on Kara before sliding into the hall way after her friend to offer a thank you and ask for anything else on the more medical side, not lamen terms, so she can have a better picture of what all went on. After a short chat and a walk down to the closed pharmacy at the end of the hall Alex is grabbing a bottle of pills from the doctor. The older sister has to take a moment before she steps back in to collect herself. She never thought she'd be here. In this position. Not for Kara. And damn it if she didn't wish to everything that it would have happened to her instead. It was her job to protect her sister and here she was dealing with one of the worst things anyone could ever have to go through. After she collects her self and allows a couple of tears to slip over her eyelashes she steps back in to hear Kara softly ask, "Can we go home now, please."

Alex tucks the pills into Kara's backpack, she's not quite sure she will ever see the same again, and smiles at her sister. "Yeah sis let's go home."

The car ride is quiet, both sisters completely drained from the past couple of hours. Much to Alex's relief Kara's eyes flutter shut in the passenger's seat nearly the second they are turning onto the street from the DEO parking lot.

When they walk into Kara's apartment they're greeted by a smiling Maggie. She walks up to Alex first and gives her a quick kiss and a "hey, babe" that nearly makes Alex melt through the floor in a puddle of emotion, and Kara smiles, actually smiles at her sister's happiness. "I've started some enchiladas in the oven. I kinda figured tonight wasn't a pizza and pot-stickers kind of night."

Maggie knew that Kara had her favorite foods but she also knew that she never really wanted to eat her favorites when she was really upset. At least, Maggie never wanted to. It might ruin the favorites. And if she was particularly emotional she felt sick to her stomach and wouldn't want to even look at food. However, Maggie knew that Kara would need to eat something, and she had seemed to like her enchiladas in the past… so there it was. Also there was just something comforting about home cooked food. It was good for the soul.

Kara gave her a soft smile and said a really sad thank you as she went back to her room. Alex watching her go with concerned eyes, asking where she was going. "Just to shower. I'll be out soon. I'm ok."

Maggie seriously doubted that. Especially if her suspicions were anywhere close to being true. But Kara was trying. Maggie would give her that.

Alex huffed out a sad breath as her sister walked away. Kara had showered probably three and a half hours ago. She was perfectly clean, but Alex really can't blame her. She'd probably need another shower too.

Alex turns to Maggie who is standing close to her back. She takes in the soft eyes of her fiance and steps back, a hand up between them, warning Maggie not to hug her just yet. They had somethings to talk about and if Maggie hugged her Alex would be a mess, and not just on the inside like she had felt all day. "I, I need you to be a cop right now." _I need you to be level-headed and pragmatic because if you're not then I won't be and if I'm not then Kara's going to lose it._

"Babe, I'm always a cop." She chuckles lightly trying to ease the tension in her fiance. She knew what Alex was really asking though but she continued on anyway. That was a thing they did for each other, pretend to actually be talking about what they were talking about when they both knew it was a little deeper than that. "Off duty doesn't mean my badge just disappears. You know that." She really did know what Alex was asking. She was asking Maggie to not be emotional about whatever it was that was wrong. Not yet at least.

"Maggie, please." _No teasing today. No jumping around the topic. I can't… I can't do that right now._

"Ok. Ok." Maggie runs her hands over Alex's upper arms as she crosses her arms over her chest. Alex only does that when she's feeling two different ways. 1. Weak and vulnerable. 2. Bored and annoyed. Maggie was willing to but every dollar ever created that it was probably not going to be the second one.

"I need you to be a cop right now and I need you to tell me what to do. But I'm also calling shelf."

Maggie laughs lightly at that at that. Shelf was a thing that her old chief had told them. He, a cop obviously, and his wife, the DA had come up with the "shelf" rule. When they needed advice without the consequences of their jobs, or the rules that they had to follow, or they just needed a break from their life they could call shelf and metaphorically place their badges/jobs on a shelf for later. No questions asked. He had told them to do that, suggested it at least. He claimed that is one of the things that kept their marriage working all these years when their jobs would create tensions nothing else could. He knew Maggie, a cop, and Alex, a fed or whatever the hell she was, would need the same thing. "Ok, shelf."

They had only called shelf one other time. Kara was hurt. Alex was pissed. Maggie had the collar. Alex was more pissed. Maggie wouldn't let her in the interrogation room. Alex was _really_ pissed. They went home. Maggie called shelf. Simple as that. Alex was just a worried sister, Maggie was just her fiance. No more fighting over jurisdiction or due process. It just stopped. Maggie wasn't naive enough to think that it could always work like that but it was worth a shot.

Alex takes a deep breath and seeks out Maggie's eyes. Maggie slowly drops her hands from where they have been resting on her arms. She could see Alex trying to summon her inner bad ass agent and she knew that it was hard for do that when Maggie was actively comforting her. Alex chews the inside of her lower lip for a moment, yet another mannerism she shares with her sister. "Kara was… Last night Kara…"

"Breathe, Al. Just tell me." _You don't need to be super badass agent right now. I don't care how emotional you get. I don't care if you cry on my shoulder for hours. Just tell me._

"Last night Kara laid down to sleep on a couch with someone. They were both drunk. I think she was a little bit ok with some of the things that happened. That being said, it was not a good experience for her. Maggie, it's bad. He didn't get consent, and Kara doesn't remember saying no and she couldn't stay stop she was too confused and scared too. She's beating herself up. Maggie if you listen to her talk about it though it's so clear what happened… She was waiting and has always been very squeamish about that stuff and I don't believe for a second she would have wanted that, even drunk. She told me she didn't herself but she's… she's partially denying it happened but she's also acting like she knows deep down what it was and she's blaming this all on herself… and I just… I don't know what to do."

"She…" Maggie swallows hard as she understands what her fiance is telling her. "Kara was raped? Is that what you're telling me?" Alex nods, tears brimming in her eyes reminding Maggie that she had to be a cop right now. She could be Alex's fiance and Kara's sister in a couple of minutes. "Ok. That's why you guys were at the DEO so long and that's why you needed the clothes." Another nod. "Did she shower before…" Another nod. "Ok. Well you already know this but their probably won't be much evidence they got after the shower. I also don't know how viable the clothes will be as evidence now considering they got removed and have been in a couple of different bags. Does she know her options?"

Alex starts pacing at that point. Using her hands to talk more so than normal. She does that when she's really upset. Her military/DEO training had it mostly out of her but old habits… "Yeah. I've talked about them with her but she's also sat through about 20 trainings on it a year. It seems excessive. Really we all complain about it. Even us who think it's good. It's just so much training. Then this happens and it seems like I've almost forgotten it all. I had to look up the specifics of it-"

"Woah, Al. Breathe. Her options?"

"Yeah, Yeah. Sorry. It's just … sorry."

"It's ok, Al."

She stops pacing much to Maggie's comfort. She never liked that thing they did, Alex and Kara. It made her so much more on edge. But still, she caught herself doing the same thing now. Damn Danvers. Alex waves her hand as she takes a breath to calm herself. Maggie always awed by that as well, Alex's ability to pull herself out of a spiral. For Maggie, it felt like she never could. "Unrestricted, restricted, nothing. I explained them to her again but-"

"What does Kara want to do?" Maggie was vaguely familiar with DOD processes. She'd dated a girl once who was a marine. She had complained about the same trainings. Until she'd actually needed them too. _God, damn that 1 in 4 bull shit. Fucking unacceptable._

"She doesn't want to do anything right now. She isn't even close to a place where she can even consider her still won't even really consider what it was. We got into a fight about it before Marley checked her out. She doesn't want to call it rape because he was nice to her and she doesn't want to be the girl who claims rape because she got drunk and did something she'll regret. "

"That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard." Alex watches as she sees the fiery part of Maggie emerge. So far she had been composed and just listened. Just like Alex had asked. Like Alex had needed. Alex got the outburst. She did. Hell she was thinking the same thing but Kara… Kara couldn't hear them like that. Alex feared that would do more harm than good right now. All she had to do though was stop waiting her hands and turn to completely face her fiance. Getting lost in those dark, beautiful eyes, that always reminded Alex a little bit of her favorite dark roast coffee with just a splash of cream. One look from Alex though and Maggie backtracked. Nodding, she ran a hand over the bridge of her nose and let them rest at her hips. "Sorry. Sorry. Ok. Who all knows?"

"You, me, Marley. I think Lucy knows something because she's apparently the one who told her to shower but if she told her that then I don't think she knows the whole story."

"Yeah, probably a safe bet." Lucy was a fucking lawyer. Of course she wouldn't have told Kara to shower. No matter how crazy her personal life had gotten. That was a conversation for a different day though. Alex and Maggie were both worried about their friend but the Kara situation was just a little more important at the moment. Not only was Lucy a lawyer though, she was the director of a law enforcement/defense agency. Of course she knew not to fucking shower.

"Alex… Cop me has to…" Legally Maggie knew she had to report this. She was pretty sure Alex had to also, being in Kara's direct chain of command, however vague Supergirl's chain of command worked at the DEO. She was pretty sure Deputy Director outweighed the cape, regardless if Alex ever made that known to her sister or not. No, Maggie thought, that game of rock-paper-rank, however entertaining it might be, would not be pretty. "I know you called shelf but..."

"I know. I know. I do too. I'm in her chain of command at the DEO … So is Lucy. I don't want to take this out of her hands because everyone who loves her is in law enforcement. Please. I know I asked you to be a cop right now but Maggie I also need you to be my fiance who looks out for my little sister and ignores protocol. She will never forgive us if we..."

Alex's voice broke a little, just enough for Maggie to catch it. "Shit. I know." Maggie steps forward close enough to wrap her arms around her absolute favorite person in the world, wanting to hold her so badly in the moment but also feeling the weight of it pressing on her emotions too. "Al?" She drops her voice to a soft whisper, not trusting it to not break either.

"Hm?" Those warm hazelnut eyes look up from the spot on the floor they'd been studying as Alex got lost in thoughts about what the right thing to do here was.

"Can I not be a cop right now?" Her nod is quiet and her eyes tear-filled. They haven't yet spilled over but Maggie could see just how close they were. She'd seen Alex cry maybe, _maybe_ , five times. When she'd broken her heart. When Jeremiah went AWOL. When Jeremiah died. When Kara'd gone a little crazy on red Kryptonite. And now.

Alex steps toward her though and lets Maggie wrap her in a hug. Maggie needed someone to hold, and Alex was aching to be wrapped in someone's arms. The taller woman ducks he head to rest in the crook of Maggie's neck as she takes a shaky breath. Maggie kisses the top of her head before she whispers "How is she doing?"

"Maggie, she's terrified." Alex steps away from the hug, Maggie lets her. She'll get more hugs later. "She didn't let go of my hand the entire exam. She couldn't stop shaking. When we talked earlier she cried in my arms for… god I don't even know how long. She doesn't want to talk about it. She can't say it out loud. Everything about this situation makes it so obvious what it was but she can't… she won't see it. What do I do? Tell me what to do."

That's it. Alex Danvers is collapsing forward the full weight of what's happened to her little sister, the light of the fucking world, hit her. Her sobs are silent but still there. Maggie lowers them to the floor as she holds Alex. "Shhhh, shhh, Al. I've got ya." She repeats the Danvers' family mantra. She can't help but run a hand over Alex's soft hair before chasing it with a short kiss.

She leans the hurting sister away from her so she can look her in the eye to help this sink in. " _We_ are going to be here for her. Whatever she needs. We listen. We giver her a shoulder to cry on. We give her time and patience. We hold her close. We watch her back. That's all we can do right now. She will realize what it was eventually and admit it to herself and when she does we believe her, we tell her to believe herself, and we help her get through whatever feelings come up or whatever symptoms come up. Most of all we make sure she knows that she is loved. So. So. Loved. We can do that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. We can do that." She sniffles as she sits up, the oven going off in the background.

"Damn right we can, Danvers." Maggie pulls her back in for another embrace. Making sure to squish Alex just a little. She knew her fiance loved it. Hell she'd grown up with Kara's hugs.

"Maggie, Kara'll kill you if you burn the food."

"Good point." She chuckles and helps Alex from the floor. Walking over to the oven she slides the oven mits she had placed on the counter over her hands. She bends over the oven to pull the enchiladas out and slides them over the stove greats. "You know." She leans over the kitchen island across from where Alex had taken a seat and smacks her fiance's finger away from the piping hot cheesy Mexican goodness that is her grandmother's enchiladas recipe. "You called me Detective Danvers earlier."

"What? When?"

"When you called me."

Alex remembers now, _You're a detective Danvers, detect._ "I'm sorry, Maggie I snapped. You didn't deserve that. I know we haven't talked about the whole name thi-"

Maggie leans forward a little bit further and kissing the rambling woman before her. "Danvers, as much as I enjoy your rambling. And I do. It's the fucking cutest thing ever." Alex, true to character gives her a pout, trying to say _I'm not cute_ and entirely proving the opposite of what she wanted. "Maybe other than that pout… but there's no need. I loved it. When you hung up and I realized that you'd thrown my words back at me from the first time we'd met, you just changed the comma placement a little… I loved it."

"You did?"

"I did." She smiles giving Alex another kiss as she slid around the table. "I absolutely did. I know we haven't talked about the name thing yet but… I'd love to take your name, Al." She pulls her in for another kiss. "Detective Danvers has a nice ring to it don't you think? Not that I'd mind Agent Sawyer. But I love your family Al. I love you. "Sawyer" doesn't mean much to me. I know I've made a name for myself here, but so have you. And I just really, really, like the idea of being a Danvers. Besides, I really, _really_ , want to hear you say "damn Danvers" all breathy and soft and just… I'd love to take your name."

Alex kisses her this time deep and slow and emotional. "Gross. You guys wanna maybe not make out in my kitchen?" Kara emerges after a fucking long ass shower, if Alex had anything to say about it but she supposed today of all days she could let it slide. "I mean I'm going to spoil the crap out my nieces and nephews but no baby making in my kitchen. Please. I eat there. Or my apartment."

Maggie just laughs and separates herself from her fiance to make the hangry but smiling Kryptonian a plate. "Go grab your spot on the couch, Danvers 2. I'm feeling some Glee."

"You got it, Danvers 1.5." She shoots with a wink, taking her plate and quickly settling into the couch.

Maggie balks a little at that. Alex just drops her head to her hands that are resting on top of the counter. "Ughhh. She totally heard that whole thing."

"Yep!" Kara calls from the other room before the other two women join her on the couch. "Totally heard the whole thing. It was so sappy and cute and I may or may not have taken a video. You know, maid of honor duties and all..."

"Kara I swear to all that is good an holy if that video ever…." Alex starts to turn to play choke her sister but decides against it and goes with a very convincing verbal threat instead.

"Relax. Alex. She's teasing you." Maggie wraps her arms around the feisty agent from behind and lets them both fall back into the couch. Pulling a really laugh from Kara. God Alex hadn't realized how much she'd needed to hear that. "Your DEO rookies will never see just how much of a softy you are."

"Promise?" Alex turns in her arms to give her a "threatening" look with a tilted head and a coked eyebrow.

"No. You're totally gonna cry like a baby at the wedding." Maggie places a soft kiss on Alex's pouting lips and tilts them both back upright, feeling the pull of her core muscles at the effort. "Susan is totally going to take a video, or Marley. Hell, maybe even Win. Probably Win."

"I'll kill them all."

"Sure, Danvers. Keep telling yourself that."

"Kara, help me out here."

"Not a chance." She gives Maggie a high five and Alex feels truly betrayed. She crosses her arms and pouts as she sinks back into Maggie, her plate of food resting on her chest as she eats at the weirdest angle ever. Maggie rests her own plate on Alex's stomach and eats slowly as the three watch some of the first season of Glee. Maggie had never watched it. Kara insisted. So here they were. Sister bonding. This time with Kara's actual sister.

All seemed right in the world, if only for a moment. Alex eventually fell asleep against Maggie and Kara just stared at the TV. "Thanks for making me watch this. It's actually not too bad."

She watches as the half smile pops onto Kara's face. It's so sad in the light from the tv illuminating the room. "Yeah. I told you you'd like it."

"Don't gloat." She teases trying to get that smile back to full mega watt strength. No dice.

"You know, don't you." Kara's voice drops below a whisper. Sometimes Maggie wonders how Alex can hear Kara when she speaks that softly. She gets it now. She might not be able to hear the words well but she feels them like a knife to her chest at the way Kara utters them, all soft and vulnerable and broken.

When she turns to face Maggie the detective catches the shimmering of a tear as it drops over her eyelid. She quickly moves Alex off her and lays her back against the couch, not even worried about waking her. That girl slept like she was dead once she was out. No worries there.

Maggie sits down next to Kara, pushing Alex's legs out of the way - she'd live - "Yeah. Yeah, Little Danvers. I know."

Kara looks up at her and damn it if Maggie didn't see a kicked puppy. So broken and falling apart and trying so hard not too. "Did you figure it out?"

"I had a suspicion, but Alex told me when you were in the shower." She speaks softly, her police training serving her well as she speaks with a victim - a survivor - her sister-in-law.

"You're not looking at me any different." Kara's whispering drops again. Her voice sounds a little strained as emotion gets caught in her throat. The tears feel hot in her eyes but Kara doesn't want the relief to the burning to come from them falling down her cheeks. Maggie already knows, but dang it, she really didn't want Maggie to see her cry. Because then, then she'd really lose all of her respect and Kara really couldn't deal with that right now.

At first Maggie doesn't get it. Is that what Kara wanted? Kara looks at her though and those big blue eyes plead with her for something neither one of them really understand. It hits her then. Kara expected her to look at her differently. Like she was another victim Maggie had to handle. Had to deal with. Like she was broken, and tainted, and dirty, and vile and disgusting and all of those words she was not.

"No, Little Danvers, of course not." Her voice drops just as quiet as Kara's was as her heart breaks and Maggie's own emotion gets caught in her throat. She says it so simply and so easily like it was never even a question at all and as soon as those words had left her mouth something in the young Kryptonian had broken, but in the best way possible. Kara let those hot tears roll down her cheeks, the burning in her eyes replaced by the burning on her cheeks and an entirely different kind of burning in her throat and lungs. Maggie wastes no time, opening her arms and letting Kara fall into them. She leans back, her short legs just long enough to rest her heels on the coffee table. A different time, maybe Kara would tease her about that, but not now. "Of course not."

This was it. Kara was trusting her. Kara was trusting her enough to be vulnerable. Trusting Maggie enough to let her see she wasn't ok, and trusting Maggie to not think any less of her. This was it. And Maggie felt so damn _honored,_ so _privileged._ To be trusted like that.

Kara lays her head on Maggie's lap and curls into her. Not sobbing. Kara doesn't have any more of that in her tonight, but letting those, oh so hot, tears run down her cheeks and dampen Maggie's shirt and jeans. Maggie just runs her hands through those blonde locks and gives her a moment. Alex loved when Maggie ran her fingers over her scalp. She just hoped that Kara did too. They were similar enough she probably did, but still.

"This doesn't change a thing, Little Danvers." Maggie continues to run her hands through Kara's hair. Kara starts to feel her eyelids grow heavy, the exhaustion from the day finally starting to claim her. "You, Kara Danvers, are so damn strong. I admire you. I respect the crap out of you, even when you go all super-hero-don't-need-no-law or whatever it is that you do on my crime scenes sometimes but I love you. And I respect you. And I will never, never think less of you. Maybe someday if you go a little to far, but I don't see that happening. Alex worries me more with that. You're too pure hearted and it's not just some act for you. I see that. Everyone sees that. So I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are not weak and I certainly am not going to look at you any differently."

She stops stroking Kara's hair so Kara turns her head up and away from where it was buried in Maggie's stomach from where it rested on her lap. She really wants her to keep going but she has a feeling Maggie's about to say something really important. Kara shuts her eyes just for a second as Maggie brushes away a tear with the back of her knuckles before she looks back into those caring eyes that somehow seem to see everything. Every hurt. Every pain. And know exactly what to do. Maggie's wise like that. Alex was too, a lot of the times, but Kara also knew her sister and knew that Alex was often more lost then she let on. She knew how much her sister struggled with "impostor syndrome." They'd talked about it plenty, but Maggie… not that Maggie didn't have her baggage but she just knew how to care. And she knew how to comfort, each individual she was close enough to get to comfort because she paid attention. She saw everything.

"But please forgive me if I want to hug you a little more often or if I check in and when I push when you lie to me. You're the kid sister I never had and I'm going to worry about how you're doing and I'm going to hold you when you need it and I'm going to push you when say you're ok when your not and when you doubt yourself. And I'm going to love you always. I might mess up and be a little annoying or hard on you. But I will never, never, look at you differently. That I can promise."

Kara isn't surprised at all when Maggie kisses her forehead pulls her up on top of her as Maggie lays back against Alex. Her older sister wrapping her arms around both of them in her sleep. Kara lets out a watery chuckle at her sleeping sister's tendency to snuggle. Kara has no room to talk though because she tucks the side of her face into Maggie's chest and just lets the small woman soothe her to sleep with gentle fingers in her hair.

Sandwiched between both sleeping Danvers Maggie presses another kiss to the blonde locks tickling the under side of her chin and makes a promise she knows she can't keep but God sure as hell better or he's going to have one really pissed off detective to deal with. "Everything's going to be ok, Kara."

When Alex squeezes her a little tighter and kisses her on the temple where Maggie's own head rests against her fiance's exceptionally bony collar bone. Maggie feels a gentle "thank you" against the rim of her ear as Alex whispers to her, really not wanting to wake Kara for the second time today.

She turns her head slightly sideways so her forehead can feel the warmth of Alex's jaw. "Go back to sleep Danvers. It's not polite to eavesdrop." Maggie whispers with absolutely no real malice behind her words. She can feel her cheeks pull back into that dimpled smile Alex loves so much. And part of her is glad that Alex heard what she had said to Kara. Because maybe, Alex wouldn't feel like she had to protect Kara on her own any more, and maybe she could shoulder a little bit of that burden. But she also knew that Alex wanted someone to love Kara as much as she did and see her for her not just the cape or the glasses.

So yeah, maybe Maggie was right. Maybe everything would be ok.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**

 **Hey guys. Here's the next one! Sorry it's a day late.**

 **The chapter covers some more of Kara's recovery in the immediate time of what happened. It's mostly her and Alex and some of Maggie. Lots of Sanvers in this chapter if you like that ship.**

 **As always, thanks for the feedback on the last couple of chapters. They really make my day and make it worth sharing the story. Hope ya'll had a good thanksgiving. I know sometimes the holiday season can get a little tough. Hang in there if it is.**

 **Anyway, keep reviewing, keep reading and enjoy.**

* * *

"I'm going to kill him. Maggie I will find this boy and rip his heart out." Alex scrubs at her face as she watches Kara sleep on the couch. She's honestly a little bit impressed with herself that she didn't make that assertion earlier. That her first instinct was to make sure Kara was ok and taken care of not to be angry and want to rip this boy to shreds with every fiber of her being. Because now that she's thought about it a little bit without having Kara to take care of that's exactly what she wants to do.

"Oh, I know, Danvers. Believe me I know. I had to try so hard yesterday not to be angry at what was happening." Alex raises an eyebrow at her fiance. She had half expected Maggie to shoot her down. Hell she kind of needs Maggie to shut that down. "But two things. Don't do it because as much as I want to see you in handcuffs. That's not the way. And two… Kara doesn't need to have to calm the two of us down right now. So you can be angry around me. God knows I'll be angry around you. But we aren't putting that on Kara. It's not going to help."

Completely missing the innuendo Maggie tried to sneak in the eldest Danvers just shakes her head. Honestly it's probably for the best that she missed it. Maggie really didn't need to be dealing with a flustered Alex at the moment. This was supposed to be a serious talk. Though Maggie would admit that she enjoyed sneaking those things into conversation with her fiance because as naive and oblivious and Alex said that Kara was Alex missed a lot, and Maggie meant _a lot_ of those things she said. It'd become a game for her at this point. "You're right. I hate that you're right." Alex glances toward where Kara is still fast asleep on her couch from where the two are standing by the coffee pot in their kitchen. "It'd be so easy Maggie…"

"Alex," Maggie pushes a steaming mug of coffee mixed with hot chocolate into her fiance's hands, "no." She tries to smile at the short haired woman. _God she rocks that look._ As much as she wanted to conspire with Alex to make this kid disappear she couldn't let her mind go there. That didn't mean she wouldn't be tracking him down and keeping a very careful eye on him.

"I should wake her up to take these shouldn't I?" The older sister sighs. She grabs the pill bottles that Marley had handed her yesterday as her and Kara left the DEO and shows them to Maggie. She probably really should have had Kara start taking them yesterday but in all honesty she forgot once they got back to the apartment. Alex hadn't meant to fall asleep on the couch but she was exhausted and it wasn't exactly like her and Maggie had slept a whole lot the night before.

The detective takes a seat at the kitchen counter and takes a slow drink of her coffee. Maggie likes to pretend she drinks it black but she likes it with honey and some butter. Alex was floored when she first found out. While Maggie savors the taste of her little morning blend she brings her focus back to what's important. "Well you're the doctor, Danvers." She gives a warm smile, sure to flash those dimples everyone always raved about but when Alex was less than amused she put the cup down and reached for Alex's hand that was growing tighter and tighter around the orange bottles. Maggie put the bottles on the counter as she slid her hand into Alex's palm to give it a gentle squeeze. "You probably should."

"Ok. Do you have to go in today?" She asked, hesitating for just another moment before she had to wake Kara.

"Nope. Already called in for a couple of personal days. You two are stuck with me." The detective raises Alex's knuckles to place a gentle kiss on them through her dimpled smile. Even if the two just wanted sister time or even if Kara wanted to go back to work at CatCo she figured her and Alex could use the day anyway. They had about 10 years worth of vacations stacked up at least. "Quit stalling, babe."

If Alex's bangs had been any longer the small huff she let out would have blown them off of her forehead for sure. "Fine." Alex places her mug down and turns to walk toward their living room only to pause again and meet her eyes with Maggie's.

True to herself Maggie tilts her head just a little to the side. "What is it Danvers?"

"She's going to still be pretty sore at the very least, maybe in some serious pain. You saw her last night, she could hardly walk normally and there was still some blood on the towel she used last night when I threw it in the wash this morning. Can you run to the store and grab some stuff for her?"

"Yeah. Yeah, absolutely just tell me what she needs." The detective pulls her phone out to take some notes because she really didn't know what she'd need to get. She'd never needed to get anything. Sex had never actually been painful for her, even her first time with a strap on. It was times like this she felt bad for straight girls, she really did. "I'm sorry I don't have much experience to draw on here… Were you this sore when you…" She watches Alex carefully as she speaks. It suddenly dawning on her that Alex had said she never liked being intimate. _Oh God… what if._ "Alex tell me no guy ever forced it on you. Please."

"Mags. Hey. I'm ok. I may never have really gotten into it much but it was always consensual. Ok?" Maggie just nods and swallows a lump that had jumped into her throat from out of nowhere. "But um, yeah I was a little sore for a day or so. But Kara… it's a little different. She wasn't ready and she…" _Anal is supposedly a little painful for the first time even with lube… Kara had nothing and she wasn't ready and she was tense… god…_ Alex couldn't even begin to imagine how much that would have hurt and scared her sister. "She has some injuries from the nature of it. She'll probably be hurting till she gets her powers back."

Maggie hated herself for being relieved that Alex hadn't suffered this way. It made her sick to her stomach that she'd ever think for even a split second that _thank god it wasn't Alex._ Deep down she knew it wasn't that she was glad it was Kara and it wasn't Alex but with everything right now the relief that washed over her just felt wrong. "I'm glad you're ok. Just tell me what I need to get or if there's anything else you think she needs. I'll run out and grab it so you have it after she wakes up."

"It's um.." Alex blushes as she runs through the list Marly had briefly discussed with her. Alex felt like she should know that stuff but it'd been a while since she'd been in her OB/GYN rotation in med school.

Maggie just kind of looks at her and waits for her to continue a small smile cracking the seriousness of just a few moments ago. "Spit it out Danvers."

"Right. Anyway. We have a couple of those rice ice things in the freezer but grab a couple more. They're fine as ice or heat sources. Also some epsom salt, not the scented stuff. We have ibuprofen but probably grab some more."

"Got it." Maggie places her hand over Alex's hand and gives it a little squeeze. "Anything else?"

"No, I don't think so. I'm sorry, I'd go myself but…" She casts a sidelong glance at the still sleeping blonde on their couch. She really didn't want to leave Kara and she did really need to get these meds in her.

"Don't even mention it, Danvers." Maggie pulls the still sputtering agent in for a hug. "I'll get the stuff. It's not a problem. I promise."

There wasn't much about sex that made Maggie uncomfortable not like Alex got sometimes. There wasn't anything on that list that was incriminating in any way. Which was odd why Alex seemed a little bit squirrely.

Danvers was fine usually about that kind of stuff, which this was not, but they hadn't really explored much yet as Alex discovered her more _unrated_ side that she actually enjoyed. It took awhile for the woman to try oral, either side really though she was a little less adverse to the idea of trying it on Maggie before she let Maggie do it herself. But Maggie didn't mind either way as Alex got used to actually enjoying herself with a partner. She knew it was an adjustment and she was having more than enough fun with the pace they were moving.

"You're amazing you know that?" Alex looks at her from the awkward angle as she's still caught in the hug. She really didn't know what she'd do without Maggie right now. And that little look was all it took for Maggie's thoughts to jump from the gutter they had slid into back to the situation at hand _. What a weird place for a mind to go._

Maggie lets her go and presses a quick kiss on her fiance's lips as she grabs the keys. They jingle just a bit as she swings them from the end of the lanyard so they land right in her hand. "I'll be back in a few. Now wake up your sister and get her squared away. Love you, Al."

"Love you too. Be safe." With a few short steps she's to her sister. The agent holds her breath as she kneels down. Not so much for Kara's sake but some mornings her joints were a little stiffer than others. She wasn't as young as she used to be and this whole beating up aliens twice and quadruple your size and strength thing wasn't exactly easy on the body. She rests her hand on Kara's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Kara, hey. Hey, wake up." All Kara does is curll her knees tighter to her chest as she tries to stay asleep. "Come on, Kar. Please. Just for 10 minutes then you can go back to sleep. Promise."

"Alexx" the sleepy girl mumbles in protest causing her sister to chuckle a little.

The older sister checks her forehead and tries one more time with a gentle hand on her little sister's cheek. "I'll get you some of those pasties from Patty's." _Well, I'll have Maggie pick some up._ Kara opens her eyes then and sits up. Alex tries not to notice how she moves so tenderly at the new pressure on her backside and still very sore portion of her female anatomy. "Of course food wakes you up. Why am I not surprised."

"You better follow through." Kara pouts as she readjusts just a little bit. "If not that was a dirty trick. Why do you need me up? I don't have anywhere to be today. Just let me sleep, Alex. Please." _It doesn't hurt when I'm asleep. And I just feel so exhausted. And I don't want to face the world just yet. They'll all know._

"I know. I… you need to take these." Alex says, handing Kara the pills as she dumps them out in her hand. However when Kara makes no moves to accept the offered medication Alex has to force herself to breathe. "Please Kara."

"Why?"

Yet again the oldest Danvers is wiping her hand over her face struggling with bringing up what they had spent their majority of New Years Day doing: dealing with Kara being raped. "They're to protect you. After what happened… Kara we don't know if the guy had any STIs or anything."

"Oh." Kara leans forward grimacing again at the moment. Alex had to make a mental note to figure out something to make that a little less painful for her sister. She remembered being sore after her first time but it wasn't anything this extreme. Kara though, Kara was in real life, no shit, pain. She's really glad she had to foresight to send Maggie for the stuff now. "Oh. Um… Won't my powers come back soon and take care of it?"

"Yeah they probably will. I just want to play it safe, okay? This is kind of uncharted territory. I just want to make sure you're ok." She extends her hand with the pills again and hands Kara a water that had been slid onto the coffee table by Maggie just before she left out the door unnoticed by the newly awakened Danvers. "And here's some Ibuprofen. It should help with the discomfort. Maggie just went to the store to grab some other stuff to help. It's pretty bad, huh?"

All Kara can do is nod, the pink in her cheeks doesn't go unnoticed. For the most part Alex knows the nod is a pretty big understatement. She knew that she felt pretty _raw_ for a day or so. Eliza, god love her, had tried her best to ignore it but in that _ever knowing mom_ way about her had left Alex some Advil and some chocolate on her night stand after she'd gone to school. The two weren't all that close. Not like that. Not like some girls were with their moms. But Alex appreciated the gesture. That was just about all they'd talked about it. Alex set up her own doctor's appointment to get checked out and been responsible just like she was with everything else. Though Alex had never known this Eliza cried a little at night because her girl was grown up and didn't need her anymore and she knew it was her own doing for putting too much on her young Alexandra.

So yeah, Alex knew Kara was feeling exponentially worse than she was. She hadn't had injuries really but Kara… She hadn't needed stitches but Marley had been close to it on a couple. The two doctors shared more than a few looks of concern through the exam when Kara wasn't looking. Marley did her best to clean Kara up and get her set but these things aren't easy to make feel better. She wished they were… god she wished they were.

Kara's mind wanders unfairness of the universe. _How come it's women who have to be in pain? How come it has to hurt so bad and feel so demoralizing for us when guys get high fives or whatever? Why does it have to hurt at all? I thought it was supposed to feel good!? And it hurts so bad. Rao it hurts so bad._

"Alex. I don't get it." Kara shakes her head again as she contemplates something beyond what Alex could possibly predict. Her thoughts shifting to the unfairness of it all to some things she'd seen on the internet and in pop culture. _Sex is so weird on this planet._

 _Why it hurts?_ She's confused. She thought Kara knew. She thought Marley had done a pretty good job explaining it when they sat there after the exam. She thought she did a good job of trying to make sure Kara heard it even though she was pretty sure her sister was in shock. "You weren't… ready. In any sense. That's partially why its so…"

"No.. uh no not that. I understand _why…_ " She wipes her hands over her face trying to hide. Hide from the embarrassment she feels at what happend. _I wasn't into it. Therefore I made it worse for myself. It's my fault I know._ The older sister lowers Kara's hands with gentle fingers wrapped around her wrists. Not saying a word to Kara's hidden thoughts but not needing to with the way Kara's favorite hazel eyes softened as they searched Kara's. Alex might not know that Kara is still putting this all on herself yet, but she's doing her best to reassure her otherwise.

"Then what is it? Why this happened?"

"No." Kara cuts off her sister before she can start the whole "I don't know why this happened Kara but it's going to be ok" talk. Or the other talk where she goes into how Kara didn't do anything wrong when Kara _knows_ she did _everything_ wrong. _Literally all of it._ Before they can get into the whole _you were violated-no I wasn't_ argument again Kara just spits it out. "I don't know why people want to feel this way."

"Kara, what?" _On earth are you talking about? I'm pretty sure no one actually wants this to happen to them. What happened was horrible. What happened was not sex Kara. I swear it wasn't._ But Alex didn't know how to say that without starting the same argument her sister was also trying to avoid. Alex knew she should probably be pushing through. Keep re-enforcing the true nature of what actually happened instead of allowing Kara to put this all on herself and think this was what was supposed to happen.

"I don't know. Like, you know, that Ariana Grande song or um when in books or whatever when people say they don't want to be able to walk the next day." And Kara really didn't understand because this was absolutely miserable. She felt so vulnerable and exposed it would have made her knees weak if she would be standing. Every stung and was just _raw_ and moving hurt and her stomach or something lower was cramping and her throat was sore and every once in a while it felt like her butthole would flex on it's and make it so much worse. She honestly didn't even know it could do that. It was bizarre and just plain awful. "I just don't understand."

 _First of all, Kara, what kind of books are you reading?_ Alex looks at her sister with a cocked eyebrow, having to remind herself that now was definitely not the time to ask. "I don't know. It might be different when… Ya know what? I really don't know." It wasn't like Alex was squeamish when it came to sex at all… Or that she didn't know. She could see the appeal of maybe being a little rough every once in awhile with one's significant other… her and Maggie had talked about it some or sometimes gotten a little _carried away_ but this...

This was new territory for her, having this talk with her sister. They generally didn't shy away from it, at least Alex didn't. This complicated things though. It's still a very sensitive subject for Kara. For new reasons now other than her little sister's pure-innocent-slightly squeamish-heart. She didn't want to keep reminding her sister that what happened to her wasn't sex. She didn't know how to make that more clear. But _IT WASN'T_. She hated that look Kara got in her eyes as she contemplated what exactly happened that night.

"I'm getting kinda hungry. Were you serious about Patty's?" She says with a yawn. Successfully dropping the conversation both for convenience and ease of feelings on both sides. Kara didn't have the energy for it right now. Sleep was claiming her quickly and for no reason. She just felt so exhausted. _Nick would be so proud of himself. Probably. Wore me out for two whole days._

 _I am disgusting. What a disgrace._

"Yeah." Alex laughs and lets Kara lie down again with her head in her older sister's lap. Alex runs her hands through Kara's still slightly damp hair, pulling softly at the little tangles that had formed overnight. She always loved the way Kara's hair came untangled with the gentlest of strokes and honest to god it was so soft Alex could forget what damage she's done with her hand, how hardened it'd become. With her other hand she just texts Maggie.

 **Danvers** : Hey, grab some pastries and doughnuts from Patty's on your way back please.

Her fiance replies almost immediately with an attached photo of Patty, an older Irish man, smiling as he fills up a box with the usual Danvers order. The order itself was a little past absurd. It had lady fingers, turnovers, doughnuts, scones the whole nine. It could very well be the order for one of the little coffee shops that sold his pastries but he never questioned and never complained.

 **Maggie** : Way ahead of you Danvers

 **Maggie:** be back soon

And back soon she was. Maggie couldn't help but smile when she walked back into the apartment to find Kara back asleep on Alex's lap or her precious fiance running her fingers through Kara's hair with one hand and taking sips of what was likely her third cup of coffee that morning. Alex twists her head to look back at her for a second when she hears the door close and the familiar jingle of Maggie's keys hitting the wall after being hung up on the hook. Before Maggie is putting the boxes of morning treats and the groceries down on the table Alex is already back to watching Kara's sleeping form.

"Hey," she laughs placing a kiss on Alex's head over the back of the couch pulling her fiance from where ever her thoughts might be wandering "so much for waking her up."

"Hey." Alex tilts her head back just enough to lean into the kiss. "I got the meds in her. Her eyelids were still pretty heavy though and she just looked so sleepy and she was mumbling some hard questions so I just let her get back to sleep."

"You're going to melt every time our kids give you that Danvers Puppy Pout thing aren't you?" Alex just looks at Maggie trying to fight the urge to let her jaw drop to the floor. They hadn't really talked about kids yet either. Alex knew she wanted them she just didn't know where Maggie stood. The woman was great with kids, like the first time Alex had seen Maggie with a baby at a crime scene she'd never been more smitten but she also knew Maggie liked that they didn't have that extra responsibility and could just be the two of them. "Relax Danvers. You gave me a new last name yesterday. I think me mentioning offspring is inbounds."

"You want kids?" _With me? You want a family with me?_ Alex panics internally forgetting for the time being that this woman has already agreed to marry her and spend the rest of their lives together. She really doesn't know why it comes as such a surprise that Maggie would even consider children. But dammit if it didn't make Alex the absolutely most happy woman in the world.

"I want you, Alex. If kids is a part of that then, yeah I want kids." Alex just smiles at her as Maggie plops down in the chair next to the couch. The universe had handed her some shit over the years but this… this one who ever it was had gotten _perfect._ "Just not immediately. I still like being able to give them back and pregnancy kind of really freaks me out."

"I can work with that." Maggie surprised her like this all the time. With sweet little confessions out of nowhere that always seemed to make Alex's heart grow and make her melt all at the same time. This woman just made her so damn happy. Even when things seemed impossible. "You got the stuff?"

"I did. Though I think the guy at the checkout counter was a little judgy. He must think I had a rough night if ya know what I mean." Maggie's laugh is interrupted with a grimace as she steals a sip of Alex's coffee. She really hated how sweet Alex liked it.

"You know how I drink my coffee. Don't give me that look." Alex takes the mug back into her own possession as if to protect her precious morning brew from the hash judgment of her fiance. "You know you could have just done self-checkout, right? But why would he look at you like that?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Maggie smirks, kicking her heels up onto the coffee table. "Oh and the probably because I grabbed some Plan B. I don't know how the whole alien human thing works but um… I just thought."

"Oh crap. I forgot about that. I think Marley gave me some before we left yesterday but I left it in the car." Alex runs through the stuff in her head trying to think of everything Marely told her to do to help Kara. She did appreciate the pointers. She just wished she had that knowledge to impart on her own. Though Alex supposes it's not a bad thing to not have to know. She knew Marley did this kind of thing on off days at a local clinic if they needed extra hands. "Hey, Kar. Maggie's back with the food."

"Sleep now. Food later." She grumbles after Alex gives her shoulder a couple of shakes.

Maggie looks at the littlest Danvers like she'd just grown a 6th maybe 7th head. She looks back toward Alex with her eyes spread so wide in a way only Maggie's ever got. _Is she ok?_ Alex however seemed pretty much un-phased as she rolled her eyes. "Get your sleepy ass up. Maggie got Patty's."

"Why didn't you say so?" Kara sits up again with another wince. Alex has to lean backward quickly from her angle over her sister as to not get clocked in the chin with Kara's head. Because even with no powers Kara had a fucking hard head.

"Stay put Little Danvers. I'll grab the goods." Maggie pushes with both hands off her knees glad to see some life out of her favorite little alien. It, however, is not lost on Alex that Maggie is giving her an opportunity to have her sister take the pill. Alex takes package from Maggie as she walks by on her way to the kitchen table and knocks a slightly smaller pill into her hand looking at it for a long second before gently nudging Kara to take it.

"What's this one?" Kara looks at the extended hand a little confused. What else could she need to be safe about? She really didn't know. And she'd only taken the Ibuprofen like an hour ago. She had a feeling she knew what it was. Kara had fallen asleep thinking about a little pill that could take care of something she didn't want to think about. How she wished she could. Wished she didn't believe in what she did because that would make it so much easier.

"Its EC… emergency contraception…" Her voice feels strangled as she looks at Kara's eyes growing wide with panic. "The morning after pill basically. So um… well you know… it's so you won't get pregnant." Alex really didn't know why that was so hard to get out. Probably because as she was saying it she realized two things. One that Kara probably hadn't even thought that far. She was likely more concerned with being messy or gross if he had cum than having a baby, at least initially. And Two Alex probably should have explained her options and offered the pill. Now she just felt sneaky.

"Alex… that's…" Kara's eyes go wide as a blush of her own grows across her cheeks. Slowly she shakes her head making Alex cringe when a string of pops is accidentally released. Two nights in a row in the couch wasn't the best for restful sleep. "I'm not taking that. I can't."

"Kara…" _just here me out._

"No. I just can't. Ok? You know I'm pro-choice but no." Kara straightens her posture. "I don't kill. Alex. I could never live with myself if I took that. I want to." Tears started falling down the Kryptonian's face as she chewed on the corner of her lip. She tried to look Alex in the eye but she couldn't because she felt like a child. She felt like an idiot. And she felt like a traitor. "God I want to so bad. Because I don't know if I could handle being pregnant on top of all my other responsibility right now. I'm so scared about what could happen if I don't take that. But I can't… I won't. I can't say one thing and then turn around and do the other because I'm so terrified I want to vomit. If there is even the slightest chance that I could be ending a life before it got to start… and we'll never know if I did or not... I'll think about that for the rest of my life. We're just going to have to wait it out and see. I'll… I'll figure it out if it comes to that but I am not going to take that pill."

Alex puts the pill down on the table. She really should have asked first. Because she had a feeling this might have been how Kara would react. "Ok." Alex pulls her sister into her chest. Because as much as Kara had said she wouldn't take it and even though Kara said she wanted to she knew that was killing her sister to have even considered it. She knew Kara was terrified of what might happen but she also had to give her a hell of a lot of credit for sticking to her morals when it was _really_ ambiguous if taking that pill would be killing someone or not. She could see the logic on both sides depending on different people's beliefs. She didn't really agree with her sister but she certainly wasn't going to try to change Kara's mind. Kara really didn't need that right now. "It's going to be ok, Kara. We'll figure it out together."

"I know you don't agree with me and think that I'm stupid and naive… I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry."

"Kara." Alex rests her chin on the top of Kara's head. She loved getting to hold her sister like this again but she truly hated the reason. "I don't." She made eye contact with Maggie who was still standing off to the side not quite sure what to do with the large box of pastries in her hand. _Help me out here, Mags._ She tries to convey to her fiance with pleading eyes as she holds Kara. Alex isn't really sure if Kara is still crying or not. She wouldn't blame her if she was. This was frightening stuff.

A baby could change everything. Being pregnant could change everything. She knew Kara wanted kids eventually but this wasn't eventually and this wasn't with a man she loved. This is right now and this wouldn't even be from a night that her sister had wanted. "They call it a choice for a reason, Kar. And I respect yours. Ok?"

"Ok." The young hero relaxes in Alex's arms again convinced for the moment that her sister didn't think she was completely archaic in her thoughts on the matter. "When do you guys have to go to work? You can go back to your place. I'll be fine on my own. I hate that I'm bothering you guys with this. I'm fine." She starts to stand up, making ready to leave her two older sisters for the day. They had more important things to do than deal with her needlessly emotional and tear-filled state.

"Kara Danvers," Alex scolds and pulls Kara back down into her lap "sit your ass back down. No one is working till Wednesday." After that the room falls silent as the focus shifts from Kara to the literal and actual best pastries on the planet, in the whole universe, if you ask Kara. Then much the Kara's comfort they just hang out for a little bit and enjoy the silence and each other's company.

It isn't until Kara stands up with a slight whimper declaring that she needed to use the bathroom that Alex remembers the stuff Maggie got. She feels pretty bad but she didn't know if bringing them up right away would have been the best move anyway, especially after the little Plan B thing… "Kar. I had Maggie run to the store and grab some stuff that'd help with the soreness. Want to give it a try?" She's answered by a bashful nod. And Kara really isn't sure if she's more embarrassed that Maggie had to get it, that she needs it in the first place, or that it was so obvious that she was hurting so badly down there. "Alright. Just grab the Epsom salt from the table and take a warm bath. We'll be out here. Take your time, ok? When you're done I'll give you some other stuff."

"Yeah. Thanks. Alex. And uh. Thank you too Maggie."

"Don't mention it, Kid." Maggie smiles as she shifts her spot next to Alex on the couch. When Kara is out of ear shot and into the bathroom Maggie turns back to Alex and gives her a little smirk. "So… How many pastries are you going to eat?"

Alex is caught between wanting to roll her eyes at Maggie's need to tease her literally always and wanting to groan because she really didn't know how to approach that. She goes with the later. "Maggie Sawyer. I hate you."

"In your dreams Danvers. In your dreams."

Kara listens to the lighthearted banter between the two women as she fills the bathtub not exactly understanding what they were saying but glad the two had each other all the same. Carefully and slowly she pulls her shirt off. As the cool air hits her skin she misses the soft cotton immediately. Kara doesn't know how long she stands there. Water running. Hands crossed over her bra with the shirt still dangling from her fist. "You're ok. You're ok." She forces herself to breathe as she drops the shirt at her feet and pushes down her sweats.

She holds her breath as she slides her underwear down her thighs and steps out of them. Her exhale coming much shakier than she would have like. "Just get in the bath, Kara. It's ok." She talks to herself as she forces a leg up and over the side of her tub. A sigh slipping from her lungs. Slowly. Slowly. She slides into the tub letting the water surround her for a moment before she pours in some of the salt Alex had given her.

The water turns gritty below her heels as the faucet pounds down on the bridge of her crossed feet. "Relax. Just relax. Alex said this will help." She reaches forward and shuts the water off not without wincing again at the pull between her legs. _Rao this better help._ Each time she feels the pull of her injuries she struggles not to turn to the side and throw up as it pulls her thoughts back to the night before. Quickly shutting her thoughts off Kara wraps her arms around her knees and sits unmoving letting the quiet bathroom surround her. Usually she didn't like this part of baths. She always liked the sound of the faucet pouring into the water, the quiet felt too lonely but not it's just kind of nice.

The water feels so cozy she just wants to slip below it. It's warm and surrounding her and the shower curtain pulled across the tub offers her a sense of privacy and security from the outside world even if it was just Alex and Maggie for the time being. Kara lets herself sink back against the rear edge of the tub sliding down a little further letting her legs drop open so she can have as much of herself as possible in the water. The weight of it feels so good around her. The sound of nothing but dripping and moving water soothing to her racing mind. Slowly that's all she thinks about, the dripping noise, as she lets her eyes close again.

Drip.

Plop.

Plop.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Plop.

Drip.

The nose fades to the background as Kara focuses on deep breaths like Alex showed her when she was a kid. Four in. Hold two. Four out. Repeat. Just like that. Over and over and over. She never could do the full seven or eight second thing the lack of air in her lungs always made it worse if she waited that long. She never understood that. But Alex had helped her find something that worked. Young 16 year old Alex who wasn't exactly her new sister's biggest fan but tried to help all the same because that is just who she is.

It must have been tough to be 17 and suddenly have a new 13 year old sister. The first year was fine enough but things had gotten tough after Jeremiah died. Alex wasn't in a great place and Kara was honestly still trying to figure a lot of stuff out.

Kara would never forget the time when she was out on the roof sitting there, looking up at the stars, and wishing to rao that she'd never made the journey through them. She had been muttering in Kryptonian. Things like: I'm sorry, why me, I miss you, forgive me. And all of the sudden there was a warm presence next to her. Sitting close enough their sides and shoulders were touching Alex just sat with her. Listening though Kara thought she couldn't understand, until out of the corner of her eye she saw Alex's head move. When Kara turned her own head toward her "sister" she was met with a soft smile. The first time she'd really received that look from Alex. The gentle upturn of the lips, eyebrows slightly arched, eyes squinted just a little. Because Kara wasn't crying but she was saying things that she didn't anyone else to ever here. Alex had rested her hand on Kara's knee, given it a slight squeeze and whispered back in english "I've got you." And for the first time since she'd gotten in that pod Kara hadn't felt so alone.

"Kara, hey, you ok in there?" A couple of light knocks on the door pull her back from her half asleep state in the tub. She shudders at the water now turned cold and the lack of the dripping faucet. Kara really hadn't realized she'd been in there for that long. The cold water makes her miss her powers though when normally she would have just heat visioned it for a second. The cool water didn't feel nice anymore though, not nearly as comforting as it had been just a while ago.

"Kara? Sis?" The door opens slowly and she knows Alex is poking her head in through the door. "Kara, I'm coming in." She can't bring herself to reply though she doesn't really want Alex to see her naked. The next thing she hears is the lid of the toilet seat closing as she's sure Alex takes a seat. "I've got a warm towel for you and some fresh clothes I just pulled out of the dryer. They're on the toilet seat. There's a glass of water and some more advil next to the sink. I'll have an ice pack waiting for you when you come out. Take your time. But um please say something so I know you haven't drowned."

She doesn't know what she hasn't said anything back yet. But Kara is lost in her breathing. The count keeps her attention as she takes just a few more. Just a few more before she acknowledges that she needs Alex to help her like this because something happened to her.

"Kara?"

Two more breathes. Kara know's Alex's hand has to be hovering very close to the edge of the shower curtain as she tries to restrain herself for the sake of Kara's privacy but worry is starting to take hold. "I'm ok."

Kara tries not to think about the long sigh she hears leave her sister's lungs. Tries not to think about that look of disbelief that's probably on Alex's face. "Ok. Like I said. Take your time." She says just before the bathroom door clicks shut again.

Two more breaths and Kara is standing slowly not wanting to get dizzy or slip against the smooth surface of the bathtub's floor. She can still feel the discomfort though it's decreased by quite a bit. She really didn't think that the salt bath would help. Stepping from the tub she relishes the feeling of the fuzzy foam bath-matt below her feet as she wraps the warm towel around her shoulders, drying each arm off first just like she always did. Then her legs. Then her chest. Then her hair.

Towel around her waist she slides the bra on wiggling just so to get it over her slightly damp skin. The shirt Alex had grabbed was one she stole from her older sister when she went to college. An oversized Midvale Mud-Hounds Hockey shirt she had caught at one of the minor league games. Kara loved that shirt. Alex complained that she had it damn near every time Kara wore it.

She takes a deep breath as she drops the towel to the ground, underwear already in hand to limit her exposure time. She's honestly a little bit surprised that the sweats are still warm when she steps into them. Tossing the towel in the corner for later Kara emerges from the bathroom careful not to disturb her sister and Maggie from where they were debating something passionately that had likely just happened on the soccer game they were both watching.

Maggie called Alex her "jersey lesbian" whatever that meant. Baby gay and jersey lesbian. Two terms Kara had thought about consulting her dear friend Google about before she thought better of it. Though Maggie had said she'd never dated a girl who knew as much about sports as Alex did. Which was funny because Kara never really remembered Alex getting into sports all that much after she had stopped competing in college - until she learned that Maggie loved just about all of them. _But whatever._

As Kara shuffled her way to the couch the two tried to act normal. Tried to keep up their banter as if they hadn't noticed an exceptionally vulnerable looking young woman shuffling toward them with a look of determination only someone who is trying not to look afraid can possess.

"Hey, Danvers 2. Mind grabbing me a tea from the fridge before you sit down?" The detective kicks her feet back up on Kara's coffee table and drops a pillow in her lap to rest her arms on. Her gentle smile no different than her usual dimpled grin she always shot Kara.

Alex's eyes grow wide as she turns to her girlfriend for a second as she plants her hands on her knees making ready to stand up. "Mags, I can get it."

"No. No I got it." Kara stops her with a hand in the air thankful for someone not treating her like she'd split in half at any moment. Though she was equally as thankful for the care Alex was showing her just in a different way. "Alex you want anything?" She watches her older sister think for a moment on what drink she wanted, if any, knowing exactly what drink she really wanted to ask for.

"Water'd be great. Thanks." _Water my ass._ Soon enough Kara makes her second appearance as she hands the two older women their drinks. Kara drops back on the couch between Alex and Maggie despite there being very little room. She still just really needed to be held. Needed to feel something because so far all today had felt like was she was watching a movie and she knew that wasn't good.

"Thanks Kid. 'Preciate it. You feeling any better?" Maggie asks opening her arm giving the blonde a choice to lean sideways into her. She could see the apprehension in the way Kara held her back slightly arched and gripped at her knees. The way she didn't quite know what to say as her mouth opened and closed few times before she could actually speak.

"A little, yeah. The bath helped." The blonde's cheeks light up as she sits a little awkwardly on the couch not quite knowing if she wanted to lean back into the soft cushions, sideways into one of the two women anticipating needing to wrap their arms around her, or forward to ground her elbows on her knees. "Sorry I lost track of time."

The eldest sister grabs the ice pack from the table closest to her end of the couch and extends it to Kara. The young girl didn't quite know what to do with it, didn't want it because _ice down there_ and also just wanted to stay as much ahead of the soreness as she could. "I'm just glad it helped."

Maggie wraps her arm around Kara's shoulder pulling the blonde into her side. "Take the ice Little Danvers. It's ok." The alien glances toward her new sister with a look that Maggie's only seen once and only seen directed at Alex. The one where Kara's eyes grow so big they almost start glowing like little neon signs as she looks up through her eyelashes. Her eyebrows up just a little adds to the vulnerability all the more. And here she was looking at Maggie like that.

It damn near broke Maggie's heart to be on the receiving end. _Damn that's a lot of pressure._

"You can sit on it or lay down and kind of tuck it between your legs." Alex calls Kara's attention back to her and the pinball of Kara glancing back and forth between the older women continues for a little while as they offer comfort as they can. Making sure she took the advil. Telling her they'd both done it. Though Maggie felt a little bad for the lie. Eventually Kara settles on using Alex as a pillow and Maggie settles her legs for her careful not to touch much above Kara's knee just in case. "You good, Kar?"

Maggie glances over when no answer comes only to see small nods spreading moisture from Kara's wet hair into Alex's grey t-shirt. She smiles over at her fiance as she starts to run her fingers through Kara's damp hair. Knowing that in a few short minutes Kara would be a gonner and Alex would be a little less worried now that her sister was back asleep under their protection.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN-**

 **Hey, guys here's the next chapter. Thanks again for the reviews I always enjoy reading them!**

 **This chapter is a couple of months after the incident. It's exploring some of the lesser talked parts of recovery or the aftermath of this kind of trauma. I hope you guys like the chapter. I'm always really** **nervous** **about posting for this work, I really don't know how the story is being recieved...**

 **Anyway... I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think.**

* * *

She successfully hadn't thought about that night, not really until about two months later. Even then she hadn't exactly wanted to think about it. She thought she really was doing well with it all. Hardly phased her. No one could tell, though Alex and Maggie seemed to get a little more anxious about the whole thing each time Kara told them she was fine with one of her trademark smiles as if nothing happened at all. And much to Kara's relief Lucy had been in DC dealing with stuff for the last two months and hasn't seen the blonde to really talk.

It all came back though after a press conference, a literal conference for members of the press, Kara had attended with CatCO. In her "round table" there had been a younger guy, about her age, that worked in National City also. She thought he was kind of cute he had a Bruno Mars kind of vibe to him. He was funny and easy enough to talk to at the conference and at dinner when they would go out as a group at night. So when he asked her on a date once they got back to the city she really hadn't given it a second thought before saying yes.

Alex on the other hand was really nervous for Kara. Maggie had to basically slap her to get her to focus as she rambled on during their nightly updates after work. It had become clear that Kara was in total denial about what happened though some days Alex could see reality settling in a little bit heavier on her sister than others. 

Kara hadn't been able to focus at all. She'd damn near lost any motivation she had. She kept isolating herself further and further too. Worst of all, Alex could almost visibly see Kara beating herself up about losing her virginity. Blaming herself. So after she'd talked it over with Maggie who had insisted that "Maybe it'll be good for her Al. Maybe she needs this." Alex had encouraged her to go when Kara had seemed a little apprehensive.

With the apprehension Alex wanted to take her little sister by the shoulders, shake her, and yell, "If it was just sex then why the hell are you scared about at date?! Kara what happened wasn't your fault and you can't just go on pretending!" But she didn't because, for one, Maggie would actually murder her, and two as frustrating as it was to watch Alex knew that deep down Kara knew and was doing the best she could to keep going.

After all it was only lunch with what is basically a work acquaintance of Kara's. And really, he seemed like a nice enough guy in what she could find. "No Maggie, no I didn't stalk him." She had to defend when her fiance asked only to be answered that "yeah, he seemed ok. Checked out fine."

So Kara agrees to go. She's nervous but the good kind all the night before, then the morning of she gets up early to go flying before she gets ready. She smiles as she remembers the conference a two weeks ago.

"Miss Danvers, what are your thoughts?" A smiling face calls her back from the absolutely nowhere her mind had been. Jamal, the facilitator of the round table she was sitting at at a journalism conference cat had insisted she go to - "Go, make connections. Learn something" - had such a kind smile it eased that hurt Kara was trying so hard to pretend didn't exist.

"Please call me Kara. But I agree," She motions to the side of the table doing most of the talking, hoping and praying that she could BS her way through this. She really hadn't been paying a lick of attention. "With John, As journalists I think ideally we should care more about the facts than the scoop. It would be beneficial to have a solid understanding of statistics and the mathematical workings in these polls too so we can be more articulate when going to inform the public. I think we have an obligation to understand the numbers and where they came from so we can be responsible with our presentation of information." Where did you pull that from? Nice work.

"Very well said. I can see Snapper is rubbing off on you." An older gentleman seated at the table comments as the director of the conference steps to the podium at the front of the room announcing a brief recess and coffee break.

Kara is on her way to the coffee shop just across the way when she hears the patter of feet behind her. "Hey, Kara, wait up." The shorter man jogs up next to her as she starts to open the door to the little joint she'd discovered on the first day of the conference. "That was really good stuff. I think the table could really benefit from more of your input but I understand if you would rather just observe."

Though Kara did like to listen first, a trait she was slowly stealing from Maggie - she often wasn't even really sitting at that table. It was so hard for her to stay focused anymore and trying to fight to keep her mind in the moment was so exhausting she had to let it go sometimes. The only problem was that she honestly didn't really know where it ever went. "Oh, thank you Jamal. That's very kind of you."

The young man, no older than herself, gave a ½ dimpled smile, his bright white teeth made more so by his darker skin. "Can I buy you a coffee?"

"You don't have to…"

"Allow me, please. I really would really like to get to know you better before the end of this."

"Thanks - I'll have a small caramel macchiato please."

"Make that a large. I'll have that as well. Thanks Kenna. Oh, how was that interview, for the scholarship, right?"

"That'll be right out for you Jamal. And it went well. Thank you for remembering."

"I'm so happy for you, keep the change."

And this man's open care about from what Kara could glean was a barista at a coffee shop he frequented and nothing else - no personal connection whatsoever. This guy actually cared. It was refreshing and frankly making him more attractive than Kara already found him. Taking a deep breath Kara offered to exchange contact information with the young man which he reacted with another dazzling smile.

After weeks of texting back and forth Jamal would send her songs to "expand her musical horizons" after she mentioned her lack of musical knowledge when he told her one of his hobbies was exploring vinyl stores. Titles such as "Just my type" "Lets Stay Together", "Dance with Me", "You ain't seen nothing yet", and "Give it a Shot"- started popping up in texts. THis gy was pretty smooth but Kara was a little wary to jump in to dating. She couldn't place why but she knew that it probably wasn't the best idea just yet.

She felt so off about it still and she had no idea why. Over the last two months Maggie and Alex hand been around and checked on her in their own ways but the damn Kryptonian was so deep in denial she'd pretty much blocked out the first day of the year entirely. So when Jamal asked for a date, Maggie and Alex encouraged her to go so Kara responded with a brief - looking forward to it :)

When she gets back to the apartment from her morning flight, that actually did help relax her. It was the only thing that could do that anymore. She didn't know why the wind in her face made her feel so alive like she could just let the world fall away and that it was actually ok. Landing back on her hardwood floor she decides on a pretty casual outfit. Skinny Jeans, duck boots, and a forest green under armour stretch hoodie shirt thing that was both warm and stylish. What mattered though is she felt pretty comfortable in this. It wasn't suggestive or anything. Just kinda chill.

He showed up and was in a similarly relaxed outfit. Jeans. Loose hoodie shirt of his own and a snap-back. When he walked up to the door he handed her flowers but other than that it didn't feel much like a date to Kara as they ate lunch. The conversation was easy. They talked about random things and jokes and though it was kind of nice, if Kara was being honest she wasn't really feeling it. He was a nice guy but there didn't feel like there was much of anything there and some of the jokes Jamal made weren't exactly funny. Like the time her called her a strong independent black woman… And Kara nearly choked on her sandwich at that because what the hell?

It wasn't til they drove to an antique shop to waste some time that Kara started to regret letting Alex convince her this was a good idea. Jamal was so cute as they walked around. Asking the old lady who worked there about different paintings and records they had. Kara just kind of browsed until he was done. She was fine with that. She liked looking at old human things. A lot of them didn't make sense to her. When they were young Alex often had to explain the rudimentary machines or even why humans kept old junk like this around. Now Kara kind of enjoyed it. It was lasting. It told a story.

She was called from her thoughts when Jamal put his hand on her lower back. She really hadn't known where he came from but all of the sudden he was trying to steer her deeper into the store to check out some other stuff. Her stomach jumped into her throat and she had to fight to keep from panicking. Something she had gotten quite good at over the last two months. Though it'd gotten easier the more she didn't think about it.

So she simply reached up and took his hand in hers. Because first of all, no. Don't steer me like I'm some woman in the 1800s who doesn't know where to go. Is her initial thought even though she thinks of how nice it would be to have someone who she would trust to lead her like that. Someone that could do that in a way that didn't feel utterly degrading. But if she was being honest it was the fact that he came up behind her and touched her back. She hated that. Ever since… she couldn't stand someone touching below her shoulder blades on her back. It made her whole body tingle with this terrible sort of energy that screamed at her that something wasn't right. But for now she could usually turn away or get herself out of it without the other person being any the wiser.

Jamal though…. He kept putting his hand there and she kept turning away and taking it in her own so it was occupied with something else. It went on for a while until he came up behind her again and put both hands on her hips.

She knew she had gone rigid. She knew she jumped slightly and even let out a little yelp. The air got trapped in her lungs and her heart thundered in her chest. In that moment everything she'd been trying to block out for two months came back like a wall of water rushing down a dry river bed.

She knew exactly what that reminded her of. Though Jamal's squeeze was gentle and meant to get her attention enough to get her to turn around. It was meant to be cute. It was a way he was trying to -not so subtly- tell her he was interested. Yet, she still went rigid so she stepped forward out of his touch and asked if he was ready to head back and that she needed to finish some things up on an article due tomorrow. Of course he had agreed and he took her hand and let her lead him back to the car. He didn't even seem to question why their date had come to an abrupt stop or register that his hands had been the reason.

When they parked at her place is where it got worse. Kara's heart was still thundering against her ribs, her hands sweating so much gripping the steering wheel was more difficult than it should have been. Kara just wanted it to end but in a way she had a good enough time and she didn't want to be alone again. Not like this.

What Kara didn't know was that Maggie and Alex were over and watched the whole thing as the two said goodbye. Which would have been amusing as hell if they hadn't seen Kara's discomfort even from Kara's 15th floor window.

Jamal was standing in front of Kara, he had put his hands on her hips again. "I had a really fun time. Maybe next time we can do something in my neck of the woods." He said with a smile Kara just blushed and responded with something akin to "yeah, me too." With a shy smile because yeah she had actually had fun but she didn't know what was coming next. Well she did know. She was dreading what was coming next.

So when Jamal leaned in to kiss her, standing just a little bit on his toes because he was about an inch shorter than Kara. Kara twisted her head at the last minute so he caught her cheek. Embarrassed and not quite sure where that had come from she closed her eyes and tucked her head into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug.

She really didn't know why she did that either. It wasn't like she was super comfortable with the guy. But her body had been screaming to be held close and comforted. This wasn't that but it pacified that need a little bit even though she was still freaking out a little bit. It was the damndest thing. She didn't want to be. She wanted to be able to kiss him. She did. But Kissing lead to other stuff and other stuff lead to …. Other stuff.

Before it got any more uncomfortable for either of them or before Kara could think about his extra appendage that was actually very near her in this position… too late she'd thought about it. Idiot. With her arms looped around his neck, a little like she had done with Ricky at her 7th grade dance… she slowly leaned in all the while trying to talk herself into kissing him the way he so clearly wanted to be… Much to her own embarrassment she kissed him on the cheek, whispered an apology, and rushed inside. She felt like such an idiot. Like such an ungrateful, stuck up girl. Like she was unnecessarily leading him on and playing hard to get. He had been so nice but Kara watched him drive away through the door to her building with a wave of relief washing over her.

Walking up the stairs to her apartment gave her heart a different reason to beat a little more quickly than normal. Not that the Kryptonian got winded going up the stairs or anything but mind tricks helped her calm down. Kara entered the apartment as she let out a deep sigh fighting the urge to sink to the floor just on the other side of her door and curl into a ball. The younger woman nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees Alex on her couch watching her carefully.

It had taken Kara a while to get up to the apartment and the older sister was starting to get concerned. Though with one look at the way Kara's posture sags with a defeated sort of exhaustion Alex senses some realization about what happened two months ago. Like Kara has finally got a clue that what happened two months ago was not ok, and it was significant, and as hard as she was trying she hadn't forgotten it or moved on. "What happened?" She asks as she slides over on the couch making room for Kara to plop down next to her.

Her little sister buries her face in her hands before starting. "I was so afraid, Alex. He just wanted a kiss. I could tell and I got so afraid. And I felt so guilty it was almost hurting because he was so nice and I wanted to want to kiss him. I did but it wasn't there and I was so afraid of what would happen after that. And um when we were walking around the antique shop he was behind me and put his hands on my hips and it freaked me out. Like a lot. And, and he tried to steer me around by a hand on the small of my back. In the car we held hands and that was fine. Then it was time to part ways.. We hugged. I could tell he wanted a kiss.. Alex I did the last second turn so it was on my cheek. I wanted to want to kiss him. Then we stood there with my arms around his neck. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to talk myself into it but I couldn't. I was starting to panic so I kissed his cheek and we went our separate ways."

Alex stays quiet for a little while longer waiting out any more ramble that might tumble over Kara's lips because when her little sister got going like this there really was no telling when she'd be done. "Why is this happening Alex? I'm fine. He was so nice and I just… What is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you." She pulls her little sister into another hug a little thankful that Maggie had stepped out to take a work call. As much as Kara leaned on Maggie and trusted her too this was something she was only going to tell Alex first. God.. Kara just felt so broken. None of what happened today should have mattered. He didn't do anything wrong. Not at all. But it sure as hell felt like something was wrong.

"Then why does it feel like it?" She mumbles as she sits up and away from her older sister's embrace. She didn't want to be touched or comforted right now. She just wanted to know why everything felt so terrible all the time. Why out of nowhere her knees would nearly buckle as she walked when her mind drifted a little too close to what it was trying to forget. Why sometimes she couldn't breathe. Why she trembled like a hypothermic dog abandoned by its family. Why the first comparison she could think of was a cast aside dog and not just someone shaking for literally any other reason. Why her heart felt so heavy inside the gaping hole of her chest. Why nothing felt ok. Not even a little bit.

"You've been in denial, Kara."

"Alex." Don't. Don't you dare.

"I watch you sit and stare at your blank computer screen. I watch you almost break into tears when you think no one is looking. I watch you position yourself so you have some protection at your back. I watch you shy away from physical contact. I watch how you can't be alone with any men but J'ohn, Winn, or James anymore. There are so many other things you do it's not worth making a whole list. You are not ok."

"I'm not a victim."

"No, Kara, you're a survivor."

"I'm not that either! Alex I didn't survive anything either. It's just something that happened. It's no more his fault then mine."

"You have to quit blaming yourself."

"It was my fault!" She stands from the couch waving her arms frantically trying to get her point across to the most stubborn person in the the entire universe. "I kissed him and I was ok with his hand in my pants a little bit. I wish it had felt good. Part of me thinks the only reason I wanted it to stop was because it hurt so bad. But I said NOTHING. He couldn't have known. How is that his fault? How is that what you keep trying to convince me it was?"

You can't even say the word, Kara. What the hell else do you think would make this so hard for you? "You were shaking! You pulled away, You were crying, you were tense, Kara that is not how sex works. For the life of me… I don't understand how you think that was ok."

"He was drunk too. I was pretty obviously blacked but he was really drunk too. And I remember my body reacting. I moved my legs to give him more access. Isn't that a mixed signal? I don't know why I did that. I didn't want to yet I did so clearly on some level I wanted it. Then… then I let him move me. I'm the strongest person on this planet Alex and he just moved me like I was some sort of rag doll. I have no idea what the hell was going on with me! How can I just sit here and say I didn't want it, that I know I didn't want it when all that other stuff happened?"

"Why are you making excuses for him?" The eldest stands up now with crossed arms giving Kara the only look in the world, aside from Eliza's one of similar intensity, to make her shrink back a little.

"Alex! It's not about that. He isn't a…. He isn't a rapist." I WASN'T RAPED! Why do you think that?! Why wouldn't I have immediately jumped to that conclusion myself? Why did I fall back asleep on him, twice? Why was I sad when he left a few hours later? Huh? Why….

"What if he does that to someone one else?" Keep going, Alex. You've almost got her. She gives herself a pep-talk. As much as this hurt her, and hurt Kara, her sister needed realize it wasn't her fault. Maybe then she could start getting better because if she got much worse Alex was truly afraid for Kara. With the dangers of her job she really couldn't afford to not have a grasp on reality.

"He won't. It was a shitty situation. I was drunk. I gave mixed signals. I... this is my fault Alex, not his and I have to live with that." Just like I have to live with everything else. Kara crosses her arms over her chest as if squeezing them against her rib cage would make the ache just below her sternum go away. God why did she feel so damn empty?

"Do you really believe that? What if it was Winn or James or Clarke who had done that to a girl?"

"I'd be pissed at them but I wouldn't think they were rapists. But they'd know better. Even if the didn't because they were drunk too… I wouldn't think it should ruin their lives. All the good they do. But they wouldn't." She says arms still crossed getting more and more frustrated that Alex wouldn't just let this go. It was two months ago now… it was time to move on. It was time to forget. Besides, it wasn't fair to compare him to those men. Those men were the best she knew.

"That's exactly my point! Kara they wouldn't do that! It's not ok! It is never ok and will never be ok!" Alex wiped over her face with her hand pausing a moment to squeeze her temples trying to drive out some of the frustration. God Kara was dense sometimes. Patience, Alex. Be patient with her. You have no idea how hard this is for her. She doesn't need you screaming at her. "Kara, please. Just… just consider it for a second. Believe yourself that you didn't want that. Trust your instincts. That guy touching your back today wouldn't have freaked you out if everything was ok. I know you know that."

The apartment goes quiet as the two stand there completely oblivious that Maggie had stepped back in and was hanging out in the kitchen just observing. She watched as Kara turned toward the window to face away from her sister, her arms crossing over her chest again. Not in the I'm angry and if I don't cross my arms I'll hit something way but the vulnerable I have to hold myself together way. "I'm supergirl, Alex."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Alex looks up from where she had allowed her eyes to go out of focus as the thought hard about how to help Kara because this clearly wasn't helping. And she felt like a jerk for it she really did. But she was frustrated and trying and Kara was just… it was frustrating. As she thinks a little while longer on what her sister had just said, as she reminded Alex that she was in fact an indestructible superhero who could pick up a car with her pinky… yeah she was supergirl… and?... "Oh… oh no. NO nono. I know you aren't going there." Alex felt the frustration coming back rapidly. She really wished Maggie would come back in and help smooth this over. And now that she'd figured out what Kara was trying to say she really needed that. How could Kara think that?

"Am I wrong? AM. I. WRONG?" Kara watched her sister get angry again as she prepared for another fight. She just hoped the neighbours couldn't hear the topic. There was no question they'd heard some yelling. But Kara was getting kinda angry that Alex wouldn't listen to her. Getting angry at Alex's frustrations. Getting angry at herself for letting Alex make a big deal where there was none. Getting angry at herself for knowing deep down that her sister was right.

"YES!" The older sister softened immediately when Kara flinched and took a step back. But Kara just wanted Alex to have said she couldn't fight anymore and leave. She needed that. She needed to be alone so she could maybe finally break down on her own. So Alex couldn't see how broken she felt all the damn time anymore even though she was trying so hard not to be. She just didn't have the energy. "Oh, Kara… you are not weak. Not even close. This doesn't take anything from that, either way it happened. This doesn't make you undeserving of little girls admiration or incapable of protecting people. It doesn't."

Kara was honestly surprised she hadn't started bawling then and there. Because that was one of the biggest things she was struggling. The amount of times she wanted to correct the press when the called her a role model - how could she be when she'd gotten that drunk… when she'd gone against her values like that. Or when she questioned if she really was the best protector for the city - how could she be if she'd just let something like that happen… "I wish this wasn't such a big deal. It shouldn't be a big deal. It's not. I should be fine. I need to be fine."

"I think talking to someone might give you some clarity. They would help."

"No. No way. Talking about it isn't going to help. Alex, I'm fine." In Kara's head there was this sort of step looking graph, or maybe it was a bell curve, either way… of strength a person had. Level one was being so strong you didn't need to talk about it. You didn't need help. Level two was needing to talk about it but being strong enough to actually talk about it and confront the problem. Level three… where she was… was the most pitiful, and unacceptable place of all. Needing to talk about it, knowing there was something to confront and not possessing the strength to do either.

She desperately wanted to be at level one. Wanted to say she was strong where she was so clearly not...

A little voice in the back of her head yelled at her and told her that none of that was true. That if anyone had said those things about anyone other than her that she'd tear them to shreds for being insensitive and just flat out wrong. And she was. She was so damn wrong.

"We've already established that you aren't." Alex waves her hands in front of her as if to motion to the yelling match they'd just had. Where the fuck is Maggie? Right on que Alex feels a hand on her shoulder giving it a small squeeze.

"As important as I think this conversation is. We have to go. I just got a call about a couple of robberies downtown and there's some casualties. I expect you guys will get the call soon too." As if to prove her point Alex's phone buzzes on her hip and Kara's jumps to life where she had deposited it on the kitchen counter when she'd walked in. "And Little Danvers before you jump into blaming yourself about not being there and not hearing it…. These were done by some sort of Alien with what they're saying was some sort of telepathic capability. We will meet you there. Fly safe."

Before Maggie can even finish the sentence Kara is off. She spins Alex around and grabs her shoulders. "As for you," She kisses her fiance's forehead only having to stand on her tippy-toes a little bit, her boots giving her a boost compared to Alex's bare feet and slumped posture. "Take it easy on her, ok? It's going to take time and everyone deals with this differently. I know you're trying to do what's best for her and I know this is killing you too but it's going to be ok." When Alex nods incapable of responding with words like an actual grown up Maggie smiles that soft little smile and plants a quick kiss to her lips. "Let's go save the city. Again. We'll take care of Kara after. Ok?"

"Yeah. Ok. Race ya there." She forces a smile as the two leave the apartment, very glad that they had both brought their motorcycles with them for this trip to Kara's. Alex could use the distraction.

Later that evening Kara takes a deep breath as she types "Tips for rape recovery" into the incognito window on her phone. She had to have typed the "tips for" part about a million times before finally typing out the "r" word. This felt just like an admission of something and it was kind of a big step but if she couldn't even go on dates? If she couldn't let a guy touch her lower back without freaking out? There was something really wrong. There was something wrong with her and she needed to know how to fix it.

Now with any google search there are things that pop up that aren't exactly helpful and there were certainly things that popped up that made her face flush. The repetitive mention of … um… mas-... of touching yourself as a tool for healing was surprising to say the least.

It's not like Kara had never done it. She was a woman, a curious woman, after all and well… yeah she'd done it. But since New Years the activity hadn't even crossed her mind. Her cheeks grow another shade deeper as she takes a deep breath, relishing the feeling of her soft bed and pillows cradling her worn out body from a day of flying circles over the city and finding absolutely nothing on these new robbers.

Figuring that the fastest way to get over something was to go head on at the problem Kara rolls to her side, knees slightly curled to her chest, and with a deep breath she lets her hand slide in the back waistband of her shorts and panties. Letting the breath out she reaches down and somewhat-around to reach her most sensitive places. However when her arm parts her cheeks due to the logistics of the whole thing…. She freezes. She's stuck there, but not there as in her room, there as in New Years Eve with him behind her. With him…

The Kryptonian has to force herself to swallow bast the bile raising up in her throat but she can't make herself remove her hand or even move it so it doesn't feel so remiciant of that night for at least another ten minutes. Slowly, eventually, she pulls her hand back and tried to take breaths slow and steady to ease the quivering of her body. It's no use. Her lungs have forgotten how to work. She's not breathing. Shure she was damn near panting but none of that was getting where it needed to go. And she was trembling so hard there's not really a worthy comparison to it. It grew worse with teach passing moment so Kara did the only thing she could think to do.

She flew to Alex' hero in pajamas stumbles into her sister's apartment knocking over one of the tables her and Maggie had set up behind a couch. "What the… Kara come on…" Alex's annoyed expression melts away before it could even fully manifest. "Kara. Kara nod if you can hear me." The Kryptonian does as told but her eyes are still as unfocused as ever, he breathing erratic, and shaking more than Alex had ever seen. So much so a little voice in the back of her head tells her to be concerned with Kara starting an earthquake.

Without thinking better of it, Alex hugs Kara to her squeezing her tight as Kara buries her head into the hollow of her older sister's shoulder. "We're going to stay here till you hug me back."

"Ok." It's weak and barely audible but it was there. At least she'd gotten a response. Kara leans back against the wall focusing on the feeling of the wall on her upper back and the warmth of Alex pressed tight to her front. Their thighs, their stomachs, their chests. Kara feels Alex's slow breaths and starts to do her best to match it. It does little to ease the quivering but at least now she's breathing.

The longer they stay like that the less aware Kara is that she's shaking and her muscles are flexed and string as she tries to delay the tremors. All she knows is she wants to cry but the tears don't come. She feels herself calming down, well not really, she's semi-successfully fighting how much her body shakes. Alex continues to hold her, not saying a word, not moving her hands, just providing pressure at this point, and supporting her sister's weight. Eventually though she cannot fight the tremors any more and her chest tightens to where she can't breath.

And just like that she's hyperventilating again. Damn it. Calm down. You're fine. Why are you like this? "Shhhh Kara. I have you." The older sister squeezes her around her middle but when her hands drop below an invisible line on Kara's back the panic gets worse. Without a word Alex moves her hands a little higher and the shaking eases. Kara strains into her. She can feel her little sister trying not to shake as she tensed her muscles, eventually growing tired, shaking more, tensing again, and around and around it goes. "Easy Kara. Easy. Focus on breathing. The shaking will stop eventually. Don't fight it. Just breathe."

"I'm ok. I'm fine." Chatters from those usually so bright pearly whites. Kara doesn't even believe it herself really. But her mind feels fine. She isn't thinking about it, she isn't afraid. Nothing. Her mind feels blank beyond reason but her body… it won't calm down. She still is having trouble breathing and this shaking stuff... She feels fine. She really does. But then why won't this stop? She just wants it to stop.

"It's ok. I know. You're body is reacting Kara. It will go away eventually. Breathe sis, try to close your eyes."

"I... I'm trying." She mutters as she sinks to the floor, Alex following with her. The cycle continues as Kara finds it easier to stop shaking for a few minutes at a time if she strains her arms into the tops of her thighs with her knees pulled to her chest. Alex just sits next to her, an arm around her shoulder letting Kara lean sideways into her. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok Kara. I promise you it's ok."

"What's going on out here?" Neither of the two sisters had noticed a very sleepy Maggie shuffling her way out from her and Alex's bedroom, rubbing the sleep from her eyes before catching a small yawn on the back of her fist as the room came into focus. Similar to Alex, when Maggie sees a quivering blonde on the floor with Alex sitting beside her the sleepiness leaves her immediately.

The detective takes her post on the other side of the young woman her arm wrapping around Kara's back as well. Kara doesn't really register the conversation between the two women that's literally going on around her as they lean forward and backward trying to make some sort of eye contact around her quivering, uncooperative body. She does, however, register that Alex said it was almost three A.M. She'd been at this for hours.

Kara has no idea how much longer they are there for but eventually the shaking becomes less constant, more and more a few "aftershocks" spaced further and further apart. "There you go Little Danvers. You're safe. We've got you." And that's the last thing Kara remembers before waking up with a blanket around her, a pillow under her head, and Maggie holding her into her chest.

"Hey, Kar." Alex whispers squatting down to be more level with her sister. "How are you doing?"

"I'm ok. What time is it?" She wants to just forget about the reason she's sleeping on her sister's floor wrapped in her fiance's arms.

"Almost eight. I can call in if you want. I think you should take the day and rest. Last night is going to have taken a lot out of you."

"No, no. I'm ok. I'll have a bunch of stuff I have to get done. It'll be ok." And before either one of the two can protest Kara is out the door. And sitting in Lucy's office starting on her work for Cat. Not that it was much use anyway. Kara was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep. Her body, her kryptonian body hurt. Her head hurt. Her jaw was sore. She could hardly keep her eyes open let alone focused.

What on earth had sheen been thinking last night… thinking she could do that and be ok? Why would she even do that? Why would she give what it was more of a solid validity in her mind by googling that. It had been the first time she'd referred to what happened as the "r" word. Then she thought doing something that always made her feel so guilty would be good? Clearly she wasn't thinking at all. Besides part of the reason she was having such a hard time accepting this was because she had pleasured herself before. At least she had tried to. And if she could do that didn't that mean that she would want to have sex too? She'd read things too as that happened that gave her an idea of how to act when with a human. It was curious to her and she wanted to, on some level, see what it was all about, what all the hype was, so maybe she had wanted it that night… maybe he didn't do something totally unwanted.

But then she thinks a little harder on the matter and no, she didn't want what happened. Even though she was drunk out of her mind she didn't want that to happen. She didn't want to let him touch her like that. But she did. She didn't want him to do that. To penetrate her. In any way. But he did. And she couldn't remember if she had told him not to or not.

Why the hell did this have to be so damn confusing. It should be easy. It should be black and white. It should be blatantly obvious. But. It. Wasn't. And Kara felt like an idiot for that.

Lucy watches her friend carefully from behind her desk as she contemplates something. "Kara." She'd just returned from two months in DC testifying in front of the house and senate in secret herings and briefing President Marsdin on everything going on. Kara and a team had just finished up cleaning up some banks where the extraterrestrial thief was causing all kinds of problems. She hadn't seen the blonde hero in a few weeks longer than that, not aside from their snapchats or occasional video call. They haven't talked much since those panicked texts she'd received on New Year's morning. And now here Kara was sitting in her office just like she normally did hanging out but instead of working on an article or whatever it is that Kara does while Lucy works she's sitting there. Just sitting there so far into space she's probably halfway to Krypton by now.

It'd been like that for the last week. The blonde sitting in her favorite chair in Lucy's office blue eyes more distant than Lucy had ever seen them. She hadn't pushed. Not yet. But she wasn't blind and she noticed the way that Alex kept a careful eye on her sister and the way Kara seemed to avoid Alex. She wasn't blind to the fact that Maggie was around more often and seemed to keep a closer proximity to Kara, her chest out and shoulders square to make herself bigger. Alex did the same thing when she was trying to be Kara's shield of sorts. Dr. Hamilton was more tender with the blonde as well. "Kara."

She'd even noticed that Kara stepped outside more often and it seemed like the blonde had to force herself to keep breathing. She didn't hug anyone but the women in her life anymore or Winn or J'hon. Not even James. Something was wrong and Lucy was getting worried. Kara seemed more zombie like every day, just going on autopilot more and more with each passing hour. "Kara."

Supergirl was getting beat up a little more than normal too. Lucy hadn't seen an article published from the young reporter in about three weeks either. "KARA."

"Yeah, what's up? Sorry kinda zoned out there." The blonde blinks a few times before her eyes find Lucy's. Kara enjoyed the time they spent together just hanging out. She liked that she had a friend that she could just hang out with like this, the way her and Alex did sometimes but with less talking. Her and Maggie did this too sometimes. She needed it. God knows she needed it. The company was so nice and often times Kara thought it was the only thing helping her get through each day. She wanted to be held. Kara craved to be held but she wouldn't let herself ask for it. Because then… then she'd actually have to admit that the first few days of 2018 happened.

"I'd noticed." The ex-army officer stands slowly and makes her way to the door. She takes a deep breath taking in the main floor of the DEO before shutting the door with her other hand wiping at the side of her face. "What's going on with you?"

"Huh? Nothing. Nothing's going on with me." Kara wipes her hands over her thighs and adjusts her glasses. "Just uh, you know, busy with CatCo and cape stuff. The usual." The hero tries to shrug but is left rubbing at her eyes Lucy has an awful feeling that if the girl in her office was human she'd have some pretty dark circles beneath her eyes.

"You realize it's literally my job to see through lies right?" Lucy drags her rolly chair from behind her desk and takes a seat slowly as she keeps her eyes glued to Kara's. "You have to tell me what's going on with you, Kara. You're work is slipping and this isn't like you. Talk to me."

Kara scoots forward in her chair and rests her elbows on her knees before she hides her face behind her hands. "I'm fine, Lucy. I promise. I'm working on getting back on track. It's… I don't want to get into it." She glances up at her friend, eyes growing wide as she pleads with the director. "Please let it go. I'm handling it." The reporter stands pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail. "I've gotta get into the office."

"Kara." The older woman stands making sure to keep her voice even but slightly more tender then it had been just moments prior. Something was going on and Lucy 'd be damned if she didn't she wasn't there for one of the only ones to give her a real chance at first. Someone who'd turned into one of the best friends Lucy had ever had. "Kara, wait."

The blonde pauses at the closed door, hand resting on the handle, she turns back to her friend. In that moment Lucy really didn't know what people were talking about when they compared Kara to a puppy because a puppy didn't even hold a candle to the sad eyes that the woman in front of her was giving. "Sit back down. The company would be really nice. I didn't exactly have a great couple of months in DC. Ok?"

"Ok. Okay. I'm sorry." She sits back into the chair carefully as she watches Lucy make her way back behind her desk. Kara didn't exactly know what she was apologizing for but she felt like she should anyway. She'd been on edge lately and she didn't really know why. It wasn't fair to her friends that she keep pushing them away for no reason. Just because she was defensive about something didn't mean she got to be a jerk.

Lucy just offered her friend a shrug. She knew telling Kara there wasn't anything to apologize for wouldn't help and if she knew Kara like she thought she did it'd only be about 5 minutes until the blonde started to open up about what had been on her mind. The lawyer felt a little guilty about using her friends tendencies to find out what was going on but she had a bad feeling in her gut about whatever it was. And if this was a way she could help Kara than that was exactly what she was going to do.

The associate director continued to type emails and finish up a couple of spreadsheets glancing over the top of her monitor every so often to check on the Kryptonian who had checked back out. About ten minutes after she'd sat back down Kara makes eye contact with Lucy as she checks on her again. So it was ten instead of five… big whoop. The lawyer gives the woman a soft smile before looking back at her screen. And three… two… one…

"Hey, Luce." Still got it. "There is… there is kinda something bothering me." No kidding, Sister. Lucy fights her first instinct to roll her eyes and shuts her laptop folding her hands and leaning over her desk just a little. "Remember when I text you on New Years?"

Oh, shit. "Yeah. Kara… there's nothing wrong with regretting decisions that you made. Ok? And there is nothing wrong with the decisions you made either. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to help and I know you probably aren't meaning to and it's easier said than done but forgive yourself. It still doesn't change who you are or what you stand for."

"I, uh, what if I didn't make a decision? What if… What if I… What if it… "

"Kara. Breathe. What are you trying to say?"

"I don't know. I… I don't know." Kara runs her hand over her face before standing up. The girl turns on her heel and for a moment Lucy thinks she's about to bolt but after two steps Kara turns again and starts pacing in her office. Oh boy. "We never talked about it after that morning when I text you and I'm so confused and hurt and I'm sorry I didn't text you about it again while you were away I was just trying to forget and I didn't know what to think."

"But now it seems like this one thing is everywhere and things are starting to make a little more sense." At least it seemed that way. Kara never noticed how many times there was sexual violence on TV or in movies. She always just kinds looked away, even at just regular intimate scenes now… now she couldn't move and it sent her into a dark place for at least a couple of hours. Or friends joking about stuff. Or hearing about it on the news... she couldn't get away from it. And after that talk with Alex… "At least I think they are and I just… I don't want it to. I really don't want it to because I still don't know totally what happened…"

"Kara, babe. I want to help you and I'm here for you if you want me to be. I mean it. But I'm a little confused here as to what you are trying to say."

Tense shoulders rise and fall in a quick but deep breath meant to help calm the blonde. Weather that helped or not Lucy isn't really sure but Kara sits back down and now her hands are playing with the bottom of her cardigan and the inside of her lip is pulled between her teeth. "Can I just tell you what happened and then you tell me what you think?"

Kara really didn't want to talk about it again. Never again. But she was driving herself mad. Going in circles. Alex and Maggie and Dr. Hamilton thought one thing and she just flat out thought they were wrong but she didn't know how to tell them. They wouldn't believe her anyway. If Kara didn't really remember anything from the first couple of days after it all felt like on big blur and she is pretty damn sure Alex jumped the gun on getting her "checked out."

Hell she didn't know what she believed herself or if she even had the story right in her own mind. Kara certainly leaned more toward the side that really pissed Alex off. The side that it was sex and nothing wrong happened except for Kara giving up on something she believed in. She'd give anything to ask Nick his side of the story because he'd been a lot more sober than she was so maybe he remembered better. And as illogical as it was Kara fully expected him to tell the truth. Right… like a guy would admit that yeah you didn't want it and I kept going. But Kara still wanted to know what he thought. Or maybe if there was some weird third party observer.

Lucy didn't really answer her question but just gave that soft kind of nod that really only Alex or Maggie ever gave her as she encouraged Kara to talk. So talk she did. She told Lucy what she told Alex, the more detailed version. And though it'd been literal months she stuttered over her words just the same. She was more calm though and tried to be more "objective" in her wording. She couldn't bring herself to look at Lucy and she couldn't make her hands stop fidgeting or make them stop sweating.

Eventually she finished though. She got through it and when Lucy neglected to say anything Kara took a breath for courage and looked up from her new favorite little speck in the carpet and instead of finding her friends eyes as they carefully observed as they always did she found Lucy staring down at her hands watching as she tapped her thumbs together in no rhythm at all. "...But I could be missing some things. I was pretty drunk and I don't remember everything so take that with a grain of salt."

Lucy wipes angrily at her face hoping to god that Kara hadn't seen the tear that just dropped to the paper calendar below her elbows. Lucy looked up at the hero after taking a couple of steadying breaths. Her eyes a little wetter than Kara had seen them pretty much ever. I told you to shower. I… I told you to shower. Is all she can think with near disbelief.

Kara didn't quite get why that would upset her friend so much. After all weren't they just two women talking about sex? That's all this was. Girl talk. "Kara." Lucy takes another breath as she fights the churning feeling in her stomach and tries to figure out how she should approach this. She's one of the woman's best friends but she's also the director of the DEO. The blonde glances away not wanting to see the look on Lucy's face that had taken residence there. Because it told her everything she didn't want to hear.

The office flashes red as an alarm sounds. "Fuck." Lucy checks the weapon at her hip as she stands and before she is done Kara is changed and ready to go. As the two walk into the command center with purpose, long strides and slight bounce in their stepp to support the pace Lucy turns her head toward her friend. "We are finishing this conversation. Ok? We'll talk. I promise."

"It's not important." Kara mutters as they approach the table Winn is leaning into with his hip as he balances his trusty computer on his arm.

"It's important." Lucy gives a squeeze to Kara's hand. You're pain is important Kara. Talking about this is important. I'm going to help you.

"What's important?" Win asks popping a bubble as he spins in his chair toward the two.

"Nothing."

"Don't worry about it." The two answer at the same time each shooting the other a look of warning. Kara telling Lucy not to tell a soul and Lucy trying to get through that aliens thick head that it is very much important even if she wouldn't tell anyone.

"Okay then." Winn types away in his laptop in the same motion as he leans over to place it on the table giving him access to type with both hands. "So we got a tinsy problem."

"Spit it out Winn." Lucy rolls her eyes as the 'hobbit' as Cat had described him starts to outline the problem with their robber friend. She always liked that description of her ex's best friend. The only thing keeping her from chuckling was seeing Kara go somewhere else pretty much as soon as Winn started talking. Lucy had no doubt that Supergirl hadn't heard a single word.

When Winn finished and Lucy started barking orders Kara's mind seemed to find her body again as she looked around confused for a moment. Lucy hadn't left her side but after she'd finished directing her people she turned to Kara who started to follow everyone out. "You're staying here."

"What, no. I'm coming with you." She seemed shocked at even the suggestion. Kara needed supergirl. Helping people and flying were the only things that distracted her enough to stop the feeling between her legs that seemed to always be there. The feeling that something was still happening.

"I'm sorry, Kara, but no. Please. Just go wait in my office. I'll be back soon. Don't fight me on this. You know you didn't hear a word that Winn just said. This threat is messing with people's minds and right now you don't need that."

Kara knew she was right. She hardly kept the panic at bay anymore and she had no doubt that any little push would abruptly end what little control she did have. She didn't have the energy to fight Lucy on this. Not after she'd just had the same argument with Alex a few hours ago. "Ok."

The hero shuffles back to Lucy's office, a little impressed with herself for staying in the moment long enough to actually get there as she sat back down in the chair. She tried not to scold herself too much when her eyes fluttered shut and she napped while the rest of the DEO took care of the problem.

At the crime scene Alex walks up to Lucy eyes searching the air and pretty much everywhere for the red cape to flutter in the wind and ease the panic rising in her chest. "Where's Supergirl?"

"My office." Lucy states calmly as Alex's eyes focus on her.

"What?" Initially the older sister eyes fill with concern growing a few sizes larger in shock. Kara wouldn't miss a crime scene. A split second later though Alex's shoulders slouch and her eyes soften in a defeated realization. "She told you."

The director nods "more or less."

"I can't believe you told her to shower." Alex says under her breath and suddenly the cold-ish shoulder she'd been getting since she returned to DC made a whole lot more sense.

"I didn't know. Alex. I didn't know. You have to believe me." She pleads having to fight back the tears again and this time finding it much harder even though a crime scene was way less acceptable to cry than her private office. "I had no idea."

The agent lets out a long breath as she reminds herself that it wasn't Lucy's fault. This was just more misdirected anger. And the look in her friend's eyes, Lucy felt beyond terrible. There was no need to make that worse. "Lucy don't blame yourself. There's no way you could have known with what Kara told you. I'm sorry this is just..."

"It's a lot."

"Yeah." Alex crosses her harms as the two women watch the DEO agents wrap up the crime scene. "She's not doing well. This morning I tried to talk her into getting some help but…"

"I'll do it."

"You'll what? Last I checked you were a lawyer not a therapist."

"Make her get help. Make her report it." The director lets out a breath. She hates that she has to. Technically she had to make it unrestricted but when Kara had started talking… Lucy wished she would have had the foresight to stop her. To tell her that even though they were best friends she still had to do this. She took an oath.

Alex should have too but Lucy got why she didn't. She was really close to not making Kara go herself but after talking to Alex they had to do something. "No. No. I'll do it."

"How bout we do it together? She's in my office right now. We can talk as soon as we get back. Just let me talk to her for a bit first. I'll shoot you a text when you should come in. Does that work?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry you got roped into this."

"Don't be ridiculous Danvers. I love your sister. I'm just sorry this happened." The agent mumbles her agreement and turns to check on her team. "Hey, Alex."

"Hmm?"

"Did they find anything, I'm assuming you took her in…. Did they find anything?"

"They got some male DNA and some photos of her injuries. It was pretty bad."

Lucy lets a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and has to fight the overwhelming urge to cry in relief. They'd gotten something. It wasn't much but at least it had been something. She didn't ruin this for Kara completely.

When Lucy makes her way back into the office she finds Kara, still in her suit, sleeping with her head on the associate director's desk. Her blonde curls fanned out across the glass table. "Please tell me you didn't drool on my paperwork."

"Hey," Kara sits up and wipes the corner of her mouth with the inside of her wrist. "Sorry Lucy. I didn't mean to -"

"Kara it's fine. Don't even worry about it. I'm glad you got some sleep." The Kryptonian nods and makes her way to the chair across from the Couch Lucy had taken a seat on. She really did enjoy her nice office when she got a chance to be in there. She just hated that this was a conversation that would be forever attached to it.

"You want to finish talking now, don't you?" Lucy give a short nod as she pursues her lips. Kara hated this. She hated that she had to tell Lucy. Even more so, she hated that Lucy had seemed to come to the same conclusion as everyone else.

Lucy felt bad for what she was about to do. She really did. She just wanted to get the information from Kara. She wanted to understand. There were some things she still needed to know, even after talking to Alex. "What did Alex say when you told her? I'm assuming you told her?"

"Yeah she came over and we talked." Kara lets her mind drift back to that awful day she'd been pretending hadn't happened for two months. The words just spill out and she can not understand why… she cannot understand why she can't just go on pretending. "I was pretty upset. Uh she made me come here and get um, checked out. She told me it wasn't uh, it wasn't sex. And uh yeah… then Maggie and her talked and yeah…"

"By "checked out" do you mean a SAFE kit was done?" Lucy pries gently. It's somewhat unusual and off-putting to the Kryptonian because if it was possible Lucy was the only person that was more pragmatic than Alex about a lot of things. More so than Maggie too.

Kara swallows past the lump in her throat. Here it comes. Here comes the judgement for getting one of those kits done when she didn't need too. Here comes the judgement for reacting this way after losing her virginity, something that shouldn't even matter at this age or in today's society. "Yeah."

The lawyer lets out a sigh of relief… relief? Why would Lucy be relieved?... Kara really didn't get that part. She'd been so prepared for a crooked half grin dripping with judgment. Not this… not Lucy still looking like she was using herself like a heavy bag. Alex got the same look when she was being particularly hard on herself. "Ok. That's, um, I'm glad."

As for Lucy even though she knew already, it was different hearing it come from Kara. The way she said it, so full of apprehension and embarrassment. It wasn't as though she didn't believe Alex when she'd told her but this was just different. Part of her was still worried that she'd ruined everything. "Do you know the difference between a restricted and an unrestricted report is?"

"What? Yeah. I sit through the training just like everyone else. Why?" Lucy knew damn well that no one paid attention to those. Hell she hadn't either until she'd become a Victims Advocate for one of her tours. It was a shame really. It was then she pulled her phone out and shot Alex a quick text. Nothing meaningful, really just a random letter.

Alex walked in the room with the decency of looking at Kara with a little bit of apology in those hazel eyes of hers. "Why is she in here?" She searches her friend's eyes knowing that whatever was about to happen was not going to be something she liked. What the hell had they talked already?

Alex takes a deep breath as she looks at Lucy. She received a nod to more forward. Damn Kara was about to be so upset. The look the two shared mad the air feel about a thousand times thicker for each of the individuals in the room and the silence that had become increasingly fragile with each passing second. Alex took a breath though and shattered that bitch like bull in a damn china shop. "I think you need to make a report."

"No way. No." Kara responds somehow without raising her voice. But she was so glad that it came out strong, with all the conviction she'd felt she'd lacked for the last few weeks. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I'm not doing that. I'm not going to ruin his life over this. Alex don't make me do this.

"Kara, legally I have to report this then it would be unrestricted. You don't want that." No kidding I don't want that Alex! The blonde really didn't need to hear how cowardly she was being for not reporting it. She didn't need to hear that he might do this to someone else. It was a violent thing. It was a bad situation that went too far. How many times did she have to say that it wasn't his fault for someone to believe her!?

"Are you shitting me? You are my sister! MY SISTER!" The blonde was breathing too hard to finish the thought. She felt too ambushed and backed into a corner to even get the words out of her mouth. If I can't go to you who the fuck can I go to, Alex!? You're supposed to be there! You're supposed to protect me! How could you do this?

Thank god for Lucy squeezing Alex. At this point the older sister didn't care if it made Kara feel a little isolated. She needed this. She needed to get help. She was slipping and Alex knew Kara didn't want that to happen. So if Alex needed a little support in doing this, she'd take it. Not to mention if anyone found out her and Lucy would be in a whole heap of trouble. "I'm technically in charge of you. Lucy too, especially her. But if you go and get help we won't say anything." Her sister just gaped at her like some sorta fish out of water. Immediately she loses her resolve and steps forward to comfort the blonde who is seconds away from either panicking, sobbing, or punching her… Alex really couldn't tell which. "I know. I know this is hard Kar but…"

"You don't know! Don't talk to me like I'm your sister if you're - if you're just going to - you don't get to go back and forth. Choose. You too Lucy. Are you my best friend or are you just Supergirl's supervision? You don't get to be both. Not like this."

"We don't have a choice." Lucy chimes in for the first time. "You are hurting Kara and there is only so much we can do to help with that. This doesn't change that we are here for you but you're fighting a losing battle. There's no shame in getting help. It is not weakness Kara. Not even close." Lucy stays where she is not wanting to crowed the woman who looks ready to snap if any more pressure is applied. The associate director wanted to keep talking, to make it clear that having the strength to ask for help was one of the more admirable things she could think of. She'd only wished that some of her friends and subordinates in the Army had reached out. Maybe a few more families wouldn't have a flag sitting on their mantle.

"Alex, please. Don't make me do this." Surprising enough to each woman in the room Kara's plea didn't come out as a broken whisper, but an even toned almost cold reply. It was past begging but Kara didn't know what to do. How could she report something she didn't think happened? How much harder and more complicated would that make things for her as she struggled to figure it out. Alex thought it'd help. That maybe it would finally convince her sister that what happened was awful and not even a little bit her fault. But for Kara, it only made it more so.

"I think it will be good for you." Alex plants herself firm against the door frame. If she didn't she'd fold… god she'd fold so quick it wasn't even funny. The pain she could see in Kara… it was tearing her apart. Alex did that. She'd done that to her little sister. The one she was supposed to protect at any cost. She'd broken the world's strongest hero.

"I'm fine! You don't get to decide what is good for me! Neither one of you!" Kara could deal with the no flying. She'd done that for years just fine. She could deal with others telling her what to do on some level. She worked for Cat Grant after all but to take this out of her hands… She wasn't going to let that happen. She'd be the one that would have to live with that, not them. She'd be the girl who made a false report. And on top of everything terrible she felt she'd become, she didn't want to be that too.

"Look either you go or I'm reporting it. If you go and make a restricted report the ladies in the office will have you sign some papers and get you some resources to start processing what happened. One of those is going to be a phycologist, it will be one of the ones we have here unless you want it to be someone else, but here they know the whole story of… well... you… so you won't have to go over that. But other than that no one will know. Lucy will get a "report" that someone was assaulted in her command, with the sex of the individual and if it was interagency or another type of "green on green" or if it was from someone outside the community. That is it. I do it and it's unrestricted there will be a full investigation launched and you won't be able to be anonymous anymore."

"Fine. Fine. I'll do it. I'll make the report." Kara holds her breath in hope that it will help her hold the tears off for just a while longer. She didn't want to cry. Not now. Not when Lucy and Alex were watching her so closely. Not when she was trying to convince them that she didn't need this.

"There's no reason to be afraid Kara." Alex didn't mean for it to come out as patronizing as it did. But Kara was starting to shake again, quiver where she stood. Alex could see her holding her breath and trying not to continue shaking but her body was betraying her. Again. And Kara couldn't figure out why it couldn't just listen for once. "There's no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Doing this is so brave." So Alex thinks I'm a coward for not doing this sooner. Great. Well she's not really wrong, is she? "I'll send Maggie with you if you want someone there. I'd be there if it wouldn't force you to-"

She cuts off her older sister, beyond being done with this conversation "I know. I know. Alex it's fine." It's not fine. This shouldn't be happening. And I can't believe you are making me do this.

"After that, I want you to go to at least 9 sessions with the therapist. The first two will be more intake type stuff. If you don't one of the two of us will report it." Lucy steps in to take the heat off of Alex. She really was just trying to do the right thing by her sister. She understood where Kara was coming from, she did, but this wasn't fair to put all on Alex either. "I'm...I'll give you two some time. I'm sorry Kara."

"No you're not." The blonde crosses her arms as her jaw tightens down on her back teeth.

"I know it doesn't seem like it but I am. I hope you can believe that."

Kara says nothing as her friend exits her own office to leave her and Alex to talk. Now that she was more angry at Lucy than her sister all her resolve gets lost as she lets out a deep breath. "How will I talk about it when I can't even say stuff out loud?" Kara lets herself fall back into the chair she had been sitting in earlier covering her face so she doesn't see Alex pull a chair close enough to put a hand on her knee comfortingly.

"It's going to get better, Kar. I know how hard you are fighting. I know you don't think anyone sees it but I do. I see you. This will just give you some tools to help fight it a little more effectively, ok? Like some of Winn's new gadgets that make our job easier. That's all. I talk to someone."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Have been for a while now. We've been through some shit, Kar. And fighting a bittle blind and outgunned is no way to do it. So I promise you, I promise, there is absolutely no shame in getting the tools you need to help. None. And there is no shame in needing tools either." She pulls Kara into an awkward hug and the littlest Danvers just lets it happen.

If Alex did it it must not be that bad so she lets herself get pulled in. Tucking her cheek against Alex's shoulder she mumbles "I'm still mad at you" into her black pullover.

"I know. I can live with that. " And she could. As long as Kara was getting help and starting to process this and maybe start to feel a little better she could most definitely live with that. "I love you, Kara."

"Love you too."


	5. Chapter 5

**AN -**

 **Hey guys so this chapter makes me nervous to put out there just like any chapter for this fic but this one even more so. Please, please, please let me know what you guys think. Or if this is even something you want to be reading.**

 **Thinking about putting stuff back on ao3 too, so if you have thoughts lmk.**

 **Anyway thanks for sticking with this fic and my writing for those of you who have.**

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No, Kara, you've already showered three times today. That's your limit. The young Kryptonian cringes as she fights to push the crawly feeling over her skin deep down into her chest. Somewhere it can't get out. The black hole of her soul, or so it seems to be anymore. There really is no way to describe the feeling that occupies the nerves of her skin. It makes her want to start rubbing them, washing them, and never stop. She feels it more often than she doesn't anymore and it takes all of her focus and willpower not to indulge herself or let herself give in to the illusion.

However, when her rear feels raw and sore and stretched and her um… when down there feels tingly and open- not in a good way, and she swears she can feel it happening again. To the point her stomach feels nauseous like it's being pushed upward from her most private opening. Sometimes it just hits her out of nowhere. Walking the hall at the DEO or CatCo. It instantly makes her knees buckle and her legs turn to jell-o. Only for a split second, she never fell over, but her knees collapsed enough to look weird if anyone was paying any attention. Which they weren't… obviously.

Nothing particular had happened today to bring this on. Not anyone looking at her just a little to long. No comments. No rape or sex jokes. No touches. Nothing. But today was just one of those days. She'd been off from the very get-go. Maybe she'd had a nightmare. She really didn't know… she didn't think she dreamt anymore. Her nightmares weren't even about what happened. The were her getting fired from CatCo or "kicked out" of the DEO all for different reasons each time she had the dream. Those were the worst nights.

Maybe it'd be more obvious, more believable, if she'd be having nightmares about what happened, or even flashbacks. The vivid ones like everyone talks about. At least then she'd have a reason for her knees to buckle or for her to completely lose time when she zoned out. But she didn't her mind would go almost completely blank. She couldn't even remember thinking.

Nonetheless, her rear-end was just this side of uncomfortable, her skin was crawling, she felt like someone was touching her… well touching her. You know… like that. And the insides of her thighs felt all wrong, similar to the way her breasts just didn't feel right. She felt tainted. Dirty.

What Kara didn't know is what she was experiencing were flashbacks. They were what professionals called "body memories" and she was having them but her brain would go blank still trying to protect her. Because as highly as she was still functioning, despite her thinking otherwise, she wasn't dealing with this and it was killing her. Because she was truly, in every sense, _traumatized,_ by what happened that night. Even if she wouldn't let herself believe it.

Part of her wanted to get into fresh clothes. She wanted to wrap up in several blankets in her favorite spot on the couch so she'd be as covered as possible. Because on top of everything she felt exposed.

And that made her feel like she never wanted to take the clothes she had on off again. But even these clothes felt dirty and irritating where they brushed against her skin. As she battled with herself going between feeling disgusting and way to exposed eventually the dirty feeling wind out. So despite already showering twice today… She relents.

Her water is paid for, thank god for signing leases early. Finally moving from her living room to the bathroom, her feet shuffling against her floor the whole way. She breathes a couple of times before turning the water on, flinching as the spout stutters/sputters to life-the water initially cold before turning to the streaming comfort she now relishes.

Kara takes about 5 minutes, maybe longer, to talk herself into taking her clothes off, still not wanting to be any kind of naked as she stands to the side of the shower and watches already steaming water pouring out of her shower head. Come on, stupid. Just do it.

Deep breath.

Ok, on 5…

Deep breath. 1.

Deep breath. 2.

Deep breath. 3.

Deep breath 4.

Deep breath. Go.

Nothing.

She doesn't move. Not an inch.

Ok, on 10.

She continues breathing as she counts. TEN. GO. Rockets across her mind. She hesitates for a split second before sucking in a shallow breath and super speeding out of her clothes she finds herself in the shatter the warm water hitting her skin.

Letting out a sigh of relief, she had done it, she had gotten out of her clothes and in her shower, she did it. As she relaxes under warm water it stops feeling like the water is extra irritating to her sensitive skin and just soothing as the water pressure seems to lessen. It doesn't. Nothing changes. But Kara lets her shoulders, now probably up by her ears sag as she breathes, standing there for a while and allowing the hot water to pinken her skin and thud against her back. The steam feeling almost like a blanket around her.

Then it's the order that has become so routine.

Shampoo. Rinse. Conditioner. Body wash. Shave. Body wash. Rinse. Sugar scrub. Rinse. Body wash with loofah. Rinse. Body wash. Rinse. Rinse Conditioner. Body wash. Face Wash. Rinse.

But instead of ending there the feeling remains as her skin still feels so damn raw and open and if she closed her eyes form more than a blink she is afraid she will see it. Afraid she will be back there.

She still didn't have flashbacks. Not really. Not yet. But she often felt it happening over and over again. Felt herself being stretched open in the worst, most disgusting, wrong, way. She could feel it, and right now she didn't know if she was grateful or not that she couldn't see it.

So she grabs the scrub again and the loofah and goes to work on her arms. Knowing damn well she is very clean and she should stop and that she's been in the shower longer than anyone should. She continues anyway. Incapable of denying this to herself.

She doesn't panic. Never. She feels her heart rise in her chest. She feels it beat more rapidly than any heart should. She tells herself to breathe and she presses forward. It's constant. This cycle. Feeling the panic rise from her rapidly beating heart into her throat. Stopping whatever she was doing. Making herself breathe till it goes away. It's exhausting but she doesn't panic. Because at least with how everything was going, how she felt, at least she wasn't having panic attacks.

That's what she told herself. But the thing is… Kara had no idea what anything even pertaining to mental health or possible symptoms of what happened were. She felt like things were happening to her but she thought she could fight to stay in the moment and breathe through rising panic. So far it was working. It was exhausting and awful but at least it was working.

She doesn't cry either. Only once. Only that first day. She read somewhere to never let yourself cry about the same thing more than once. Cry and move on if you even have to cry at all. So she doesn't cry. She feels her eyes burn and flood and it's almost like they are drowning in the un-shed tears but she looks up at the ceiling or she chokes back that emotion and. She. Doesn't. Cry. She won't let herself. Her cheeks feel stiff like she does. Her eyes burn like she does. Hell her eyelids and lashes even feel stiff like she does. It's so confusing. She feels like she's crying all the time but she knows, knows, it's been months since she'd shed a tear. Even though sometimes she wakes up with crystallized tear tracks on her cheeks.

She doesn't break down. Nope. She feels the emotion pressing outwardly against her chest. She even has to brace her hands on her desk or her hips or anything to hold herself up, physically, so she can metaphorically or emotionally or whatever, keep upright and push the feeling down. She swallows the emotion, physically too. It helps. Then she clenches her jaw, tight tight tight. She focuses on the way her teeth fit perfectly together. The way her jaw flexes around them. The way she has to let her head drop for a moment before she stands back straight and opens her eyes back up, rolling her shoulders back from where they had her chest feeling like it was almost concave. A slight relaxation before she pushes the breakdown deep into some part of her she hopes, to everything she has ever believed in, never surfaces. And she moves on. She keeps pushing. Forward. Always forward.

So, if she had to let herself do something… if she had do let this manifest in some way. She could live with taking an extra long shower and finishing off her third bottle of soap in two weeks. She could do that. Doing that may be an extra strain on this planet's water supply but it cost her very little. She could shower and scrub and continue to push all those other things down. Doing this made it less hard to push that other stuff down, and she desperately needed to do that. SO… she let herself indulge.

Just this once.

Just this one last time.

Alex walks into her little sisters apartment to the shower running. Again. She was always cleanly, hygienic, but now… now she showered multiple times a day without needing too. Usually it took her sister 15-20 minutes. Despite her sister's super speed she always did like to take a long shower. It drove Alex nuts when they were growing up, hell, it drover her a little crazy now. Kara always had more hair than her, she would give her that, but seriously. A long shower for Alex was like Kara's norm. Especially after the DEO… Alex took 5 minutes to shower, max. Though her long showers were more out of necessity now, needing the warm water to soothe aching muscles as she aged, or needing it to actually scrub away that days dirt, grime, alien filth, and god forbid blood. Noting the time Alex sits on the couch and waits.

25 and 30 minutes tick by.

Then 35 minutes.

Then 40.

45.

That's the last Alex will take as she walks into her sisters bathroom, worried sick for her. She sees the silhouette of her sister through the frosted glass of the sliding shower door. She watches as Kara scrubs hard at her chest and her arms reaching for more soap. The blonde throws the empty bottle into the corner of the shower. As it bounces off the tile the older sister fights tears back from her eyes as she lets out a heavy sigh and pinches the bridge of her nose. Oh, Kara.

She slides the shower door back and steps in. Kara, through her eyes are open they study her chest with such an empty kind of intensity. She doesn't even notice as she scrubs at non-existent filth on her sternum. Her neck. Her forearm. Her skin now an angry red from the super-scrubbing.

Alex bites back any reaction she might have otherwise had as she steps under the now lukewarm stream of water, her shirt and pants sticking to her as she places gentle hands on her sister's arms urging them to drop to her sides. "Hey, Kar. You're ok. You're clean."

She gently pries the now shredded loofah from the long fingers of her sister and carefully lays it on the little shelf where Kara keeps it. "I've got ya." Kara looks up at her, Alex isn't even really sure if Kara actually sees her or not because before they can even really make eye contact Kara looks away from her to study her rapidly healing raw flesh. "I've got ya."

Tears well up in those bright blue eyes gone wide as they finally _actually_ see Alex in there with her and Alex opens up her arms to her little sister habitually. Pulling the young Kryptonian into her now drenched body a protective arm slides around Kara's back as the other holds the back of Kara's head pressed deep into her shoulder. Kara's arms loop tightly around her waist. Sometimes, Alex thinks she might have permanent imprints on her torso from where her sister's arms wrap around her. Alex lets her stand there a while, long enough the water warms back up a little bit and grows too hot for Alex's human heat tolerance. Slowly Alex guides her sister out of the shower turning it off as she does.

She parts momentarily to grab a towel for Kara. Wrapping Kara up and continuing to hug her Alex eases her down to sit on the toilet seat. After Kara relaxes a little bit and her heart rate settles Alex hurries to change into a set of dry clothes she keeps at Kara's.

She changes as quickly as she can tossing her clothes into a sopping pile in the corner of the room. Those could wait. Now she needed to be here for Kara. She just wished she knew what she could do to help. She felt so damn helpless. No one tells you what to do to comfort someone after this happens. No one tells you how to make this better. All Alex can seem to find is advice to "be there" to "do what they need" and that "everyone was different."

All she wanted was ideas. Ideas on some things that might help. She had tried everything she could think of. She gave Kara some space. She tried not to leave her alone. She held her. She just sat with her. She tried to check in, but she didn't know if Kara wanted that or not. Alex had no idea.

Worst of all even is that Kara didn't know either. Kara wasn't even close to a place where she knew what she needed or had any idea of what she even wanted. Part of her thought that she wanted someone to care. To check in. To not believe her when she said she was fine. The other part of her just wanted to get back to normal. To get everyone off her back. For. one. Damn. d. Kara wished she knew what would help her. She needs help. She knows she does. She is breaking and she feels like this is killing her.

Kara wraps the towel around her shoulders a little tighter trying to ground herself in the feeling of the cloth against her skin. It's not exactly working. Outside of her best efforts Kara still feels like her attention is slipping away. Like as hard as she is trying to stay put in the moment it just isn't happening.

Nothing.

Feels nothing.

Sees nothing.

Thinks about nothing.

Nothing at all until Alex is there crouching in front of her perch on the closed toilet seat. Alex's hands warm on the outsides provide that extra little tug back down to reality. Kara adjusts her eyes so they actually see her sister in front of her. Those chestnut eyes carefully appraising her state. "I'm sorry." Kara mutters closing her eyes slowly with a long exhale only to open them again as the new oxygen fills her lungs. "Alex I'm sorry. I-"

"No, Kara. Hey. Don't be sorry." The older sister's thumbs rub the outside of her knees just a little bit pleading with Kara to just look at her. Kara hadn't even realized she'd shifted back to not really seeing anything. God, what would she do with Alex? Because even when Kara didn't even know what she needed Alex always seemed to. "I'll get you some clothes and we will just hang out, ok?"

Forgetting her current state of undress Kara abruptly goes to stand up realizing what time it was "but work and…" She did need to go into work. Cat was starting to grow suspicious of something going on. It wasn't two weeks ago the called Kiera into her office to give her a lecture on compartmentalization. What surprised her when she went to apologize to Snapper claiming that she was trying to be better with compartmentalizing her troubles he said not to worry about it and that no one was really all that good at it anyway. He just wished her well and told her that he hoped whatever it was would get better real soon.

She really needed to go to work.

And supergirl.

Rao, supergirl. That was a whole other challenge.

Calling Kara yet again back to her bathroom Alex moves her thumb again against the outside of Kara's knee. "Nope. We are taking the rest of the day."

Kara doesn't know why but "Ok" comes of her mouth faster than she can even think to protest. She didn't know why but this off feeling she had would make work impossible today. She didn't know what all Alex could do at home to help her either though. She just didn't want to leave her apartment.

If she was being honest she wanted to simply waste away. Maybe try sleeping. She slept better during the day now, when it was light out. Which was weird because it wasn't like she was having nightmares or that she was scared of the dark or anything. She just couldn't ever fall asleep. During the day though, she'd be out like a light. And for having trouble sleeping she had a strange desire to never get out of bed again.

"Ok, you get clothed and I'll call in." Alex softly patted her sister's knees as she stood up helping Kara with a hand though she knew the alien didn't need one. She was quite surprised actually about the lack of protest and she supposed that Kara was as well. Though Kara nodded and walked right past Alex like she didn't exist.

She let out a long sigh as she pulled her phone from her back pocket and adjusted her jeans from where they had slid down from her little crouch. She habitually chews her lip as the phone rings leaning back against the edge of the vanity and burying her hand in her pocket. She was almost surprised when her friend picked up on the first ring. "Hey Lucy, Kara and I are going to take the day."

"Is she ok?"

"Yeah, just keep me posted. Obviously if there is an emergency call us in."

"Ok, will do. Take care of her, Danvers. Let me know if you guys need anything."

"Oh yeah I got it. Thanks Lucy."

The oldest sister takes another deep breath as she talks herself into calling Kara's boss. She was grateful to have Cat Grant's number but she always hated needing to use it. _"Agent Danvers? Is everything alright? It is a terribly strange time for a crisis with Supergirl."_

Well, not really. "Yeah, hey Cat. Nothing with Supergirl. Kara is really sick and won't be able to come in today. She should be in tomorrow. She wanted me to tell you she's sorry and that she'll work from home."

 _"Kiera doesn't get sick."_

"I know."

 _"It must be bad then."_

"Yes…"

 _"Tell Kara I hope she is feeling better."_

"Thank you, Cat." Alex smiles at the fondness behind her sister's bosses voice. Alex is pretty sure that Cat knows exactly who her sister is. And she is also pretty sure that Cat is actually really concerned. A part of her has almost encouraged Kara to talk to Cat about what is going on. An older woman's perspective might be helpful, especially someone Kara respected so much.

"Hey sis, all taken care of." Alex carefully observes Kara as she slides into her favorite over-sized sweater. It takes a second as Kara's hands shake. Alex can't watch it any longer so she steps behind her sister and guides the soft cardigan over Kara's shoulders before leading her to the couch and wrapping her in a fuzzy blanket. The younger Danvers doesn't make a sound as she curls up in the blanket, tucking the familiar cloth below her nose.

Kara doesn't even register that her sister had left the room until she returns with two mugs of hot chocolate and yet another gentle smile. It takes a second for Kara to accept the extended mug but when she finally does Alex slides next to her on the couch. "I hate this. I feel so weak"

"You are not weak. Kara. Not even close." Alex slides an arm around the shoulders of her little sister as has already started shaking a little bit. She takes a second to press her nose into Kara's temple, trying desperately to convey just how wrong her sister is.

"I should be fine. I should be better than this. Nothing even happened." Kara pulls away from her sister's comfort after wanting nothing more than to never leave her embrace. She wants to stay there and let Alex comfort her. She needs it. But it makes her sick to her stomach that she doesn't even deserve it. Nothing happened. She is like this for no reason. Letting Alex think that is the worst kind of lie.

"Kara you know that… You know that that's not true. Deep down, I know you know that." She wanted to reach out and grab Kara by the shoulders and shake her till she gets it. Till she sees it. Alex lets Kara lean away against her better judgement as Kara is still shaking. Pressing forward as if it were known and accepted that what happened, happened, Alex steadies herself for another impending argument. "Kara, a lot of girls, when this happens... they drop out or take an LOA."

Kara stiffens beside her. "I'm not doing that. I can't." She'd be lying if she would say that she hadn't thought about stepping away. Kara wasn't suicidal. But she just wanted to disappear. She didn't want to be around her life anymore. Disappear. Go somewhere like an island or a beach. Where she can live in a little shack or on a run down boat and just be an anonymous face. No one to know who or what she is. But she can't. She never would be able to. "I don't get that option."

"Why not?" Alex didn't really think that taking time off of anything would do her sister any good. She might not really be capable of performing at the moment but Kara needed something to help her keep going. There was a reason that Alex told her "I need you to breathe" or "I need you to -fill in the blank." Kara would do anything for just about anybody even when she wasn't capable of doing it for herself. Because as messed up as it might be, having these certain responsibilities was keeping Kara going and Alex didn't know what would happen if Kara didn't have that.

"People are counting on me! Everyone is always counting on me! I can't just… I'm not going to let this affect my life. I'm not." It was. It already was. Kara couldn't admit it. Hell she couldn't even get past not saying anything, about how she just laid there and let it happen. She recognized, finally, that she didn't consent, however she couldn't admit that this wasn't somehow on her.

"Kara you have got to take care of yourself." The words sound so wrong coming out of her mouth. It wasn't exactly like Alex was the best at taking care of herself either. She kept pushing over and over until she she could forget or convince herself that she forgot what ever it was that was bothering her. But she hadn't been through this. She didn't have something so vital to her identity stripped from her like Kara had.

And Alex was a reformed woman. Maggie, made it so. She took care of herself now and for it she was so much better at her job. Not that it was the reason to take care of herself. But it helped. When Alex didn't want to, the simple fact of knowing that taking care of herself let her better take care of others… it helped. Now Kara just needed the same lesson.

Kara was pacing now in front of where Alex still sat on her couch. Her arms jumped out to the sides as she addressed her older sister her voice raising as her emotions got the best of her. "I don't get to do that! The second, the second, I put on that suit it was no longer about me. You understand that."

Alex heard the undertone suggestion there too. The suggestion that Kara should have been able to protect herself. She knew how to fight, even without her powers, she was the equivalent of at least a blackbelt in a couple of disciplines of martial arts. Alex had done some research online, looked at message boards of women who had gone through similar things as Kara. Ones who also wore uniforms, ones who also knew how to defend themselves. Cops. Soldiers. Marines. Sailors. Federal Agents. Ones who were very capable of defending themselves as well as others. Most of their sentiment was also the same as they struggled to reconcile what happened to them to what most of their days consisted of.

Some even struggled with what their male counterparts would say of them if they knew. Some male colleagues- though a very small minority - who already questioned their ability to do a "man's job", would immediately allow this to confirm their suspicions and maybe make that minority just a little bigger. At least Kara didn't have people comparing her to her cousin in that manner, at least she hadn't cared to even listen for that sentiment.

Alex didn't want to say that it made it worse. Not that it wouldn't be just as hard for other women to deal with this but it made it different. Just different that's all. Learning to defend herself wouldn't give Kara any piece of mind or any added sense of security. It wouldn't help her take her life back. She already knew how and she didn't even think to use it. And that didn't make any sense to the Kryptonian. Here she was knowing how to fight and doing nothing, so in her head, on some level she must have wanted it. She must have. Why else wouldn't she use her knowledge.

Alex gave Kara a moment to yell and get her frustrations out because as much as these kinds of fights manifested between her and her sister she knew that Kara was having these fights in her own head almost every second of every day. Now was not the time to tackle that particular demon, however. "Yeah, but I also understand that if I'm not ok then I can't do my job."

"Alex, please get off my back about this. I'm fine." Kara's about to break, that particular request, the one to get off her back, only comes when she's about two buttons away from being pushed right over the edge. Alex set her jaw and stood to address her still fiery sister. Kara felt a sense of dread spreading through her gut as she knew that Alex was not about to heed her warning.

Alex presses forward having every intention on letting Kara into the loop that she doesn't think she needs a leave of absence in a little bit. As for right now though, she needs to prove a point. "And if you stop for even one second you're going to be not fine, right? That's the problem. It's going to hit you eventually."

"Oh it does. Every day. But I don't have time to not be ok."

"Sure you do."

"Stop. Ok? Please just stop." There it is. So maybe it was only one more button to push. Kara was exhausted and this wasn't helping. She was crashing and quick. The fire initially behind her words was pretty much gone. Now her eyes just looked clouded over. Kara wondered if Alex could see the way the skin under her eyes felt so heavy. The way it felt like it would droop off her skull at any moment.

"Look, Kara. I don't think taking a leave of absence would be good for you. I don't think that's something that would help." At that moment the fight left Kara. It was almost a relief. She sank back down into the couch letting out a breath along with the idea that Alex thought she was weak and pathetic and no longer capable of doing her job. Kara was already thinking it but having Alex confirm that with the suggestion of an LOA was painful to say the least.

"Then why -"

Alex sat slowly across from her sister on their couch. The couch where they had all the tough conversations. The couch where they comforted each other. This was going to hurt, Alex had been waiting to bring it up, it'd been about a month since their chat in Lucy's office. "But I did schedule you for an appointment with mental health."

"YOU WHAT!? ALEX. I told you I'd do."

"You're spinning. I see it Kara. Maggie sees it. You're hardly holding on." Alex gave herself credit. She hadn't let her voice crack around Kara until this point but the pain behind Kara's eyes... she couldn't take it anymore.

She tried to ignore the crack in Alex's voice. The wordless plea to just let her help. She knew Alex was at the end of her rope too. She was running out of ideas on ways to help her. And there was that conversation in Lucy's office. Kara guessed they had to follow through on that at some point. She just wished they would give her just a little bit more time. "You think I don't know that? But I'm keeping it together, Alex. I don't…. Please. Talking about it will make it worse."

"It's been a month since you me and Lucy talked. It's time Kara." She puts her hand on her little sister's knee, thankful that the tension had left the room. Now it just felt broken. Alex knew she needed to be gentle. "If not for yourself do it for me. Kara I'm worried for you. I know you won't do anything juristic... I know you aren't there. I don't want you to ever even flirt with getting to that point. But I'm still _so_ worried. You... even though something isn't literally killing you doesn't mean it's not worth seeking out help. Just because you can get through it, suffer through the tough times on your own... Kara you don't _have to_. Please just try five sessions. You do that I'll never bring it up again."

"I've tried.. To schedule one, you know." Kara looks back up to her sister from where she had been studying the floor. Part of her was so relieved that Alex had helped her. Had taken that step for her. She really had been trying and she could never find the strength to press that button and do it herself.

"Yeah, Sis. I know. I've seen the same tab on your computer for two weeks now. I wasn't creeping, I swear." Alex takes the opportunity to pull Kara back into her embrace. "I'm just worried, Kara. But it's going to be ok."

"I'm sorry… It's just-"

"You're scared, Kara. It's ok. And it might get worse before it gets better. It might. But the way things are going now, Kara you can't keep going like this. Showering like that. The panic attacks. You fighting so hard to just stay in the moment. Kara it's killing you. So I need you to fight. Not the way you have been... but it'll still be fighting. This isn't you giving up. I need you to do the hardest thing in the world, and talk about what happened."

Kara accepted her sister's plea with a nod. Now that they had addressed _that_ the rest of the day would be put to much better use of Kara resting because she was stinkin' exhausted. And she just needed a little bit to not think about it or about how much she was letting everyone in her life down.

At least she would have today.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN -**

 **Hey guys, sorry for the late update. I was out of the country for a bit and didn't take any technology with me. I need to get away from it all for a min sometimes.**

 **This chapter goes into more recovery stuff. Not everyone's experience is this way but it felt true to the story to go down some of the little roads I have with this chapter. If you have any questions or just want to talk about anything going on please don't hesitate to PM me. I'd be more then happy to talk to you. Especially if something like this has happened and you feel like you have no one in your corner. Please. If I can be that for you then by all means let me know.**

 **I'm a little worried for this chapter as well so if you all would kindly let me know what you guys think I would really, really appreciate it as I work on the next chapter.**

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The next day Kara was in Lucy's office again. Hanging out like usual when she noticed her friend put down the top of her laptop as she carefully observed Kara for a moment. "I have the contact information for you of the woman who works down in the SAPR office. Her names is Barb Taylor. She's down there all day."

"Lucy."

"It's time, Kara."

"I have an appointment at Mental Health next week."

"That's good." Lucy gives her a little smile. "But that was only half of the deal. You need to make a report. It's fine if it's restricted, but you need to make one."

"You… you really want to cover your ass with this huh? Unbelievable." Kara clenches her jaw again her eyes growing cold. She couldn't believe after the few conversations the two of them have had that she would continue to press this. How on earth could Kara report something that she didn't think even happened. How should she get a guy in trouble for something she did. Or rather, didn't do. He couldn't have known. How could she possibly report him for something he didn't even do?

That was so messed up. SO messed up. It was beyond that. It was just plain wrong. How could she do such a thing like that to anyone. She'd never be able to live with herself. For what? For ruining this guy's life. For a mistake she made. For her inability to open her damn mouth and say stop.

"Kara, that's not it and you know it." Kara slowly clenches her fist where her hand rests on top of her knee. _What a lie_. She couldn't believe that Lucy had the audacity to sit her and pretend... "Wait, Kara, you know that don't you?"

"No. I don't. I don't see why it is so important. I'm talking to someone, why isn't that good enough?" _Why can't that be good enough? I'm doing the best that I can, Lucy… Don't you see that?_ Kara meant it to come out harsher than it it did. Defiant. Maybe a little angry. Instead she when those words slip from her lips as a plea with her friend- her boss - a plea to not make her do this. And god it sounds just as pathetic as Kara feels. "Lucy… I thought we were friends. I thought you actually cared about _me_. Not about some stupid protocol or covering your ass. I thought you cared. I thought you were family."

If only she would have kept her mouth shut. Googled what to do to instead of asking Lucy and Alex. Hell one step further, if she hadn't gone to that party in the first place she wouldn't be here now. This was her fault. All of it.

Because just the thought of talking to someone about it. About needing _professional help_ … It was just on this side of overwhelming. And the thought about officially _telling_ someone that was way past overwhelming. Even if it was supposedly anonymous.

"Kara, listen to me." Lucy sits next to her friend on the couch in her office. God she still hoped Kara still considered her a friend after all this. Hearing those words from Kara stung, a lot. All she wanted to do was be there for the hero. Her friend. Hell her family. But this was the way she knew how. If Kara reported this then maybe she'd actually start to believe what happened to her. It would be good for her, in the long run. "I know you are doing what you can to keep your head above the water. And I'm really glad you're going to start talking to someone but this is something you have to do." _Shit Lucy, that's not much better. You can't lose her. She still needs you. She's still one of your best friends._

"Before you say anything… It's hard to explain why this is something you have to do. I wish to god that I could put it into words for you, Kara. Please, believe me that I'm trying to help you. I care. God Kara I care so much. This is killing me too. I hate this. And I am so sorry that you haven't felt like I care or like I'm in your corner. It breaks my heart. I'm going to be better. I'm going to try to be better about showing you. I promise."

The associate director takes a breath before continuing on. Whether or not Kara believed her wasn't something she could really think about right now. "A restricted report is anonymous. Therefor the guy that did this won't be punished. There won't be a trial. There won't even be an investigation. They are going to take down a statement from you. You don't even have to tell them everything that happened. You sign a couple of dotted lines, they notify me and J'hon that someone in the command was assaulted, they tell us if it was blue on blue, or green on blue, or a civilian. That's it. It gets recorded. You can turn it into an unrestricted report at any time. At that time an investigation would be launched. Not before."

"By doing this, you get it on paper in case you ever decide to move forward. You are so strong, Kara, and not just in the way you can lift a building. This is one way you can take control of what happened. As scary as it is and as much as you don't think you should do it it might help and it's worth a shot. I can tell you, as a lawyer, that if anyone were to have told me the same story of what happened that night I would be advising them the same way. What happened wasn't ok. Not even a little bit. I know you are still struggling to come to terms with that. I know you don't believe someone could do that and that this is somehow your fault. It's not Kara and I'm going to keep telling you that till you believe it yourself. I love you dude and I'd do anything for you. I know you might hate me for this, I can accept that, because in my heart of hearts I think this is going to help."

Kara hated how she would do anything for her friends, if they asked it of her. She'd do this too. As much as it made her sick to her stomach and want to never leave her apartment ever again. At least now she, a least a little bit, believed Lucy when she said she cared. When she said she wasn't just doing this to make sure she didn't get in trouble no matter how much it might have felt like that. The women before her was nearly in tears as she pleaded with Kara. That wasn't something the associate director would be doing if she didn't care past following protocol. "She's down there right now?"

"Yes." Lucy nods and tilts her head to the side as she considers her friend's shift. Kara's hands were shaking. Her breathing was shallow. She still felt like she couldn't do this. She still felt week. She honestly didn't even know how she got those words out without her voice breaking. "I can call Maggie to go down with you, you know she will. She's not a part of the Department. It might be good to have someone with you."

"No. No I can do it." Her hands were starting to shake even worse as she folded them into her lap. Her throat was becoming very tight again. When she looked back up from where she had been studying her hands tears are close to spilling over her bottom eyelid. She wipes angry at her eyes looking to Lucy. "I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for this. I'm trying, Lucy. I promise I'm trying so hard."

"I know. I'm so proud of you Kara." Lucy pulls her friend into a hug. She felt Kara's shaking hands against her back as the other woman held on tight and tucked her head down into her shoulder. She couldn't even imagine what this must feel like for her. All the "victims"/survivors she had met with as a VLC was after they had already taken these steps. It wasn't always smooth sailing but this wasn't a client who needed her help. This was Kara and she wasn't a lawyer right now. She couldn't focus on her job and doing what she could in the confines of her job to help. This was so much more than that. Lucy just hoped the blonde would forgive her eventually.

Kara pulls away after a few minutes, more numb now than she had felt in a long time. And she had been going through the motions for months now. She felt like going alone and doing this now was a way she could prove that she was strong. That she was stronger than _this._ She didn't know who she was trying to prove that to though, Lucy or herself. So going with the numb internal approach like she had been seemed like the way to go. She had been doing this for three months to be exact. It was a little insane, how little she actually recalled from the year already. She didn't even register the words from her friend as she made her way down to the office.

It was just as Lucy said it would be. The lady was very nice. She walked her through the paperwork and was really comforting. Hell when Kara's hand was shaking to hard to sign the paper at the first section requiring her signature. She was stopped with a wave of a hand over Kara's and warm smile walking through what she was signing one more time. Giving Kara time, just a little more time, to collect her nerves. It helped a little bit, and the best part was that she just carried on not calling attention to Kara's hesitation.

Eventually, though, it was finished. And after that, Kara… Kara didn't talk to anybody. She went right back to her apartment, stuffed the reading material and a copy of all the paperwork the lady had given her in the junk drawer in the kitchen where no one would find it. At least that's what she hoped. It's not like anyone came over anymore anyway. And with that thought she crawled into bed and curled up utterly exhausted from the day. She sent a text to Lucy to confirm that it was done but she had turned her phone off before she could get a response, not really ready to hear about Lucy's pride in her or any of that. Nothing, nothing, about today felt strong or praiseworthy. Not a single damn thing.

It'd been exactly one week since she signed those papers to the moment she stood in front of white metal doors. Kara's hand shakes as she reaches for the handle on the door. It's a room tucked back in the corner of the medical wing. To get there you have to go up this little half flight of stairs. It's impossible to find really which is good. Kinda. Because then no one knows you're back there. But also it's bad because if anyone sees you back there they probably know where your destination is.

Mental Health.

So Kara's hand shakes as she stands outside of the door to the waiting room not quite capable of walking it. It's stupid. It's the easiest thing in the world. To open a door. She knows it is stupid and yet she still stands there. Much longer and she might be late to her appointment which would honestly be fine with her if she wasn't so worried about that getting back to Alex somehow.

Kara wraps her arms around herself as she tries to take a few deep breaths when a soft voice pulls her from her spiral "Hey Danvers 2."

"Susan." Kara's voice squeaked much to her further embarrassment. She didn't think she would see anyone she knew that well back here. Sure maybe a random agent or something but someone she spent a significant amount of time with. One of her sister's best friends.

"Hey. Relax, kid." The woman next to her turns so their shoulders are parallel, a sympathetic look of understanding flashes in a smile. "First time here?"

"Ye-yeah." Her throat suddenly dry Kara had to start over as her voice choked itself out half way through her first attempt.

"Having trouble walking in?" The Kryptonian nods, her eyes burning as she pleads with herself not to start crying out her in the middle of this stupid stairwell. At least not in front of Susan Vasquez. Without offering any more words of comfort Susan reaches out herself and opens the door. She holds it open and does an "after you" motion with her hand. "Go on, superstar."

Usually Kara hated her sister's friends little nickname for her. Well hated was a strong word… she was annoyed by it. Now, though, the sense of normalcy was a comfort. As she walked in soft music played in the background. In front of the few waiting chairs was a coffee table with scattered half finished adult coloring book pages and little pamphlets about random mental health conditions. The lady at the front desk gives her a smile and hands her a tablet giving her instructions to complete the "intake survey." It had questions on it about things on a scale of 1-5. Other random stuff about her family. Some fill in the blanks. It took her about 15 minutes.

When she finally handed the tablet back to the lady at the front desk she sat back down and got lost back in her head. She busied herself with picking at her cuticles. A familiar voice pulls at her again from where it came from across that coffee table from where Kara sat. "Trying to see how long you can hold your breath? I think using super powers is cheating."

"Huh?" She had honestly forgotten that Susan was even in the room. But her head snaps up from where she was staring a hole in her lap her mind once again roaming somewhere she didn't recognize.

"Easy kid. You stopped breathing there for a second."

"Oh. Oh, um, sorry."

"Whatever it is, you're going to be just fine." Susan stands up as a woman with red-ish hair peaks her head around the corner. The smile she offers is small and Kara can't remember ever seeing something like that fall on her sister's friend's face before. "Trust the process."

"Um, thanks." Kara murmurs as she goes back to trying to find something to do with her hands now that they are empty. She sits shifting every few seconds. Right leg over left. Left over right. Switch again and rest her ankle more on top of her knee this time. Switch again. Both feet on the floor elbows planted on her knees. Leaning back in her chair with arms across her chest. She can't get comfortable.

And, she thinks the doctor or whatever is probably back there watching a video feed of the waiting room reading all her body language and micro expressions and things and she has to shift again just at the thought of being watched. Also she really hopes she doesn't see anyone else she knows… or who knows her… so anyone pretty much who works here.

A woman's voice startles her "Danvers." Kara jumps a little bit before she stands up to follow the lady back down the long white hall. Finally they reach the door and it's almost like one of those movies where the hallways get all narrow and starts twisting and shit… Kara didn't actually think that was a thing that happened in real life… Taking a deep breath she wipes her hands on her thighs before shaking the Doctor's hand. "Hello, Kara. I'm Dr. Molner. Today is just intake so I'll just ask you some questions and you tell me what you want to tell me. You can sit down wherever you like." She motions inside her office where there's a couch and a couple of chairs.

Kara hesitates as she tries to choose. She doesn't want to sit on a couch. Too damn much. But she also feels like the chair isn't in a great spot in the room. The back isn't against anything and she can't see the door and… god the doctor is probably going to surmise things about her that she doesn't even know herself depending on where she sits.

When Kara looks to the woman still standing by the door smiling as if no time had passed at all, and maybe it hadn't. Maybe it just felt like had been at least a solid minute. Maybe it was nothing and Kara was just being crazy because why would this doctor care if she sat in a chair or on a couch.

Kara opts to sit on the couch. It's next to the door. She can see the room. She can see out the window. She can have her back to the wall. It's a good position. She feels more comfortable here than she would have with the cair in the middle of the room or the one closest to the doctor, Dr. Molner's desk, which was obviously the one the doctor usually sat in. Kara wonders for a second if Alex sat in that one, if she even talks to the same person, just to pull a sort of weird power move like her sister does sometimes.

Kara declines the offer for water or tea. It seemed silly. She just wanted to get this over with. It started with the slender brunette asking questions about Kara's past. Her parents, her family, if she had siblings. Which was all pretty dumb because Kara's pretty sure she read her file but she guessed the doctor wanted to know what Kara deemed important enough to share. But like putting your life story into something that was probably supposed to be like 5 min long was kida tough. A lot of parts were going to get left out and just like… Kara… Kara was a pretty closed off person.

Sure she acted like an open book. People thought she was so open and trustworthy and friendly and thus assumed she was trusting in return. Kara doesn't. Trust. Anyone. For. Shit. She can count on literally one finger the person who knows mostly everything about her. Alex. She doesn't tell people she's adopted. She doesn't tell people she's an orphan. An alien. A superhero. She doesn't tell people how lonely she is. How angry. How broken. No one knows about the darkness that she pushes down. And she feels like this… this doctor just wants to pull it all apart. Not. Happening. She didn't have to talk about anything other than what happened.

That's how it works right? Talk about what happened that is making her this fucking terrible at being a functioning human being - which she wasn't technically but that's not really the point right now- at her job… at everything lately and it'll get better. At least that was what Kara was telling herself.

So… anyway… Kara gives the big picture things. She knows her file is more detailed. No reason to give the play by play. The doctor can think what she wants. They talk a while, Kara talks about Eliza and Alex and the little things that make her up. Somehow Kara gets going on how much she loves to try new foods. Her hobbies like flying and helping out at the animal shelter when she has time. And how she "spends" - used to spend - her free time -before she started not being able to function. The doctor takes a look at the survey Kara filled out - admittingly more honest than she had intended but when in Rome...

Putting the clipboard down in her lap the doctor asks about Kara's outbursts of Anger. About what she does to manage. Keep it in check. Not constantly be snapping at everyone around her. "I control it. I go boxing or sparring sometimes. I don't know I just..."

"Push it down." Dr. Molner finishes for her with a weirdly firm suggestion but it's gentle at the same time. Like she understands. Maybe she does maybe she doesn't. Who knows. Plenty of people have probably said the same kinds of things in here before. _You're not different Kara. You're not special. Quit being dramatic._

"Yeah." Kara blushes at the suggesting dropping her head like a child caught doing something they knew they weren't supposed to be doing. And sure now it was obvious that that wasn't a great practice but… day to day it just made sense... It's how Kara functioned. It's how she had to function.

"Why are you so angry?"

Now that, that question was frustrating. Here this doctor knew pretty much everything there was on paper about the woman before her and she couldn't just take a wild guess? It was probably pretty obvious. _Cut her some slack, Kara. I'm sure she's just trying to do her job._ But when "I lost my planet. I think that is a reasonable thing to be angry at" makes its way through her gritted teeth, her fist clenching in her lap where she held her hands, it comes out with a lot more bite than she intended.

Most infuriating however, is the way the doctor just. Doesn't react. At all. Nothing. She doesn't give a knowing look. She doesn't write anything down on her clipboard. No not of acknowledgement. Nothing. Zada. Nilch… _That's not right. Nada.. Zilch_.

Damn Kara was thinking so damn fast words were starting to break. _What. The. Hell. Is. Happening._

"Ok, so, Kara. Why are you here?" She shifts the clipboard in her lap as she switches her legs. Kara does the same with hers. She knows the doctor was trying to see if she would. Mind games. Damn it. Kara fell for it. Or maybe she wasn't maybe her feet were just falling asleep.

 _FOCUS. Kara._

Kara watches a second as it looks more like the doctor is using the clipboard as Kara uses some of the pillows on her couch. To give her hands something to hold on to. To cover her lap and her stomach. She was always more comfortable that way. Maybe this doctor was too. "I… uh… something um happened...earlier this year?"

 _Ah, yes… something happened. Very articulate for a reporter. Cat would be so proud._

Now. Now the doctor gives her a soft look of understanding with a smile as she uncrosses her legs and puts the clipboard aside on the small coffee table Kara honestly hadn't even noticed till that moment. The doctor is leaning forward just a little bit toward her, expression still soft, "it says here you were sexually assaulted, raped, and have filed a restricted report."

"Yeah, I, yeah." Kara fights the urge to pat her knees as she stands up saying something like - _Ok, Yeah. So... good talk. I'll see ya never._ \- and walking right out of the door. But she can't move. It's all she can do to nod and just try not to cry.

Sometimes in situations like this it's easier to find her resolve. People have eyes on her. It gives her something to be strong for. An expectation to live up to. So here she told herself, if she acted strong, than maybe she was, and then maybe this doctor would sign off on her and say she didn't need to see anyone and Alex and Lucy would just drop this.

"How have you been doing?" And for the first time in months Kara actually feels like no matter what she answers there not going to be a judgement or a reaction that she's a liar or that she'd be doing better if she just… It's just a question.

Still even with the sincerity behind the doctor's words the first thing out of her mouth makes her want to cringe "Obviously not well enough to not be here." Kara wipes her hand over her face not even wanting to see the reacting from the woman sitting across the room from her. She doesn't want to see whatever expression of understanding, shock, or challenge she would find. "Sorry I just… I'm doing ok for the most part. I'm holding it together. But I'm slipping. I need to be better and I don't know how to get back to where people need me to be."

"Thank you for being honest. So I'll tell you this. I think it'll be good for you to talk to somebody. That might be me. It might be someone else. Unfortunately my colleague who specializes in sexual trauma cases, like yours, can't accept anymore patients. But we have a good team and I'm sure we can find you a good fit."

"The thing about therapy is it might get worse before it gets better. You should be ready for that. What you're doing here is incredibly brave, Kara. Trying to confront some of these things, it is hard. If I may, I want to leave you with a sort of illustration that might help you reconcile what you've briefly described and what you're used to."

"Yeah, um, yeah sure."

"So everyone talks about putting stuff into boxes, right? Compartmentalizing. Shutting the box and putting it away. Well sometimes, when your packing and you know how you kind of fold the 4 lid pieces together so they lock when the box isn't too full. Sometimes that works and sometimes that doesn't but usually holds. And sometimes you can't get them to fold so you just close the box and stack something on top of it. Well sometimes things happen that shake the foundation of that warehouse and the boxes shift and the lids pop open and stuff can spill out. What's happening is kind of like that. You put stuff into a box and something might make it spill out and it's a mess but working on it helps that mess maybe not be so bad. Does that make sense? I don't mean to sound patronizing it just seems like your a box kind of person."

"Yeah, yeah actually it does. Thank you."

"Good luck, Kara. Have a nice day."

"Yeah you too."

The next week Kara walks in, no Susan. This time when the new therapist Kara had been paired with, LT Jackson, walks out she's initially taken off guard by their gender. He, LT Jackson, is a man. A large, albeit kind looking, man. He introduces himself and shows her back to his office shutting the door once she steps inside.

Kara's heart jumps into her throat before it plummets out of her entire body with the rest of her stomach. Touch somehow she can still feel the blood racing through her arteries, whooshing through her ears. She can't breathe. She hasn't even sat down in his office yet and she wants to bolt.

All she remembers from the session is having to focus all her energy on not having a full blown panic attack in his office. He was very kind. Very professional. They walked through the same kinds of things that she had talked about already with Dr. Molner but he asked less personal questions. More questions on what she considered herself to be, like label wise, ethnicity, race, sexuality, religion, you know the basics… basically to everyone but her. Like she was Kryptonian, considered herself Kryptonian but yet as far as earth went she was a white, middle class woman. Her religion didn't have a name. But she guessed she was a pretty devout believer. She was the only real one left. She had to be. It kept her going some days when she couldn't think of doing it herself. And earth sexuality never made sense to her. Still didn't.

So she went through the motions and answered as best as she could in a context that might actually be helpful for the man. All while, she thought, successfully fighting off a panic attack because she felt trapped and she was utterly terrified. And the worst part was… was that she knew she was afraid of this man for absolutely no reason other than the fact that he was a man, a man larger than her but that didn't matter because she was freaking SUPERGIRL and had beaten things infinitely stronger than he ever would be. And… it wasn't like he was even physically threatening at all.

She was just scared.

She didn't know if he picked up on it or not. She really didn't have it in her to care at this point. She just needed to make it through the end of this appointment, get back to her private room in the DEO and there, and only there, would she let herself break.

He started to do some breathing exercises with her after he asked why she was starting therapy and she told him, much the same way as she told Dr. Molner. He was trying to help give her a way to calm down because when he had asked if she gets stressed sometimes she answered truthfully. And told him that sometimes it was really hard to breathe. She, however, failed to mention that _RIGHT NOW_ was one of those times.

So he tried to get her to close her eyes and just breathe with him as he talked her through it. She did the breathing. It helped a little. But she felt so damn guilty that she couldn't just close her eyes. He wasn't going to her her. She knew that. She _KNEW_ that. Yet here they were…

Then to end it, LT Jackson asked if Kara thought they could work together, if she thought they would be a good fit… and you know what she fucking said. "Yes." When literally everything in her entire body was screaming at her that no, no this was not going to work.

Kara all but bolted the second the appointment ended. She walked as quickly as she could to her room in the DEO, her sanctuary. She was very thankful that she hadn't run into anyone she knew. When she slid in the opening door allowing it to close behind her she tried to continue reading but it was like her lungs just forgot to work. She tried to tell herself that she was safe. That she was ok. That she could breathe. She let a couple of tears fall as she tried not to hyperventilate. She honestly wanted to sob, to break down, to let the waves of emotion she'd damned back in that office to wash over her and just let go. But she couldn't. And she was exhausted for it. Shaking as she tried to stand there, hands on her hips, still not fucking breathing.

Kara wished her mother's hologram would turn on to talk her through it. Tell her what to do because she felt like she was going to die. Her heart was too fast. Her lungs stopped working. _So this is what a heart attack feels like…_

No one came.

Eventually. She had no real idea how long, but eventually. She could breathe. Her heart didn't feel like it was impaling itself on a rib or a knife or something. But damn it she was exhausted. She had nothing left. She flew back to her apartment without a word. Not a response to Alex's many texts asking her how it went or if she was ok. Not one. The second she flopped down on top of the comforter, still half pulled back from earlier that morning when she failed to make her bed, she was out.

She woke up to find an email send receipt on the computer next to her head on her mattress. Apparently she had sent a very panicked email to Dr. Molner about continuing to see her or a different woman because she didn't think she could do this. Not every week. Not like this. Not when she had been so good at escaping impending panic attacks to just have one happen because her therapist had one different letter chromosome than her, human DNA speaking, anyway… it was stupid of her to say the least.

The response back though was troubling. Dr. Molner apologize that there were not other options with the times Kara had available. They were understaffed for the demands the DEO and subsequent agencies placed on them with the care of their agents. That LT Jackson was very good at his job and Kara should use it as an opportunity to get out of her comfort zone and that speaking with a man about this might be a good thing for her to get over this fear.

Kara wanted to 1. Scream at herself for sending the first dumb email in the first place and 2. Scream at Dr. Molner. Because she was confronting her fear damn it. Just talking about it was terrifying enough. She didn't need to almost - well actually _be_ \- having panic attacks because she is afraid of the actual therapist too. Simply because he was... well... he was a he. Wasn't that unprofessional? Kara had no idea if it was or if she was just being too dramatic.

She responded that she would give it a try. She proceeded to apologize profusely to never receive a response back. Hell, maybe the doctor didn't really care after all. It was only a job.

The next week Kara sucked it up. She did the "big girl" thing and sucked it up. She walked into that office and tried her best to be honest with the man because she's sure Dr. Molner probably told him about her email. He was nice about it. He thanked her for telling him. He asked if he could make her comfortable in any way. He told her that he was looking forward to working with her and that he thought they could do some great work. Then he went over how they were going to work on what happened. He wanted to do an accelerate program of Cognitive Processing Therapy because he didn't think making her relive it again and again would be beneficial when the other option he was familiar with was Prolonged Exposure Therapy.

He asked her what she thought and she honestly had no idea what she thought but if he was the doctor and trained professional and he thought one option was better than another she'd just have to trust him. The next week they would actually start working.

It sucked. He had her write out what happened. Start to finish. When she arrived at the party until she arrived at home. Then he had her read it out loud. This happened week after week. Each week focusing on some new part of what happened. The worst part. The physical sensations. The auditory sensations. The way things smelled. The way it tasted. It felt so vulgar and graphic and sometimes she couldn't say the words out loud. She'd have to stop mid sentence or start the sentence over and over. Sometimes he would end their session there. Always telling her she was doing so well. Then if she did happen to make it through reading out her written assignment they would talk about how it made her feel. And Kara had no clue outside of "pretty freaking terrible."

They went over how it was hard for her to believe that someone could do that to another person even after all the evil she'd seen. They talked about how she always said that she turned him into a rapist. She's sure what LT Jackson was saying was very helpful but sometimes Kara just didn't hear him. She was focusing too hard on just trying to _breathe._

About 7 weeks in. Kara was done. She was done. She fulfilled her obligation to Lucy and Alex. She could be done. But she wasn't getting better. Not even a little bit. The only thing that had changed was that she was avoiding Alex and Lucy now and even Maggie too a little. She felt like she didn't have anybody and she knew that was all because she was pushing people away.

When she stopped going it wasn't because she wanted to. It wasn't because she quit. She recognized now that if she wanted to actually help people she had to get herself better. If not for anything else, she had to be able to function enough to do her job. But that was what took her away. It was three months before she could actually make the next session. Miriad was happening and it was just this whole big terrible thing and it was taking all her time and attention. Lt Jackson understood, thankfully, and wished her luck.

She finally started going back but not one session in and LT Jackson told her that he had to leave, that the Navy was taking him back to a ship, and that he thought she would continue therapy but with someone else. He told her that their sexual trauma specialist had an opening and that he really thought they would be a good fit.

So, with another feeling of dread filling her she agreed. She would see this new lady, probably have to start over, and just go through what happened over and over and over and over again without making any progress in months. Great. Kara could not be more thrilled. But as much as she hated going, as useless as the felt that it was - maybe even more harmful - she knew it was supposed to help. At least everyone said it was. So if she was doing all the steps everyone said she needed to do to get better, talking to someone, continuing to live her life, reporting it... if she was doing everything everyone was asking of her and she was still this bad... how bad would she be if she wasn't going?


	7. Chapter 7

**AN-**

 **Team, sorry it has been so long since the last update. This is a really hard time of year for me and this story is a little on the emotionally taxing side. Your guyses responses to the last chapter really made my heart swell. Thank you so much. That being said, I'm actually pretty worried about this chapter. I tried to make it real. Not that this a a lighthearted fic but this chapter, I think, is exceptionally emotional and heavy, just a warning.**

 **Also: WARNING mentions of suicide. Kara isn't suicidal but the topic comes up. Be careful. I don't think it's bad but I just want to be safe w/ you guys.**

 **The chapter is written so time is a little warped. For Kara it's all weird but in the story there are weeks between each of the scenes. I didn't know if I really captured that but it was my intent. This chapter also kinda** **happens** **simultaneously** **with the other** **chapter** **I didn't really know how to tie them together better than this. Please let me know what you think or if any spots get confusing.**

 **Anyway, I really hope you guys like this chapter and find it helpful.**

Kara longed to be held. Her bones ached for it. Her skin itched for it. Her soul craved it. And that made no sense to the young hero. She hadn't let herself indulge. She hadn't let herself reach out. Not even to Maggie or Alex. Sure the two had been checking in, Maggie more so than Alex even with that gentle understanding the detective seemed to embody. A gentle squeeze of her shoulder or just a knowing look when Kara had to focus a little harder on her breathing than any person reasonably should.

But what Kara really didn't understand was that need she kept depriving herself of - touch had been what hurt her… why did that feel like the only thing that would grant her some relief? But only from very specific people, some= even the thought of it -made her so uncomfortable she felt her chest tighten and her skin crawl.

Only specific touch though too. Nothing below mid back for sure.. But she just wanted to be held. Kara knew all she had to do was ask. Hell she didn't even have to ask. If she hugged Maggie or Alex they'd probably not let go till she did. Or if she just showed up and gave them a look they'd be there in an instant.

She didn't though. She curled up in bed and tried to make herself fall asleep. Aching the entire time to be held. Shed been visiting lots of schools as Supergirl. The love the children showed her helped at least for a few fleeting moments. Kara Danvers started volunteering at an animal shelter. Those big dogs helped her too but after a while she felt even more lonely. She wished to Rao that she had someone, a boyfriend, hell even a girlfriend at this point, that would just hold her. Aside from Alex and Maggie, Lucy would probably do it. But she felt like such a burden.

She hated asking for help and only reached out, via text, when she was struggling so bad she thought she'd break (and do what she wasn't sure) but she could feel something breaking nonetheless. She was so careful to only text each of the girls who knew on somewhat of a rotation and never about the same struggle twice. Kara was figuring out what this thing was and she really hadn't even started to heal at all so the thing making her miserable rotated and she rotated who she reached out to the same way.

Kara really didn't know why she felt the need to do that. All she did know was that she was miserable and so lonely and she deserved it. At least it felt like it. So she just sucked it up and trudged on. Day to day. She hated living to the next moment she could just get away. Away from everything. That was no way to live. She'd been through so much and nothing affected her like this had and no matter how much her therapist told her that this was different - it still didn't feel like it should be.

And then there was that… she had a therapist. She went to therapy. She needed to go to therapy.

Kara hadn't realized it but she was standing with her back to a wall her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She forced a couple of deep breaths through her lungs. Her eyes had flitted shut as well. "You're ok." She whispered hardly even loud enough to hear with her own super hearing.

In her little moment of recluse she hadn't noticed Maggie walk into her office two coffees in hand. "Hey there little Danvers" the detective speaks softly as she sets the drink tray on the edge of Kara's desk that was exceptionally more clear than Maggie had anticipated.

"Hey." Kara replied dropping her arms to her sides but not moving to separate her back from the wall. She didn't realize how badly her hands were shaking or that she wasn't really breathing either. The detective did though. SHe felt Kara's struggle as soon as she had walked into her office.

"I'm gonna hug you till you hug me back, ok?" Maggie utters gently as she wraps her arms around Kara's upper arms careful not to go to low on the taller hero's back.

"Ok." Kara mutters from her still pensive state. At least to Maggie it looked pensive. To Kara her mind was pretty much blank stuck somewhere on nothing at all. She dropped her head down to Maggie's shoulder still not making any moves to hug her sister's fiance back. Maggie, bless her heart, doesn't say a word or shift her to a more comfortable spot. She just allows an arm to reach up on Kara's back to hold her more completely. No "I've got you's" no "you're oks" none of that. Kara'd been told that so many times after the last few months. Maggie would just show her.

The detective really didn't know how long they'd been there but the tension was finally starting to dissipate from the reporters cardigan covered shoulders. When the young woman's upper body was completely relaxed, well as relaxed as it could be, breaths coming without as much thought as before Maggie moved her hand again to play with her hair. A gentle pair of arms wrapped around her waist as Kara gave her a little squeeze. Almost in a choreographed sequence Kara's had raises from her shoulder as Maggie takes half a step back. Catching on that Kara wasn't ready to break the silence just yet Maggie walks to the side of the room where Kara keeps water and wets a towel. She hands it to a grateful blonde. Kara wipes her face hiding behind the refreshing feeling of the fresh water for a split second longer than Maggie would have liked.

When the detective takes the towel back she drops it over a cabinet handle before before trying to face Kara again. Though time ceased to pass where she held her little sister her coffee was now cold and if there was something Maggie despised it was cold coffee. "Mind giving me a little zap?" She holds the cup out as she removes the lid. Kara's eyes glow for a split second and Maggie's hand around the disposable cup was warmed immediately. Kara following suit with her own coffee. "Thanks." Kara shakes her head at her with a slight twitch of the side of her mouth. When Kara grabs her laptop and sits on the couch Maggie doesn't break the silence but she sits close enough the sides of their legs are touching.

Maggie just drank her coffee slowly, careful to just be present with her soon to be sister in law and not possess the air of careful watchfulness. Kara didn't want that. She might have reached it but it was clear by her recent distance that she didn't want it. But that pain and sheer need for comfort filled the small office making Maggie's heart ache.

Kara sipped her coffee even slower than the women next to her. She had opened her computer and opened a new document in wordpress but she had not yet begun to write. The longer they sat there more it became clear to Maggie that Kara had nothing to say. She had to fight the urge to pull Kara into her side and hold her but she waited for even the slightest lean closer by Kara to be sure that's what she wanted. Kara didn't make that move though nor did she make any effort to separate the place where their thighs touched.

Maggie's phone buzzed in her back pocket. Shifting enough to take it and check she saw a text from Davis.

 _Caught a case. I'll meet you at the scene. Corner 5th and Hide._.

"Thanks for the company Little Danvers. I gotta run."

"Mmmhmm." She hums as she responds leaning forward to begin typing the start of an article that she will either scrap in 30 minutes or fail to complete. Cat was beginning to get on her for her millennial blaze toward her work as of late. It wasn't like she wasn't absolutely killing herself trying to produce content. She just couldn't focus and everything she could actually get down on screen seemed so incredibly inadequate.

Hell, everything she did felt incredibly inadequate.

When she saw Maggie cross the threshold of her office it took everything Kara had not to break down sobbing. As soothing to the heart as it was to have Maggie keep ker company it hurt that much more after she left. The Kryptonian lets out a slow shaking breath warding off the impending sobbing session yet again. Kara starts to write with a deep feeling of doom weighing on her back. She knows. She _knows_ that each time she escapes sobbing like she longs to, with almost a primal need, when it finally does happen it would be so much more intense. And that made the waiting so… so much worse.

And it didn't make any sense to Kara. She should be fine, it had been 9 months. She should be fine but it was so painfully obvious that she wasn't despite her efforts. Kara truly didn't know where to go from here. She'd like to tell someone how she really feeling. But whenever someone asked how she was doing she smiled and said she was good. She lied without even thinking about it. She lied when she didn't even want to anymore but what choice did she have? It was just habit. She didn't even know if she was capable of admitting how she was really doing anymore.

If only Kara knew that Maggie, Alex, Lucy and even Winn, J'hon, James and Cat stood by waiting to comfort her. Waiting to listen to her talk in circles about what she was truly thinking and feeling. Waiting to softly refute the lies she was telling herself. Waiting to love her. Waiting to show her that this, that whatever this was, whatever was going on did not change how they loved her. Not even a little. No matter how many times they had to listen to the same thoughts and feelings no matter how many times they had to remind Kara of the truth. If only she would let them.

This wasn't her fault.

This doesn't change anything.

She didn't deserve this.

They still lover her.

If only Kara knew that they couldn't think less of her. That she didn't have to go through each day feeling more alone than she had when she was in that pod knowing she'd never see anyone ever again. That she didn't have to pray to Rao for relief or for someone to care. Wished that she was in a place when she could just ask for her sister to hold her. She knew that would be all it took. That she wouldn't ever have to ask, all she needed to do would be say her sister's name with anything other than an annoyed bite in her tone. Send a simple text. That would be it but she wasn't strong enough to reach out. The only problem was she wasn't strong enough to do it on her own anymore either.

Maggie hadn't seen her later like she'd hoped. She hadn't seen Alex either. NCPD and the DEO had everything covered for the day. They'd had to learn to do that because sometimes Kara, supergirl, just went missing. But today no one needed supergirl. So when Kara dropped her bag from her shoulder as soon as she entered her apartment not even bothering to shed her cardigan or her loafers as she curled up in her bed, her back to the wall her knees pulled to her chest she let her mind torture itself. Her phone, right next to her head where it rested next to her hand, just an inch away from where she could call her sister. She convinced herself that she had no one.

She wondered how she could feel so empty and hollow and yet like her chest would simply crack at the pressure she felt on it at the same time. The familiar buz of the vibrating device made her check it with a quick flip of her wrist.

 **Sis:** I love you, Kar

And that's all it took for the sobs to come.

Kara was sure with all the pressure she'd felt building it would be a loud messy wail of a sob where she lost her breath and snot ran down her face. She didn't have the energy for that. Instead she let the never ending trail of tears trickle down her face as she lay unmoving clutching a pillow to her chest. Her head still still started to pound, her nose still ran with snot that crackled as she tried to breathe. Her face still grew stiff with salt. But she didn't let her body wrack with the sobs she longed to let go. She held her breath and buried her face into the pillow, still somehow fighting not to break completely even though if anyone had seen her at the moment that would be exactly their diagnosis.

She let sleep claim her longing to be in Alex's arms or Maggie's or literally anyone of those she cared about. Even Eliza. She watched to door pleading with Rao to send her sister through it to see her and silently walk to her and laying down beside her and wrap her in her arms. But Kara knew this wasn't a movie or a sappy TV drama where people just knew and just showed up when they had no reason to know that she lays there every night wishing she had never made it off her dying planet.

Sometimes she wishes that she wasn't bullet proof. Sometimes she wishes that what ever happened to her as supergirl that it would be something big and bad and more powerful than she was. She even found herself nearly longing for an opertunity for her to sacrifice herself...so it would just be over. So she could be over. At least it would be in a good way that way. OR hell maybe even a freak accident. She could live, well not _live_ , with that. She wasn't going to do it herself but if Rao just so happened to take her home to her family she wasn't going to be the one to complain or stop him.

But tonight… that was not going to be tonight.

She was alone.

Alex wasn't coming.

No one was.

No one knew.

How could they?

So she held herself as she cried knowing that no relief would come.

The blonde was surprised to open her eyes to the sound of her alarm and the bright rays of the sunrise peeking through her window. She was not, however, surprised that her head was pounding so much she felt the need to be sticking close to a trash can or the toilet as she started to get ready or that her corners of her eyes were stiff with the crystallized tears from the night.

She cupped warm water over her face and forced herself to brush her teeth. Self care or personal hygiene seeming more like a chore to be avoided than a kick start to her day. She had somehow shifted from multiple showers a day to making herself shower at least every other day. Even that task seeming exhausting. Though she could hardly sleep anymore her bed still turned down from where she had thrown the covers off her legs a few moments ago called to her, making it harder than ever to keep going and not just surrender to the superficial comfort that was her fuzzy blanket.

"Just make it to lunch, Kara. Just make it to 1130." She told herself as she sipped on coffee that did nothing to calm her stomach. She used to love coffee. Once fully dressed she took off landing a moment later on the roof of CatCo not having it in her to care if people noticed her coming down the elevator rather than up. "Just make it to lunch." She muttered as she entered the building. She would deal with making it to dinner once she got past lunch.

So her mornings went. Zone out through staff meeting - check. Make it back to her office - check. Then she looked at the clock.

10:30.

"Ok one more hour. Breathe." She coaches herself. She always coaches herself. She has to or she thinks her lungs might just forget how to work all together. "Finish drafting this article." She starts typing. It's certainly not the best thing she'd ever written but it's good enough. She sends the draft to Cat.

11:45

 _Thank god. I made it._ She collapses back into her office chair. Allowing her eyes to close for a moment. When she opens them again she expects the clock to read 1230 - end of lunch. It, however says:

11:48

Not knowing what else to do she pulls her phone out. Reminding herself how much she truly hated the technology and starts to read. Nothing productive of course. Not news or reports of anything of substance but a romantic-ish story she'd found online. She'd been reading a lot of that lately. Trying to get lost enough in the story to feel some of that love because pretending to be a fictional character was so, so, much easier than being in her actual life. By the time she finished yet another story and looks up it is already 3 o'clock. With a sigh she locks her phone and makes her way to the roof to go back home. She'd made it through the day. No just for the evening. As she enters her apartment from the window she nears a vital part of her day.

Food.

 _Shit. You forgot to eat again. Oh well._ Once again she flops onto her bed fully clothed. She really needed to stop doing that. Maybe tomorrow. At least tonight there was no tears.

As bad as Kara felt internally and as much as she had removed herself from the outside world, as dead as she felt on the inside, she was still functioning. She still laughed and smiled and she wasn't really having particularly bad days but she just felt like she was fighting tooth and nail the entire time just to remain functioning. So when she finally got home she just would collapse thankful to have made it through another day.

Her absolute favorite part of the day was crossing the little box off on her white board calendar by her door. One more day down. She had made it.

She had mentioned it to someone in passing in the break room at CatCo on accident and all they had responded was "well that's fucking depressing."

Wallowing her sorrow she heard the faint whimpers and pleas for help from a small voice so she gathered what energy she had and dragged herself out of her bed and into her super suit. The air in her face didn't even really refresh her anymore. But flying was flying. At least there was something that actually made her feel like she still had a heart beat.

She flies into a burning building and scoops up the little girl the men and women of FDNC were having a hard time finding. The little girl clings to her. Wrapping her legs around the hero's slight waste. Burying her face in Spergirl's neck. Gripping around her neck with tight fists buried in the back of her cape. Kara relished the tight grip of the child. It held her heart together a little better so Kara didn't have to fight so. damn. hard. Kara tucked her nose into the top of this little one's head as she held her allowing her eyes to close and her hand to rub up and down on the girl's back. "I've got you. Shhh I've got you."

She holds the girl tight to her chest as she approaches the captain on scene. "Hey the girl's parents are at national city general. I'll have one of my medics check her then we'll take her there."

Kara glances down at the little one trying to hide in her arms before meeting the man's eyes "I've got it." She bounces the girl a little bit, not so much because she had to, but to shift her just a little and rock her hopefully to the little girl's comfort. She was Spergirl. She could hold a 5 year old.

"Supergirl, really we can…" He said as he extended his arms for the small child knowing she really needed to be checked out by his EMTs.

"Captain, I've got it. I was a lonely little girl once. I'm not leaving her." And she wasn't sure where that last little bit came from. But the sympathy that shone in the Captain's eyes as he nodded his consent for the Hero to take her as long as she took the girl to get checked out.

"Hey sweetie the medics are going to check you out then we'll go find your parents. I promise." The little girl nods into her shoulder and lets the hero set her down in the back of the ambulance. The EMT was soft and gentle with the girl and for that he hero was thankful. When that was finally over Supergirl took the girl back into her arms and flew to National City Gen to find both the little girl's parents in surgery slated to spend some time in the ICU.

The sight of the hero with the girl clinging to her the nurse didn't have it in her to call DCS instead she directed the hero to a more private waiting room - the doctor's lounge. To wait with the girl Supergirl leaned back into the soft leather couch shifting the girl slightly as she got comfortable. Kara felt guilty partially using the kid to comfort herself as she held her. But it helped and she wasn't going to just let the girl be here alone so it was somewhat of a win-win.

She woke the next day with the sweet girl drooling on her shoulder and she remained there the rest of the day getting updates and sympathetic looks from doctors and taking time to call Cat to tell her she was working on a Supergirl articles. Kara was only slightly when the girls mother recovered enough to go home and take her back. She was happy that her new little buddy who loved that none better was so happy to be back with her mom but hat brief comfort that the child had offered Kara without asking was soothing.

It placated her need and made the fight to keep going less of a struggle. Those little arms held her together, as sad as that sounded. After that images of Supergirl holding children and animals started showing up all over the place. Alex and Maggie noticed too that Kara, not Spergirl, was spending more time at orphanages too filling her free time with volunteering when she felt up to it.

Maggie let it go on for a few weeks but when the there was video by an NCPD dash cam in the back alley of a crime scene with Supergirl's hands on her hips chest concave a little as she rounds her shoulder forward looking like she was struggling to breathe. They had lost a kid. And Kara… it had crushed her. Not like it usually didn't but this loss seemed exceptionally heavy for the hero. A rookie cop had shown the video to Maggie knowing she seemed to work with the hero a lot and voiced their concern suggesting that may be the detective could check on the hero.

When the detective walked into their apartment across town the jingle of keys being placed on the counter got Alex's attention as she looked up from her computer at her fiance. She couldn't wait for that title to change. Two more months and so much to do.

Eliza her been helping a lot and Alex was doing both her own job and Kara's, as the maid of honor. Her sister just couldn't right now and as much as it broke Alex's heart because she knew Kara would have loved to be doing this. That she had been talking about it forever and that after it was all over she was probably going to be really disappointed in herself for not doing more. Alex knew that but she didn't have it in her to push anymore. She didn't want to put another thing on Kara's already cracked plate. "Hey, Babe."

"Evening Danvers." Maggie placed a kiss on the top of her head and squeezed her shoulders.

"What do you think? This font or this one?"

"Wasn't Kara supposed to get that set up?"

"Yeah but oh… you know."

"Yeah." Maggie sighed taking in the slouch of Alex's shoulders. Kara had been pushing them away for months now, ever since she started going to see a counselor really. She didn't come around. She didn't text them back. If they tried to go over they would find an empty apartment, the Kryptonian slipping out before they could get through the door. It was killing Alex. Hell, it was crushing Maggie. She was trying her best to keep her promise to check in on Kara and be there but she was making it really _really_ hard to do. Not that Maggie wanted to do it any less just, logistically, it seemed damn near impossible. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, fine." Maggie gives her a stern look as she searches the fridge for something to snack on. "I'm just worried. I thought making her talk to someone would help but she seems more distant than ever."

"Go see her." They'd stopped trying to go over about five weeks ago now, Kara making it clear that she didn't want anybody. They weren't giving up. They hoped that Kara hadn't taken it that way but they were just trying to help give her what she was showing them she wanted or needed. It was a tough line. They hated it. Both of them.

"What? But I have too.." Alex's eyes got wide. She wanted nothing more than to do that.

"No. Go see your sister. I'll take care of it." Maggie runs her hand across the back of Alex's shoulders as she approached the table again. She drops a kiss to the top of the older sister's head as her hands squeeze those ever tense shoulders. "You tried giving her space Al but I think she might need you to make the first step. I don't think she's in a place where she can reach out. There was a video today that one of the rookies showed me from their dash cam. It looked like she was having a panic attack at that crime scene a couple of weeks ago when we lost that kid. "

"That doesn't make sense. She knows I'm always here. She knows that. She's pushed us away for months Mags. I don't want to crowd her. God I don't know what to do."

"Yes she does. She knows. Deep down she knows that but right now I think she's just taking it moment by moment to get through. I know she told you to quit hovering and we did that... but don't give up on her."

Alex shuts the computer and looks almost scandalized at the suggestion "I'm not." Maggie knew she wasn't but she had a feeling Kara felt that way. Probably about everyone even though she had been so distant.

And really, Kara knew she was doing it. She didn't want to be. She knew she shouldn't be. But still she continued to seclude herself and push everyone away. Not aggressively but her passive method was doing the trick just fine. She just _couldn't_ reach out. She felt so weak and helpless but even shooting a text felt impossible and she backed out every time she typed one out. She wanted help, she needed help. She just couldn't get it. Not on her own. And to Kara that really didn't make sense and only added to her feeling of helplessness.

"I know that Alex but Kara's head is playing tricks on her. She might need a reminder that's all. I think we gave her enough time."

"Ok. You're sure you've got this?"

"Yes Danvers. It's just a font. Now go. Go get your sister." Maggie says as she extends Alex's favorite leather jacket to her in one hand and her keys in the other.

Finally in her apartment after a few calls as Supergirl and meeting up with a source for a story Snapper had stuck her on Kara wrapped her body around her pillow and mumbled "You'll never have to do today again" to herself over and over. It's not that it was a particularly bad day but it helped a little. She wondered how much more helpful it would be if Alex told her that when she sat on the couch with her. Or if Alex even would. It wasn't like she had a bad day. She literally just went to work. That was it. Gone through the motions just like she had been for months. Hell she even laughed and smiled a little. It wasn't a bad day.

Then why didn't she want to do this anymore?

Why didn't she want to be around anymore?

Not like in the permanent sense but god… Kara longed to disappear. To be a face among a crowd. To be a random observer to everyone else's life. The times she felt most at peace anymore was when she'd go to this little marina bar she found, with the absolute best sea food she'd ever had, and sit in the bar for dinner. Sometimes she'd talk to some of the regulars and sometimes she'd sit in the corner and just watch. No one knew her. She didn't know anyone. And for whatever reason Kara loved that.

Alex took a deep breath before knocking on her sister's door pleading to anyone who would listen that this wouldn't turn into another fight or Kara pushing her out again. She finally lets her knuckles fall against the wooden door in a series of three. "Kara, you in there?" She calls just as the door opens to cut her off.

"Hey, what do you need?" _Why do I need something to come see you?_ Instead she rises the laptop in her hand. "I need some help with wedding details. Maggie said she didn't care as long as I was happy." She hopes it comes off as genuine because last time she did that Kara called her out for using an excuse to check on her and she was "fine damn it."

But her sister just opens the door to let her in. Alex notes that she's still in her pants and sweater. It was nearly 8 pm. "You just got home from work?"

"Oh, yeah." She lied, it'd been a couple of hours. "Get changed. I'll set up." Alex saw right through it. The clothes she was wearing didn't look warn from a day in the office. They were wrinkled and disheveled. Kara had been laying down. When Kara returned she was in sweats and her favorite flowy sweater over a tshirt. It didn't exactly match but at least it was comfy. There was an actual smile plastered on her face as she fished two grape soda's from her fridge. It seemed normal enough. But the longer they flipped through wedding details the further away Kara got.

"Kara." Alex looked up watching her sister carefully. It had been about five minutes since her sister's last response. Or really since she had looked like she was actually in her apartment. Her eyes looked all glassed over and Alex honestly wasn't sure if she was still breathing.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you liked the hair style I was thinking."

"Oh, yeah, looks great." At least Kara was talking. At least she had responded. That was progress. Her eyes though, Alex had never seen them so distant. She hadn't even seen the computer. Alex wasn't sure she could even see anything in the room.

Alex had pulled up an updo that required exceptionally more hair than Alex had. "Busted." She looks on her shoulder to see those big blue eyes look to the floor. She wasn't even going to deny it, either this was progress or a very bad sign. "Kar, can you hear me?" She nods. "Can I hug you?" Another nod. "Are you ok?" nothing. And that was answer enough. "You don't have to talk. Ok. But I think I'm going to stay here tonight." A nod rubs into Alex's shoulder. The older sister leads her to the bed where she gets the both of them under the blankets as she wraps Kara up as the big spoon.

It's not lost on her though that her sister hugs a pillow to her chest as she scoots closer to the wall so the most possible surface area of her body had something against it. Kara let silent tears fall onto the pillow for the second night in a row her resolve completely gone now that her sister was here. Somehow Alex turns her so she's tucked into Alex's shoulder her back firm against the wall except for where Alex's arms wrap around her. And Alex just holds her baby sister as she cries. It's been weeks. Weeks since that night that Kara had cried. Even now she felt so silly and weak but she didn't have the presence of mind to deal with that right now. Right now it was all she could do not to feel like she couldn't breathe.

"You're going to come stay with me and Maggie for a while, ok?" Alex says in the morning Kara finally stirs awake.

"Ok, yeah. Ok." Alex grabs the bag she'd packed while Kara slept from the floor as she swoops her other arm around Kara. "I'm sorry."

"We're going to talk later, the three of us but let me be clear Kara. There is nothing to be sorry for. You are fighting tooth and nail every second of every day to keep going and I think that is incredible. I'm serious."

Kara didn't respond then either falling back into the cat-ionic state she'd been pushing through for the last few weeks but no longer possessing the energy to do so. At least not right this minute. And it was fighting. It really was. She didn't want to be like this. She didn't know what was making her like this. She had no clue. She had been for for months. She wasn't even all that upset or thinking about _it_ she just felt so… off.

Before she even processed they were in the car she was sitting on Maggie and Alex's couch. "Yeah, sorry Cat. She won't be in today. Yes. I'll give her your best. Thank you."

"I'm ok to go into work. I've been managing." Kara plays with the edge of her favorite sweater she was still wearing from the night before.

"I know but you don't have to. Not today. Alright? We're going to talk and you're going to vent everything you haven't told anyone, ok?" Alex pats Kara's knee giving it a reassuring squeeze. There had to be so much Kara had built up in that head of hers over the last few months. As much as Alex wanted to know what her little sister was thinking she also knew it might actually be good for Kara to say things out-loud. Sometimes they made more sense that way.

"Not yet." Kara shook her head. "Please, not yet. I'm not ready…" the emotion got stuck in her throat as she looked back and forth to Maggie and Alex. She wasn't ready to tell them all the terrible things bouncing around in her mind. She wasn't ready for them to know any of what she had really been feeling for the last few months. Part of it was that she didn't even really know herself but words had a way of finding their way out of her mouth sometimes before they even processed in her brain. Or so it seemed. She didn't want that to happen with this. She still felt the need to protect them from that, to guard herself, to be calculated in what exactly she divulged. She didn't think she could tell anyone all of what she was feeling. Not even her therapist.

Needless to say… it was a lonely place that only seemed to be getting lonelier by the day.

"Ok. Is there anything that makes you feel better?" Maggie takes a seat on the coffee table across from where Alex and Kara were.

Kara has to swallow some, her cheeks reddening at how cliche she was about to sound "helping people." But it really did help. It made her feel normal for a little bit. It helped her in ways she couldn't explain because here she was unable to help herself but at least she could help others. Some days that was the only thing that kept her going. Kept her from giving up and becoming a blob in her bed or something. Kara still didn't know what her giving up would look like… it just didn't really seem feasible or like a real thing…

It wasn't going to kill her, Kara still wasn't there. She didn't think she ever would be. And she kept going. But that's what life was right, even when it seemed like everything was stopping it kept moving forward, even when it seemed impossible. It was a very strange state of being, state of mind, to really be experiencing. It didn't make sense. At least not to Kara.

"Wanna run a few little calls as the cape?" Her soon to be sister in law suggested after sharing a long glance with Alex. One that, again, Kara hadn't even really noticed. Alex was getting worried about these bouts of zoning out. Somehow Kara never seemed to do it when she was fighting or helping someone but it could be really dangerous if she did…

Kara perked up a little bit, eyes shining with something akin to hope, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, that'd be nice."

And a few turned into the whole day and for the first time in months it felt like, for a few seconds at least... Kara felt something like her whole life wasn't making it through hour by hour or moment by moment.


End file.
